Monday, November 5, 2007

Nosehair, country folk and thievery: the Whiskeymarie story.

I haven't been tagged in a while, but the brilliant, dashing and boyishly handsome Flenker thought that it was time that you all had more random facts about me, in case knowing that I dress in costumes in my free time for fun weren't enough.

So in honor if it being Monday, November fifth (notable Nov. 5 occurrences: Nixon is elected President- boo!, and both Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams are born, for whatever that's worth), I will give you seven facts about me me me.

#1) I might as well just put this one out there, 'cause if I don't, I'll just end up doing a drunk post about it: Last night, before bed, I thought I saw what turned out in the end to be a nonexistent nosehair sticking out of my nostril. I panicked and grabbed the little scissors I keep in the bathroom. I thought I'd just give the imaginary offender a little 'snip' and balance would be restored in the world.
Instead, I 'snipped' a chunk of skin on the inside of my nose. Blood ensued, and it hurts. And let me tell you- it ain't so easy to get neosporin to stick inside your nose. Nope.

How is this a random fact about me, you ask?
Well, I have found that, if given enough time in front of a mirror before bed, I will find all sorts of flaws and such that I generally like to pick, prod, pluck and now 'snip' into submission. One small zit becomes a sea of 45 red dots on my chin. One stray eyebrow hair results in a plucking frenzy, leaving two spindly brows in my wake.
If I suspect a rogue nostril dweller- I end up with a pair of scissors up my nose.
Damn, that hurt.

#2) I have "odd" eating habits, the most notable one being that I can, and often will, eat essentially the same exact thing for a particular meal day after day, after day, after day...
When I'm on a Quaker toasted oatmeal squares kick, I'll eat it every day for breakfast for weeks, sometimes even a month or more. Same thing with frosted shredded wheat, or oatmeal, or Archer Farms High Protein cinnamon cereal from Target.
Lunch is the same way. My poor coworkers have got to know what a kook I am by now. They see me come in and eat the same damn thing day after day: A piece of locally-raised rotisserie chicken and a cold salad of some sort from Kowalski's Grocery. Every. Day. With few exceptions.
I don't know why I do this. maybe I like the routine, maybe it's another way my control-freakishness expresses itself, maybe it's my self-diagnosed OCD peeking out, maybe I just really really like that ridiculous chicken.

#3) I taught butchery for a while and am pretty confident that- if given a sturdy and sharp hacksaw and several hours, I could still break down a side of beef. I enjoyed teaching it, as I believe that if you're going to eat meat you should see the whole process (I have seen the first steps in this bloody process as well as we raised pigs and chickens growing up, and one of my BFF's family raised cows). Cows are fatty and kind of tedious to butcher, pigs are strangely easy to do and are surprisingly "clean". Chickens are gross, but I still eat them- but I try to eat family farm raised whenever possible. Once you've seen, smelled and worked with a case of factory-farmed chickens you may re-think that chicken salad sandwich at lunch- if you don't know where the little clucker came from, that is.

#4) I've said this before but it bears repeating: I cannot punctuate for shit. I know this and don't care. But I know it probably bothers some of you, so I thought I'd just own it.
Sad thing is- this trait:" only? get, worse, as, I/ get; older!

#5) At one point growing up, we had at least 15 cats that were "ours", yet now that I'm older I seem to be allergic. Huh. We lived in the country, and country folk didn't know nuthin' 'bout gettin' cats "fixed". Dogs, yes. Cats, no. I think cats were viewed as sort of "disposable", so no one wanted to spend money on them other that a giant bag of cat food from the local feed mill once in a while. We tried naming them all at one point, but we couldn't keep track. I'm horrified to say this, but I'm pretty sure that "controlling the pet population" in our part of the world involved my Dad, his buddies, a case of beer and either a shotgun or a burlap sack.
But now, allergies be damned- I want a cat. And a dog. And I promise to break free of my hillbilly ways and take care of them proper-like. I swear. Plus, I think the cat-cruelty gene skips a generation.

#6) In fourth grade I stole a couple of packs of Pac-man trading cards from this girl named Cindy that was a total brat. Pac-man cards were all the rage and she always had more than anyone else. She was pushy and mean, and I hated her with every fiber of my being.
One day I just went into class when no one else was there and I went into her desk and took them. I then buried them in the field by our house so no one would find out it was me. She threw a HUGE hissy fit when she saw they were missing and everyone thought it was the biggest deal ever.
I don't think anyone ever suspected that it was me who did it and I actually kind of liked watching the aftermath. I especially liked watching Cindy pouting and screaming about her damn cards. I did however, worry for weeks that I'd get found out and shamed for my actions. My parents would find out and I'd be sent to Catholic boarding school like my Mom kept threatening.
I did feel a tiny bit bad.
But I still hated that whiny brat Cindy.
So there you go- a confession. I fully expect the Popo to be knocking at my door anytime.

#7) And, finally- this is where I am sitting right now typing away to you, my lovely little crunchy fall leaves dipped in fake maple syrup:

My desk, in all its messy glory (the light is on because it is an especially gray day here and I seem to be blind lately).

The lamp was $1.95 from a thrift store. I just gave it a new coat of silver paint and a new shade. My pen holder is an old Foghorn Leghorn glass that I don't remember even buying. The girl burning in hell snowglobe was a gift from someone who obviously knows me very well.

There you go! A bunch more stuff about me you maybe didn't even want to know but now unfortunately do.

Next week: Tales from my pap smears! And, Hey! Let's look between my toes! How about we play the game: "What's in Whiskey's garbage?" Or my personal favorite game: "Hey- I don't remember eating corn!"

*Over and out. Day five, Nablopomo.


