Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Vegina Monologues

I'll admit it- I'm missing cheese right now in a way that is probably making strangers uncomfortable.  I'm learning the hard way that no one is going to say yes to the question, "Can I watch you eat that cheeseburger?"

That rumbling you heard in the Universe lately is likely caused by the fact that, for the foreseeable future, I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, world-renowned connoisseur of snack foods, cured pork products and all things "chippy" am eating 95% vegan, 99% vegetarian (95% of the time, anyways) (I know, math is hard.).

Yes, I know what you're saying- "But Whiskey, aren't vegans typically self-righteous assholes that feel the need to vocalize this affliction to anyone within hearing range at every possible moment?"
To that, I say mostly yes, and they should be openly mocked.  Often.  BUT, I'm not classifying myself as such.  I'm dabbling more than anything else, and should an errant piece of cheddar or bacon accidentally fall into my mouth once in a blue moon (much like how I lost my virginity. What? You DIDN'T "accidentally" fall onto a penis your first time?), I'm not going to beat myself up about it. 

Mostly I know this- after xxxmas, New Years, and a few fun stops in-between, I was sluggish in a way that was surprising even to me, my granny panties were reaching maximum capacity, and my gut felt like I had been drinking vinegar shots with a battery acid chaser on a regular basis.  I'm only a week or so into this ridiculousness, but pounds are flying off and I actually woke up before 8:00am twice this week, ON PURPOSE.  Trust me, that pretty much never happens.  I may have even been what is often referred to as "chipper" this morning, causing me to want to punch myself in the face repeatedly. 

Now, we all know this won't likely last, given my general propensity to abandon all forays into "health" so fast that I leave skid marks (insert joke here), but for now, humor me. If you're nice I'll even regale you with tales of: my technicolored poo (beets!) (Who are we kidding, I'll tell you if you're nice or not), odd uses for tofu, my dreams where I make sweet sweet love to a wheel of brie, and why I always giggle when I say "Bok Choy."

Wish me luck- this isn't my natural environment and, much like a wild animal trapped in the city, I may bite if provoked.

This could get ugly.

Happy Wednesday, my marinated and oddly spongy little tofu nuggets.  Happy Wednesday.