Monday, June 29, 2009

Dog? Human? Dinosaur?

We found this in our front yard today (my man hand in pic is for size reference):

Any guesses as to what this came from and why it would be in my yard?

Another view:

And, yes- I owe y'all a reunion post, but as I am recovering from last night when I drank waaaaayyyyy too much with this lady (YAY!!!!), it will have to wait until later/tomorrow, when my head isn't so hurty and I've exited my shame spiral.


Friday, June 26, 2009

Can hunchbacks wear heels?

A few quick notes before I start my very busy day:

*My 20-year reunion is tonight (yes, I'm going). The 15th was debaucherous, drunken, silly and ended somewhere around 3 in the morning- I wonder if old age has mellowed us? I guess I'll find out tonight- I'll take pictures, I promise. Hopefully nudity and/or fancy 80's-style dance moves will be involved. If my prom dress was anywhere near fitting me these days, you know I totally would have worn it. Maybe at the 30th.

*As of today, I am basically off from work until Aug. 20- go me! Sorry, I know that's gloating, but I can't help it. Lucky for you, this means I have nothing but time to do retarded things on my blog again.

*Sleeping with Bubs in the bed is ruining my back. The little dude is powerfully strong and able to push me into odd sleeping positions I didn't know even existed, like "the question mark" and "the vertebrae crusher". When I'm hunched over and addicted to painkillers, I can count on you guys to take care of me, right? Right?

*I'm pregnant.

Just kidding, I just ran out of interesting points. You should all know by now that my ovaries are angry and shriveled like raisins covered in hot sauce.

Happy Friday, my wrinkly and drunky little hunchbacks. Happy Friday.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Weenie dogs, cocktails and meat, not necessarily in that order.

Three days and counting until I'm off from work until the third week of August. Finally I will have time to sew those bikinis and speedos for my furry roommates and lounge by the kiddie pool with margaritas and frozen Friskiescicles.

Until then, a few photos for y'all:

Bubbles in his favorite "Look at me! I'm naked!" pose, also the pose with maximum potential for belly rubs:

Out for a walk with the happiest dog on the planet:

Fresh-picked lavender from my garden, drying in the back porch:

The two best salsas on the planet from El Burrito Mercado...:

...Which we had with grilled bison flank steak, avocado, spicy black beans and queso fresco:

The raw materials for making trouble:

The finished product- very tart margaritas with mint:

My newly-acquired 2nd-degree burn that looks much nastier in person. So very glad I'll be going through the entirety of sleeveless season with a large burn scar on my arm- classy!:

Trouble's new favorite dog-free resting spot: on top of the microwave that is on top of the fridge:

The End, for today.

Happy scorching-hot (here, anyways), sweaty Tuesday, my spicy lime no no spots. Happy Tuesday.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Sadly, when we tell people about our weekend, we'll probably refer to this as "Date Night."

An excerpt from the domestic front at Casa de VonPartypants:

Me: "So, are you going to think that I'm a failure as a wife and a cook if I just order a pizza?"

Him: "Yes. Does that really matter?"

Me: "No. I can live with that."


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Rain, rain, dripping from my nose...

I've been riding my blue Univega bike (named Dirk- yes, all three of my bikes have names. I also have Ethel & Gary, but we'll talk about them another day) everywhere lately. In summers past, I would dabble in the cycle arts here and there- pulling out one of my vintage one-speeders to just meander around the neighborhood, challenging the other kids to races and ringing the bell on the handlebars every chance I got. It wasn't about getting anywhere in as much as it was about color-coordinating my outfit to match my sweet wheels.

This spring/summer, though, I decided to be a bit more serious about it and get out more. I put my saddlebag basket on Dirk's bum so I'd be ready for anything and ready to carry almost anything.

I've kept my word to Dirk- I've been all over town many times over- dodging traffic and drivers that don't seem to know the rules of the road, hitting teeth-shattering potholes, attempting some ridiculously steep hills, avoiding unleashed dogs, dealing with sore "bike ass", picking bugs from my teeth, and just enjoying the general awesomeness that comes from just coasting down a hill and listening to my wheels spin.

One thing I'm a bit timid about, however, is biking in the rain. It's slippery, your brakes don't work as well, and (pointing out the obvious here), you get really wet and kind of look silly, and you get that stripe of wet down your back and between your buttcheeks that feels so very, very wrong.

