Thursday, January 27, 2011

Weekend of awesome, interrupted.

So I started chipping away at your suggestions for last weekend, and actually I managed to get a few of them done, but only a few.  Here is photographic evidence that I wasn't just soliciting ideas from you so that I could turn them into a novel that would sell millions of copies, be turned into a billion dollar-grossing film that would win me an Academy Award that I would thank NONE of you for, because at that point none of the "little people" would merit time in my acceptance speech, and- let's face it- I'm not going to invite you to the mansion for poolside cocktails pretty much ever.

Nope- I actually planned on doing them all, but after getting a call early Sunday afternoon from my panicked sister who was watching her house that her apartment was in burn to the ground, I decided to hit the pause button on the wacky hijinks.  She's fine, the baby is fine, everyone got out OK, but much scrambling was involved to figure out how to get them back on their feet as quickly as possible since they pretty much lost everything.  (Also a HUGE thank you for all the kind words and offers of help on FB- you guys rock.) 

That aside, here's what I did Saturday:

Gwen asked me to take a representation of her out wherever I went, and I think I did a pretty good job of capturing the beauty and furryness that is Her Gwenniness- I first took her for cocktails at W.A. Frost's with a few of my fellow monkey-lovers:


My main squeeze, H, also enjoyed MonkeyGwen's company, but he wasn't too appreciative of the poo flinging:

Ms. H. Golightly canoodled with our little friend- look how happy MG looks getting her cheeks tickled!  If I remember correctly, we also tickled her face:

As H suggested, we photographed our snotscicles- the camera caught me picking mine.  So typical.

I also took her to dinner at Midori's- that little monkey sure loves her sushi! It was very nice of them to make a banana maki roll for her- kind of makes me feel bad that I got drunk and forgot to pay the bill- oops.

And since I was too drunky to notice MonkeyGwen sneaking sips of my wine, she ended up getting plastered and started hitting on Mr. VonPartypants:
What a little slutmonkey. 

I promise I will fulfill all of the remaining requests (I was especially excited by the suggestion to eat a burger the size of my head) as soon as possible.  Because, for once- you ARE the boss of me.  

Happy Thursday, my furry little monkey-humpers.  Happy Thursday.

Friday, January 21, 2011

East bound and down, loaded up and frozen.

So, there I am, minding my own business while living a quiet life of hermitude in an abandoned refrigerator box under the I-35 overpass, when along comes this charlatan calling himself "Septic Headed Peeface" (a shockingly appropriate name, I might add) who lures me into a white van with no windows and whisks me off with the promise of hobo wine and only slightly stale Doritos.  Next thing I know, he's collecting a ransom in the amount of $4.76, and here I am- chained to a desk, forced to type until my fingers bleed, and only rewarded with that sweet, sweet hobo hooch after I have contributed to no less than 352 blogs, some of which aren't even in English.  I think I might be the most famous mommy blogger in Uruguay now, though I only type broken Uruguay-en and I may be confusing "famous" and "wanted by the law for promoting hard-labor camps for toddlers", but that is neither here nor there.  I'm sure that someday I will thank Mr. Peeface for dragging my lethargic, uninspired, SAD-suffering frozen ass back to this com-pu-tor thingy, but right now I'm just pissed that I'll be missing the all-hobo winter formal tonight, taking place in a perfectly magical abandoned manure processing plant.  One-toed George, my date, will surely be devastated as I had finally decided to let him get to second base tonight, providing he wears the only-slightly-used plastic gloves that I found in that hospital dumpster- a girl's gotta be careful, you know!

Since I'm here, and since it is almost 2 years to the day, and since this weekend is going to be equally frigid as I experienced 2 years ago, I am going to repeat a project that I completed for y'all in 2008. 

Back in the other winter of my malcontent- January aught-eight, to be exact, I gave you all the opportunity to dictate what I would be doing over the weekend.  Oddly enough, I have this same weekend wide open with little to do other than increase my codependency with my dog and occasionally pluck random hairs as they pop up.  I thought that this was a rousing success last time, and I'm willing to do it again if you guys can think of things that you want me to do, providing that they won't get me arrested or end with me waking up in a foreign country pantsless and bald.

I will do as many as I feasibly can, and I will document each event in photographic/video form for your amusement.  Hell- you deserve it, what with me wandering off after sparkly things and unicorns only to come back more than a month later, disoriented and mumbling...again. 

Somewhere in the greater St. Paul/Minneapolis area that you want me to visit?  Something you'd like me to cook?  Snotcicles you'd like me to photograph (um, hello- it's -11 degrees out right now)? 

If I can do it in the time allotted, thy shall be done.  I am your monkey, and I shall dance. 

I missed you, internets.  Life is so much more boring without the special brand of stupidity and shamelessness known as Whiskeymarie VonPartypants.  Let's get that bitch jump-started and kick her in her ample (but lovely) ass. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Whiskeymarie is AWOL! (Awesome With Out Leave)

Hi. I am not Whiskeymarie. My name is Septic Headed Peeface. The world renowned Whiskeymarie VonPartypants blog is now under my absolute control. She has abandoned you. Abandoned you. Abandoned you. For the sum of $802 and 11 cents, I will… I mean, she will…, no, YOU will… umm…

Aw, fuck it.

I’m totally not worthy of the mantle of responsibility here.

Click to embiggen deets.