Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The one time ever I wouldn't want to be the one yelling "Bingo!!!"

A few nuggets of stuff you may or may not need to know in order to not give up on life, depending on your level of drunkery:
  • The other day, I was busy busy busy getting ready for a catering.  As the day progressed, I noticed that my toe on my left foot was kind of throbbing, but for whatever reason I couldn't be bothered to take 2 seconds and simply tilt my head downward to see what was going on.  Maybe I was too busy picking at things or shoving food on/into my face to pause and be concerned about one of my lesser appendages. Finally around 4:30 I decided to inspect, only to find out that at some point, likely MUCH earlier in the day, I had ripped off my toenail.  Like, 95% gone.  Like, dried blood gone.  I'd show you a picture, but I feel like I've shown you way too many gross pics of my hooves at this point.  On the bright side, my inability to even notice or feel anything at the moment in which said nail was being ripped from my body allows me to cross off another square on my "On your way to being a hobo" bingo card:
  • After the aforementioned catering, we had to load everything up into our cars in the dark.  I only had a few things in my car- some pans, an empty cooler, etc... so I figured that I would just leave it all in there until I had a chance to drop it all off at the kitchen sometime later in the week.  The next day, I had to run a few errands in the afternoon.  I plopped into my car which had been sitting in the hot sun all day and was immediately enveloped with a stench that I can best describe as "dead mermaid decomposing in the sun crotch smell."  Turns out, someone threw a covered pan in the back seat that was still pretty full with one of the appetizers that we did- it not only had mustard as a component, but smoked trout as well.  Yummy.  I may never get the smell out, but at least I'll always be reminded of the beauty of mermaids.
  • A few pics from the catering here.  The farm we were at was stunning, and now my "living on a farm-lust" has resurfaced, boiling away in my nether regions the way that many women yearn for wiggly, smelly, poopy little humans.  I want to give birth to organic produce, chickens and cows, it seems.  The berries, potatoes and baby chicks shouldn't be too difficult, but I better start doing my kegels in preparation for the heifers.  Ouchy.

Happy Tuesday, my undulating, smelly little cow butts.  Happy Tuesday.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Make a list, check it twice, then burn it so no one can bring it up to shame you. Then beat the list-bearing asshat to a pulp.

When I turned 40, one year and one month+ ago, I caved to the folly of youth and made a list of shit I thought I needed to do to stave off being one of those old people that everyone avoids eye contact with at the bus stop.  I thought that I'd update that list that I was so obviously drunk when I made just to fend off any naysayers/haters that don't think I follow through on my shit.  I also follow through on Bub's shit, but that involves my hand wrapped in a plastic bag searching through the tall grass for dog turds, which is neither here nor there.

The update, in bullet form so you don't pull a muscle like you did that one time masturbating in the Greyhound Bus restroom:

I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, do hereby vow to:
  • go skinnydipping more often (Nope.  Not for lack of trying. Does dipping my boobs in a cocktail count?)
  • wear inappropriate and unseasonal clothing whenever I can (Yup. I've recently embraced short skirts and allowing my bra to peek out of clothing with no shame whatsoever.)
  • try to overcome my intense dislike of shellfish and bivalves (Yeah...not so much.  Just, the texture.  The TEXTURE.)
  • finally try and work hats into my "look"   (Yup. The straw fedora is a fave- I'm channeling my inner Duran Duran whore)
  • shave more than just the bottom half of my legs on a regular basis  (Yup again.  Mostly due to the wearing of shorter skirts, but also out of fear of, now that I'm older, having a stroke or something and going to the ER with Sasquatch legs.)
  • jump in more puddles  (This was an easy one.  I forgot how fun it is to totally go whole hog into a puddle, water be damned.  The neighbor kids that got muddy leopracy water in their mouths from me jumping in unexpectedly can chalk that up to one of "life's lessons")
  • occasionally embrace my curly-ish hair (Not only do I embrace it, but I'm learning to love the pseudo-rastafarian mess that it becomes after 1-2 days of not washing it.  I don't even have to comb it- I just mold it into interesting shapes, like hats or shoes, with my hands and go on my merry way.)
  • tell people to fuck off more often than I do already  (This one was way easier than it should have been.  People are assholes.)
  • finally wax my cooter into a smiley face  (Not yet, but I have a Groupon for a waxing place that's burning a hole in my pooner.  I might even shoot for a smiley face WITH a lightening bolt.)
  • quit apologizing for and validating other people's issues that aren't my problem  (Once I typed this out, this one was incredibly easy.  I no longer apologized for other people's bullshittery, including relatives.  I placed the blame fairly where it belonged, walked away and felt no remorse.  This. Was. AMAZING.)
  • stop monitoring my neighbor's masturbatory practices (KIDDING!  I'm totally still checking)  (Still totally checking)
  • keep feeding the squirrels and bunnies, even though it pisses the (other, non-masturbating in public) neighbors off (Still feeding, but limiting their feeding to seeds & greenery, as the fucking squirrels love hiding peanuts in my potted plants, very often destroying expensive and difficult-to-find plants by casually tossing them aside in favor of a hiding place for their nuts.  Fucking squirrel nuts.)
  • stop feeling responsible for other people's happiness ( Half yes, half no. I'm inherently a people-pleaser, such is my lot in life.  We all know how well I've been pleasing the hobo population down by the tracks.  Can I get a what-what!)
  • Instill even more fear of "me" into my students (Not as much as I'd like, this next semester my goal is to make one of them cry while peeing in their checked pants.)
  • fart in public on purpose, just once (Nope.)
  • tell the people and animals in my life that I love them as often as I can- well, until it sort of weirds them out, anyways.(Totally weirds them out, still doing it)
  • get my shit together, for realsies  (Again, halfway here.)
  • And by "shit" I don't mean poo.  I wouldn't know where to put that anyways.  I mean life- you get that, right? (Halfsies)
  • talk to random strangers even more often than I do now  (All the time!  No fear, and I've made new friends!  Even ones that don't rob me when I'm not home!)
  • on that note- willingly accept candy from strangers  (This one is funny- I totally wrote this as a joke, then this kind of cute guy that works at Trader Joe's started giving me salt water taffy and such every time I go there.  I don't know his name, so he counts as a stranger- me for the win!)
  • quit worrying if I vacuumed today and worry more if I had fun today  (Halfsies- I still worry about the vacuuming as we have 5 furballs, but I make a point to have some fun/have some me time pretty much every day.)
  • inspect my pores MUCH more closely  (Affirmative.  Score x2 for also obsessing about imaginary stray facial hairs and using WAY more Biore' strips than recommended on the box.)
  • stop pretending to care about people's kids that I really don't know or- you know, care about.  (This one was easier that I should probably admit.  Once I decided to not give a shit, I instantly didn't.  But don't worry- I still think your little boy/girl is adorable and I'm sure they'll grow up to be President and totally not a cautionary tale on the Lifetime Network for Women.)
  • ignoring my politics (rabidly liberal) or lack of religion (hey- atheist here!) just because I am so very tired of hearing about other people's religion and politics and really don't want to debate this shit. (Done.  Outed myself as an Athiest, and blocked most of the rabidly conservative/Tea Partier yahoos from FB.  Aahhhhh...)
  • get surgically sterilized- tired of hormones, don't want to spawn, and at my age they'll likely be born with tentacles anyways.  (Not yet, but I'm reading brochures and working my Kegels in anticipation of any changes to my lady-bits.) (Also strangely fascinated lately with anything bearing tentacles.  Keep having the word "Octopus" in my brain.  Oc. to. pussss...)
  • take more pictures (Nope.  Actually took LESS.  I blame this on the communists.)
  • crash at least 2 weddings/parties/things I wasn't invited to (Nope- actually kind of forgot about this one.  Oh well, wedding season is upon us and I can wear heels again, so bring on Kool & the Gang- Celebrate tonight, come on!  Ugh.  I died a little inside typing that.)
  • wash my hair more often  (Due to a much shorter haircut than anticipated and my obsessive overuse of Bumble & Bumble's "Surf Spray" This one was a "Yes", purely out of necessity.)  Crunchy really long hair = Bohemian.  Crunchy slightly shorter hair = low-budget stripper working at the Crab Shack)
  • continue lying to my dentist about flossing  (Check.  Though, I tell them that I do it with gardening twine, so I really only need to do it once a month anyways.)
  • Bring back me & my girl's "dare for a dollar" concept.  Any dare, no matter how extreme, was only worth a dollar.  It leveled the playing field, so to speak, and always resulted in awesomeness. (Nope.  This was another one I forgot about.  Note to self" Challenge Blondie to make out with the Subway sandwich artist this weekend, all while wearing a tutu.  That's totally worth a dollar, I think.)
  • Savor every fucking moment, instead of waiting for the next, bigger, moment.  I'm a lucky girl with friends and family to spare, buckets of fun, and a life that is actually pretty goddamn fabulous.  Now I just need to appreciate that fact & get out to enjoy it...  (This one is less measurable, but I'm going to say I was totally half-assed in a good way on this one and give myself half credit.  I'm still waiting to win the lottery so I can move to that island where they let rich people have other rich people as slaves, but until that opportunity presents itself I'm content to enjoy bossing my dog around and seizing the moment when I pick up his poo in a green plastic-covered fist and happily toss it into the garbage can with all the other stinky dog poo. I'm also content to snuggle with that same furry little nugget when he curls up by my belly when I'm sleeping on my side, making me briefly wake up and smile that all is right with the world, at least for that brief, smooshy moment.  Things ARE pretty goddamn fabulous, indeed.)