I rode Dirk to work yesterday, a day where (like every day lately) rain was predicted. And just like every other day lately, I figured that it wouldn't rain, as we hadn't actually achieved rain on even one single day that it has been predicted.
When it was time to go, the skies were black and it was pouring with no sign of letting up. I thought about waiting it out, but knowing that I had a doggy at home that was probably doing the pee-pee dance and contemplating using the couch as a diaper, I knew I had to just suck it up and head out in the (still pouring) rain.

And it was AWESOME.

Other than one near-wipeout early on, I loved every second. I took a route that utilized biking & pedestrian paths, so I avoided traffic almost completely. I felt like a kid- soaked from head to toe, grinning uncontrollably, revelling in every second of it. It sounds cheesy, but I felt more alive and connected to things than I have in a while. It was fantastic.


...but still completely fantastic.

Happy Wednesday, my free-wheeling puppies with wet bums. Happy Wednesday.


PS: Yes, this is as close as I'll ever get to mooning you.

Monday, June 15, 2009

A yawner, a snorer.

Sorry, sorry!
I've been busy baking bread and finely tuning my feces removal skills lately, neither of which I thought anyone would find interesting.
Bubbles Percival Sniffenbottom, Esq. and the kitties are finally starting to make headway in the Interspecies Peace Negotiations, which is nice. The feline faction has agreed to once again participate in non basement-related activities, provided that the canine faction stops farting in their cat beds.

Beyond that- I'm working, riding my bike (Dirk, the fast blue one) everywhere I can, cooking, gardening, shopping, perfecting a cure for both underboob and upper lip sweat involving a distillation of bat urine and gatorade, having bloodies and wine with friends, walking the dog whilst simeltaneously trying to avoid creepy male neighbors walking dogs of their own who use the dogs as flirtation devices (one guy asked in a greasy, "his version of sexy" manner- "Does your doggy have a daddy?"), and your basic, run-of-the-mill sloth and lounging.

So far, a pretty good summer.

Oh, and I organized my purses. I got rid of 12-15 of them (going into the rummage sale pile), so I'm down to about 45, give or take a few. This is down from my all-time high of 90-100, so either I pat myself on the back or I go shopping for more. I vote shopping.

I also organized, polished and pulled various jewelery items for the rummage sale. I also realized I have WAY too much jewelery. Two huge boxes and about 5 other various containers full of stuff. some new, some vintage, some cheap, some not.
I'm pretty sure I could outfit a medium-sized County Fair Pageant with all of the (mostly) vintage sparklies I've collected over the years:
I never wear this stuff, yet I can't bear to part with most of it. And this is only ONE jewelery box, people. The other one is all non-rhinestone-related stuff.

I have a problem, I think.

I've also been making a lot of salads lately- this is a simple one with butter lettuce, heirloom tomatoes (YAY!), goat cheese and a simple sherry vinaigrette. Pretty much perfect:
That's all I've got for now, I'll leave you with the cutest 19 seconds you'll spend today (ignore my gracefullness at the end where I can't turn the camera off):

Bubs the Wonder Dog snoring from Whiskeymarie VonPartypants on Vimeo.

Happy Monday, my little snoring blobs of sparkly goodness. Happy Monday.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Maybe next time I'll show you the inside of my coat closet.

As I love love love hearing/seeing/reading about the more mundane aspects of people's lives (what you ate for dinner, what you wore today, what's in your fridge, how many trips to the can you've made today, etc...), I thought I'd give you a glimpse of a teeny corner of my everyday life.

I cook a lot at home, and I hate having to go into the pantry for stuff I use several times a day, so I just leave them on the stove- always in the same spots due to both my proclivity for tipsy cooking as well as my having a wee bit of the ol' OCD.

Behold the stuff I keep on the top of my vintage (1950) stove:

  • An antique timer with a rocket dial
  • A jar shaped like the Liberty Bell for toothpicks, etc.
  • An antique pin on the jar that says "I love Duluth"
  • Squirrel S&P shakers that don't seem to get along very well as every few days they migrate further and further apart. I'm sending them to counseling soon.
  • A vintage Pyrex teapot that I always have on the stove, despite the fact that I just heat water in the microwave for tea.
  • A wine bottle full of olive oil with a spout that I just refill over and over.
  • Coarse sea salt
  • A cup with a mixture of black pepper, white pepper and fine sea salt
  • A pepper mill
  • A jar of honey, mostly I eat it drizzled on Fage Greek yogurt or I put it in tea
  • Salt & pepper shakers that I never, ever use yet I keep them there.
The End. I know- thrilling.

