Monday, September 27, 2010

I wonder if Martha Stewart ever uses the word "fuck" in her recipes? Hmmm...

 So, this Saturday I once again found myself in the lucky position of having dinner with some other local bloggers.  Drinks/wine were consumed, much Italian food was assaulted in a way that could probably get a girl arrested in some countries, and the conversation was such that there was nary a pause unless one of us ran out of breath or was stuffing our faces.  

During the course of the evening, I was told (read: demanded) to re-post my chocolate chip recipe, since a few of my fellow diners had tried the recipe already, and confirmed the total awesomeness of the fucking cookies to the other diners. 
Also, a big thanks to my fellow amazing, funny, smart & sassy diners: Lisa, Lesli, MNMom, Cathy, and MG for such a nice time- I will happily shove food and cocktails into my face with you all anytime. 

So, here you go- the recipe.  And remember- any alterations/substitutions/abominations and I cannot guarantee the awesomeness.  I took a long time figuring this recipe out, so if you change it in any way you will surely make little baby Jeebus cry and a unicorn will lose its wings.  Do you want that kind of guilt?  Do you?  DO YOU???

Whiskeymarie's Fucking Awesome Chocolate Chip Cookies (patent pending):
1c. softened butter (read that? It says BUTTER. Not margarine, not Shedd's spread country crock. BUTTER. Make sure it's room temp or you'll be sorry.)
1c. dark brown sugar, packed (you can use light brown, but it's not the same and I wouldn't recommend it. You won't regret using the dark- I promise.)
3/4 c. regular old white granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 Tablespoon vanilla (yes, you read that right. I tablespoon. I know it seems like a lot, but humor me. Also, try using the real stuff if you can, not the imitation. You can get it cheap at Costco. It makes a big difference.)
2 large eggs
3 c. all-purpose flour (measure this accurately. Don't "eyeball" it.)
12-oz bag MILK chocolate chips (I prefer Guylian as the chips are bigger, but Ghirardelli or any other "good" kind will do. Don't go and cheap out on the chocolate. And yes- yes I know that you want to use the semi-sweet chips for whatever reason.  Humor me, and try the milk chocolate- these cookies are totally different and not as good if you don't.)

If you have a mixer, use it (using the paddle), otherwise you can do this by hand too.
Cream together the butter, sugars, salt, soda and vanilla (if you are using a mixer, usually 2-3 minutes is fine, by hand it'll be 4-5 minutes. Yes, your arm will get tired.)
Add the eggs one at a time and incorporate thoroughly.

Add the flour and mix until everything is just incorporated (if you are using a mixer, pulse it on and off at first or you'll have a big-assed mess. Also, when using the mixer, I mix on low until the flour is sort of "halfway" combined, and then I add the chips so they don't get all smooshed up. If mixing by hand add the chips with the flour.)

Drop by heaping tablespoons onto an ungreased baking sheet, then flatten slightly with the palm of your hand.

Bake at 350 degrees until just lightly browned (they will look puffy). Let rest only about 10-15 seconds, then remove from the sheet to cool.

Eat em' up. You can also add 3/4 c. chopped nuts (when you add the chips) to this if you're into bastardizing recipes like that. Any other alterations/substitutions and I cannot guarantee the fucking awesomeness of the cookies and would prefer if you don't drag my name into it.
Just follow the damn recipe, will you?'re welcome.  You all can have cookies this week, but after my weekend of gluttony I will be once again "cleansing" my polluted system with protein shakes, vegetables, no dairy/gluten/red meat/booze/fun, and enough water to qualify my bladder as an emergency reservoir this week.  We'll see how it goes this time...

Happy Monday, my milk chocolatey little gluten nuggets.  Happy Monday.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Photographic evidence that I haven't had that sexual reassignment surgery...yet.

I currently have 573 items in Google Reader, which should give some indication of how my time-management skills (skills which could best be described with the words lackluster and laughable) are these days.  Yesterday found me walking into the walk-in freezer at work, closing the door, then yelling "motherfucker!!!" at the top of my lungs, such was my frustration with the day-to-day.  I can't lie- it always feels good to scream when I'm feeling as overwhelmed as a hooker on "nickel night". 

I wondered aloud recently if it would be strange to hire a nanny when you don't have any kids.  I'm finding that maintaining a house, a husband, a job and 4 pets is not as "fun" as you would think it is, assuming that your idea of "fun" doesn't involve endless animal feces and throwing together dinners made entirely of previously frozen novelty foods.  I've been getting disapproving looks lately from the hairier members of the household, and the pets keep looking at me funny as well.  I regularly forget to wash my hair, and I have given up entirely on dealing with the many piles of clutter in the house, choosing instead to turn them into either "art" or cat furniture. 

The few odd spare moments have been filled with voracious magazine and catalog reading, wine, hair-plucking, yard maintenance and pizza ordering.  Oh, and I got a speeding ticket, which was nice.

A few photos to use as filler until I get fired, win the lottery, or finally give it all up and retire to a nice tent under that freeway overpass that I've had my eye on:

I still find time to dress up the pets, it seems.

I grew some red carrots. 

I spent an afternoon on a boat on Lake Superior, and no it wasn't the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Bubs was on the boat too, though he looks less enthused about it than I was. 


Oh, and I went to the zoo.  I asked the Mr. to take a pic of me and the tiger, so he took a pic of my boob and the tiger.  Close enough. 

Aaannnddd...there was a polar bear. 

Donkey donkey donkey. 

I took a wild ride on a turtle, and you can see the Mr's mad photo skillz at work again. 

There were some crazy-assed tiny little monkeys with mohawks.  They didn't stop moving for even a second, so all my pics of them are blurry.  I totally want one. 

I hugged a friendly bear, and such was my joy that I closed my eyes and took a little nap. 

Bubs performing his favorite activity in the back seat of the car on long trips- drooling uncontrollably. 

I made cookies with blue things in them.

I found a plaster casting of my teeth that I forgot I had. 

And I found where one of the cats has been stashing cherry tomatoes from the kitchen, for whatever reason. 

There you go, my little twitchy mohawked donkey monkeys.  There you go.