Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen! Please welcome the fabulous...

This posting every day is kicking my ass.


Nothing of substance today, just a few pieces of the shrapnel lodged in my brain today:



1) If I were to start a band, here are a few names I like:

  • Westward Ho (also a good hooker name, if you're in the market) (My all-girl group designed to help revive the careers of Courtney Love, Taylor Dayne and Rick Astley)
  • Twat Monkey (ditto) (Me and my three Swedish Friends- Gunnar, Ilsa and Jurken- will do ABBA covers in Portuguese)
  • Sasparilla Sunrise (this is my 70's style, soft rock group name. We wear knee-high moccasins, prairie skirts and braids and we sing songs with titles like "Natural lovin" or "bathe me in the golden rain of your love")
  • Hammertoe (My gay construction-worker death metal group. Our big hit would be "Rivet my beams, weld my joists")
  • Louisiana Bungburner (my blues band- our regular gig will be at the Famous Dave's BBQ on Route 5)
  • Koolaidcindy von Happypants (for my solo R&B career, I need to tone down Whiskeymarie von Partypants so I can appeal to both the 'Tweens and their Parents. Although, once I am seen in the tabloids making out with various married Actors while wearing no unders, I will change my name back.)


2) I passed by a dead squirrel on the sidewalk for the second time in a week. Neither one was smooshed, bloody, or showing any visible signs of trauma (thank you, "Forensic Files!"). I can only assume, as they both were under trees, that they had committed suicide. I believe we've got an epidemic on our hands here, folks. I took the liberty of setting up a squirrel hotline- you know, someone for them to just talk to, tree rodent to tree rodent. The number is 1-888-IMSQURL. Thank you for your attention to this matter.


3) I've had this song stuck in my head all morning.
Nope, I can't explain it either. If it is still there in a few hours I may very well jump out of a tree myself.


4) I'm about to eat the other half of my dark chocolate-covered marshmallow from Godiva that I bought the other day. Then I'm taking my scary sugar buzz and going shopping.

Until tomorrow...

19 comments:

Butrfly Garden said...

Those poor squirrels. Kudos to you for trying to help with this horrifying epidemic.

One of The Man's extremely dorky friends (he has two sides...this is second to the most extreme dorkface) used to have a major crush on me and once singled me out at a bar singing "Elvira" to me at karaoke. I've never wanted to dissipate so badly in my life. Dissipate, I say.

Suze said...

Thanks for the info. I posted the number on the tree in my backyard. My little squirrel friend has just been lounging around and I think he might be depressed. You may have just saved his furry little behind. Muchas gracias!

dguzman said...

The depressed and merely having PMS squirrels out there thank you!

I've noticed lots of earthworms on the sidewalks whenever it rains. Their hotline is 1-888-SADWORM.

abbersnail said...

I'd like to start an all girl funk band and name it "Vagina Funk."

I would NEVER post that on my own blog, for reasons that remain a mystery to me.

CDP said...

You could go with GreenTeaMarie Von NaturalfiberPants for your folksinging debut.
You could maybe try CannabisMarie Von WhatPantsDude if you’re going to open for Phish.

I'm here to help. Happy Thanksgiving!

Anonymous said...

There is a site that will tell you your Adult Film Star name. Mine is Auntie Tata. Yours is Marta de Moaner.

That might be a good band name since it also has a hooker quality to it. Just a thought.

http://www.blogthings.com/adultfilmstarnamegenerator/

Happy Thanksgiving.

Patti

T said...

Not Elvira. Ugh. They played at the Republican National Convention.

You have amazing willpower. I'd have scarfed two.

Christa said...

chuck has a paraplegic squirrel in his backyard. i expected the thing to be dead months ago. somehow it still can climb, dragging its legs behind him. sometimes it falls from heights and lays all mangled in the yard for a bit.

this squirrel is totally ballsy. if i go out back and it is on the deck, it just screams at me. it has a don't care attitude like "what're ya gonna do? break my arms, too?"

my band would be called "meat wheelie" and everyone would be dressed like a weinie and come out on seques with strategically costumed tires.

Stacey said...

So following the advice of one Patti above I checked out my porn name. It was Albino Kitty...I'm thinking that might also be a good name for my all female thrash band. Your thoughts ?

Happy toikey day to you!

Distributorcap said...

did you eat 'smores as a kid?

Fran said...

Twat Monkey... how NaBloNoPoSoHowLoCanYouGo?

Frankly- I love the name Twat Monkey. It could be the new house band for Monkerstein, but I know that Wonders of Science will always have a place of wonder on his blog.

Westward Ho works too. Me likee.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Oh sweet tiny microscopic dust covered baby jeebus, you had Elvira stuck in your head? I'm so sorry. I love the band names by the way, especially Twatmonkey. Hey, pick me up something nice when you go shopping.

Flenker said...

1. Fuck you. Rick Astley's career has never been in trouble. It's just as strong as ever. Nay, stronger.

2. There was a dead squirrel laying on the ground right under out porch. One day, a black dude was walking up the stair while I was sitting out there, and pointed him out to me. He said, "That's one dead mother fucking squirrel." I kid you not.

3. The Oakridge Boys were my favorite band when I was a kid. Yes, I was a fuck.

4. I would fuck a Godiva chocolate covered marshmallow. Straight up.

This comment was made possible by me trying to use the eff word 4 different ways. Since this is sort of the weekend already, "Fuck You Friday" has been moved to Wednesday. sorry about the late notice.

Lollie said...

Koolaidcindy von Happypants makes me think of Jim Jones...

Love and kisses,
Cindy Slit (living with Stroker John)

Katrin said...

Go here to find out more about squirrels who don't enjoy the gift of life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNeNBRyeNKY

it's a show on german MTV

Landis said...

favorite ACTUAL band name ever:

alabama thunderpussy.

it is both erotic, and scary.

and southern, which is always erotic and scary.

i wish i could show you the poster for them. killer.

Mommy Lisa said...

If Rick Astley is in your all-girl group, how can you include Talor Dayne? Is she going to sing bass for you?

:)

Whiskeymarie said...

"Alabama Thunderpussy."

HAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Fucking priceless.

I think that's my new bowling name.

A R H said...

You seriously cracked my ass up. Thank you for that....my life sucks so it was a treat. hehe.

P.S. I vote for "twat monkey". Beyond KLASSY!