Happy Sunday, my end of the weekend sad little worker bees. Happy Sunday.


Friday, June 5, 2009

Sense and sensible underwear, part deux.

Things I understand/things I don't understand, Volume 2:

Things I understand:
  • Logic
  • Why white shirts + red wine = disaster, always
  • The science behind baking
  • The seductive allure of pudding
  • Men, 95% of the time anyways
  • Why freckles are cute
  • How to make a perfectly lovely martini
  • Why everyone should own a well-made black blazer of some sort
  • Bacon.
  • Which fork to use
  • Taking time to finish the crossword puzzle
  • The importance of shaking one's booty as often as possible
  • Champagne
  • Loving impractical footwear
  • Why someday humans will be slaves to warrior monkeys
  • The power of a low-cut top
  • That seeing people trip is always, always funny
  • That honesty is always the best policy
  • How to make head cheese
  • Wanting to ride your bike everywhere in the summer
  • Why we'd all look silly without any eyebrows
  • The number of days I can wait to wash my hair before it goes from silky & shiny to just plain gross
  • What people mean when they say "You know what I mean?"

Things I don't understand:
  • Why anyone would willingly listen to the Dave Matthews Band
  • Long, elaborately painted fingernails
  • Who would consciously choose to wear white leggings
  • The big deal about ice cream
  • The appeal of American Idol after the first round
  • Technology
  • How to properly clip my toenails
  • How I've managed to not read a single book in the last 8 months
  • How to keep my mouth shut sometimes
  • How penises are both alluring and goofy
  • My ability to remember commercial jungles from the 70's & early 80's
  • Why I can't remember what day of the week it is, generally
  • How, when a single woman has more than one cat she's a "crazy cat lady", but if a dude does, he's a "sensitive animal lover".
  • Why I'm incapable of snapping my fingers properly
  • How I woke up wearing a chicken suit in the neighbor's bathtub that one time
  • What people mean when they say "You know what I mean?"
Happy Friday, my booty-shaking warrior monkeys. Happy Friday.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

Please pass the gas.

I'm swamped today and I'll catch you up tomorrow (or not, I could be lying again), but I feel I should leave you with something, so I'll leave you with the most interesting thing that happened to me yesterday:

I was walking through Mississippi Market co-op on my way to work to pick up some lunch. As I was passing a woman fairly closely as someone with a cart was coming from the other direction, the woman farted. LOUDLY. It sounded like a whoopie cushion fart. It sounded like the kind of fart that makes one's buttcheeks undulate for several seconds after the fact. She made no apologies and moved on.

Problem was, we were in such close proximity to one another that I, in a moment of panic, quickly looked around to see who heard, thinking I could mouth "It was her" while pointing. Unfortunately, I just ended up looking like the guilty one as she was nonchalantly looking for Organic cat food nearby.

I shop there a LOT. I can only hope that I will now be identified as "that broad with the farts", or something like that.

There you go- see you tomorrow, my little fart-filled dumplings. Happy Thursday.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

People who are older than me.

It's my bestest girl Gwennie's Birthday today!
I love her as much as I love monkeys, cheese and photoshopped photos of Clive Owen nude.

If you have time today, click the pic and go over there and leave her a birthday message. Extra points if you make it dirty, include talk of monkeys, or mention how much you like seeing her poop on things.

And, an apology: after I go and tell you I won't be m.i.a. anymore, I go and join the Estonian Liberation Army and disappear again. What can I say- ain't no party like an Estonian Liberation Army Party!

Let's just pretend I've been busy doing interesting things like finally winning the Nobel Prize for my work in Erectile dysfunction research or working a second job as Carrot Top's personal assistant instead of the reality: Pet wrangling, work, having a lost weekend in Duluth, and currently- cleansing my liver and other internal organs with bleach and a wire brush, Silkwood-style.

No go- git!
Have a happy Wednesday, my poopy little liver monkeys. Happy Wednesday.