Friday, November 9, 2007

Getting a jump on the holiday cheer.

With this whole posting every day thing, I haven't had much time to respond to any of your comments. And for that, I feel bad.
I will try to cover most of the bases here, briefly:
  • No, I am not on drugs. Not this week anyways.
  • I am shocked no one called me out on my claim to be 29- thank you.
  • Thank you for trying to convince me I'm not a piggy, piggy slob.
  • I really don't want Awesomebars to take over the world. Well, maybe not.
  • The zits are getting better, thank you for caring about my blemishes. I am now able to unconvincingly "cover" them up. Ha!
  • Glad y'all like my home cubicle/desk.
  • My ovaries are great, thanks for asking.

I completed my second and final round of the dentistry olympics today. One crown, two bondings and two small fillings later I am finally finished. I took the silver. That Romanian bitch beat me again, but I'll get her in 2011.

My mouth is so numb that I couldn't speak to the receptionist when I was finished. I could be drooling right now, for all I can tell. I feel like Mushmouth from the Fat Albert Show.

As horrifying as the drilling, drooling, gauze-stuffing and the assistant with the particularly aggressive suction tactics was, the most disturbing thing about my visit to the dentist today had nothing to do with my teeth.

It was what was sitting on the counter in the exam room. It was scary beyond belief.

It was my Dentist's Christmas family photo.

They were all dressed in red and green, they all had "Santa hats" on, they all had some sort of prop, and they all looked like they wanted to shoot themselves in the head for letting Dad (my very nice and gee-whiz dentist) and Mom sucker them into this. Four adult "kids" and the Parents. This was a recent photo.
It scared me.

I didn't have a chance to get a picture of this picture, so I decided to re-create a few of the poses for you here today.

I spent $3.50 at Walgreens on the hat and mug on the way home- totally worth it.

This is the pose I'll call: "Oh! My cocoa is too hot! Damn Mom, you tryin' to kill me, bitch?"

I call this next one: "Susie hasn't quite kicked that crystal meth yet, but she sure seems excited about christmas!"

This one I call: "Given the choice, I would rather be forced to make sweet sweet love to Larry King than have to sit with these people another minute. I wonder if they can tell that I filled my mug with scotch?"

And finally: "My children are brats and I'm having an affair with my Pilates instructor. Everyone thinks I'm naturally happy, but really that's just the antidepressants."

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night...

Tomorrow: Almost-but-not-quite-live blogging from the beautiful city of Duluth, MN!


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Oh my sweet lord. I love these posts far too much than I should. I bow down to your genius.

Sean said...

I have got to stop reading these at work! You slay my with your creativity! I now going to go convulse in laughter. Thanks

dguzman said...

Ow, I think I just ruptured a kidney trying to suppress my laughter so my co-workers wouldn't know I was blogging at work!

Fecking genius, WM.

Suze said...

You make me laugh. See, that's why they put out Christmas stuff in the beginning of November. The stores are thinking of your picture posts.

P.S. Only 21 more straight days of posting for you.

Stacey said...

Uhh..could a sista' get some credit for calling you out the last time you claimed to be 29.
I just figured you were completely delusional and maybe you really think you are 29. And who am I to spoil that ?

LOVE the photos...I will have my family practice similar expressions for the Christmas card we send to you.

Lollie said...

Bless my 'Rents for never making us do the Christmas picture torture. After my nephew made a suggestion, they did, however, make us do this.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

OMG, you have a Sonny Chiba movie poster on you wall! (But you knew that) That kinda makes you one of the coolest folks I stopped by to visit today. (You most likely knew that also)

You captured the feeling of being trapped in a x-mas picture quite well, for someone hopped up on Novocain.

H said...

I think you made me pee a litle. Holy Lord, are those funny.

Courtney said...

Is it wrong that I think you're more adorable than disturbing in these pictures? I think a mug full of scotch suits you.

Lisa said...

Like the pics but had to stop reading the post when you started talking about the dentist. They make my skin crawl.

abbersnail said...

While nothing beats the Disturbing Mime (or the image of the Mr. walking in during the photoshoot), these Christmas pictures are simply brilliant. Ten points to you, ladybug!

Fran said...

Well Ho Ho Ho!

NO - not that kind.

You are too damned funny woman, you truly are.

EmBee said...

Quite frankly, picture #2 scares me the most... Please don't show me that again.

Distributorcap said...

can you please hold down the humor

i cant imagine what you are like during real xmas

Freida Bee, MD said...

I am really looking forward to your blog about Christmas gift ideas!!

Anonymous said...

Well, them there teeth turned out mighty fine for those Christmas photos.You'll need to limit the scotch intake to a half bottle a day to keep the bondings newish.


-R- said...

And now you have your Christmas cards for this year!

McGone said...

You have a Street Fighter poster on your wall? Damn. Do the Cool Points™ go to you or Mr. WM?

Freida Bee, MD said...

WM- I yet again wonder what Mr Whiskey might think walking in on your making this. I meme'd you and then saw you were just meme'd. Annoying, I know. It's cause I want more whiskey. I mean whiskeymarie.

Butrfly Garden said...

Should you ever find yourself bored...photoshopping those poses together, in front of a fireplace...that would be a priceless work of art. Much like yourself, dear.

and lollie - that pilgrim picture rocks. I can't wait to make my kids do shit like that.

Amaya said...

I love the picture-stories. Keep em up!