3carnations said...

I regret to inform you that your desk doesn't qualify as messy. Sorry. :)

(clearly messy is also in the eye of the beholder)

Butrfly Garden said...

I agree. Holy shit, my whole office looks like a tornado struck a paper factory. (They were organized piles before everyone just WALKED through them, I swear!)

I'm the same way with food. I don't know why I do it, either! But I also self-diagnosed OCD or something like that. But I'll have oatmeal for lunch every day for two months and then suddenly can't stomach it anymore. It's strange. Like me. And you, apparently. ;)

dguzman said...

I agree--your desk is immaculate compared to mine. But yours is oh so sophistocated and lovely!

I also do the repeat meal, though usually just for breakfast these days. I've eaten a Fruit and Nut granola bar (love the whole almonds) every morning for at least the last six to eight weeks. Before that it was those pb/cheese crackers--I did those for about two years. Now I try to stop before I get sick of something. I'll probably go back to pb/cheese next week...

Flenker said...

Umm, you left out the "stallion" part of your description of me. It's ok. Just don't let it happen again.

Don't forget about Guy Fawkes Night falling on the 5th of November (Remember, remember!)

I grew up on a farm, too, so I know all too well the methods of "population control" for cats. We once had a diseased rabbit eaten by some of our cats, wiped out about 15 of them. It made 8-year-old Flenker very sad.

Christa said...

i do the same thing with food. i ate the same combination of avacado, moz, black olives and tomatoes for about a month straight. now i'm really into cauliflower, tomatoes, onions, black olives and asiago cheese. i eat the same thing until i literally cannot stomach anymore.

have i got a cat for you!

and i like your desk.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I feel so much closer to you now.

Sean said...

First having done some buthchering myself I agree on all counts. Second that is a nice (and I'll agree with others not messy) desk.

Stacey said...

My husband would be on the floor with that "hey I don't remember eating corn" comment at the end.

I heard (did not see but heard) about someone actually dressing that way for Halloween. Brown sweats, brown ski mask (or makeup) wrapped in toilet paper w/corn taped in various places. Now that would have been a great one to add to your collection of costumes.
Perhaps the picture directly after the prune one. Pure comedy...

ok, my true grossness is showing...I shall take leave of you now.

Nature Girl said...

#2...Me Too! Day after day after day for weeks and even months when I get into a phase, but it really suprises me about you since you're a chef and all...

You crack me up...that snowglobe is awsome!

Suze said...

You are too cute my friend. I ate oatmeal for breakfast for almost a year. Now I'm wondering "WHY"?

Rebecca said...

so you think your desk is messy? You DO have OCD!

I'm so GLAD you stole Cindy's pacman cards. I don't even know her and I hate her. (altho she's prolly grown up to be very nice)

Mariposa said...

i thought i'm one of a kind...but at least, there's another person or people who can eat the same thing for days... :D

your desk makes me i have to take a photo of my desk so you know what messy

Wholly Burble said...

This is my first visit, and my goodness, it might be true, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing! (hehe)

Now that we're close, I will admit, I am one of those "eat the same thing ad infinitum" . . . thought I was alone on that one, but see by the comments there are many of us singulars around.

I'll be back for more visits. You did dig up those pac-man cards and enjoy them later didn't you? Hard to think of something of that value rotting underground. But then, principals/principles were involved.

Fran said...

Your desk is pretty neat and good furniture and styling.

Sorry about your nose, but that is nasty.

I do that food thing too, don't know why.

However, when you were in the fourth grade stealing Pac Man cards, I was in bars already drinking and playing Pac Man. Badly.

And I am with you on that corn thing!

(my verification word is ddfunay... is it some bra humor?)

Lisa said...

Ouch with the nose snip! And if you think your desk is messy, you haven't seen messy!!!

Stefanie said...

I have a cinnamon bagel for breakfast every day. If I'm going to eat the same damn thing every day, you'd think I could at least pick something healthier... or at least something that doesn't make my co-workers hate me so much for making the place smell like cinnamon and not bringing enough to share.

Also, my grandma had those same Looney Toons glasses!

Mommy Lisa said...

qI agree that your desk is NOT messy.

However, I will tell you that studies have shown if you eat the same food over and over and do not get fat. Is that weird? Why do I know that?

Have a glass of pinot and keep eating the damn chicken.

Courtney said...

Tidbits of Whiskey's life!!! I love tidbits!!! And your desk - adorable. I love seeing people's stuff. I heart this post. Except for the corn part. That, my dear, was WAY TOO MUCH! Snuck in at the end, like I wouldn't notice it. But, oh! I did. Ick. ;)

Katrin said...

Hey! Catholic boarding school isn't that bad - it's where I learnt to smoke cigerattes in classroom, how to hold in a liter of cheap rum (for at least two hours!), that you can survive on about 3 hours of sleep at night, that a praying mantis enjoys a sip of vodka once in a while and that turning on a washing machine might cause tooth aches. (The last one comes from the crazy lady the convent scooped up from the street some time.)

domboy said...

A somehow fascinating blog entry, punctuated with a wholly unnecessary and unpleasant postscript. Nice.

Freida Bee, MD said...

Sun dried tomato bagel, egg, banana. Amy's Especial burrito and bag of baby carrots. What?

I started to meme you and then took it back when I saw this. You can take it like th Pac Man cards if you want. You can just buryit or save it for later.

In 6th grade I led a revolution to free the "stinky's", the stuffed animal skunks whose tails were assignments. I got caught and had to wash chairs for the rest of my recesses, but I was a hero, so it was worth it. I was tired of writing those damn dictionary pages.

Grant Miller said...

ee cummings could punctuate either. Nor capitalize.