Thursday, July 5, 2007
A brief but necessary plea for female "plumbing" advice- sorry boys.
Next week, I have to say bye-bye to my beloved IUD. This makes me sad. IUD and I have had a good run for the last 1.5 years. He has been successful in not only keeping me baby-free, but also PERIOD FREE for most of that time as well.
But, alas, ours has not been an entirely loving, caressing, sweet-talking relationship. He has been harassing my ovaries and they are threatening to go on strike if I don't do something about it.
While I love spending a day, every 2-3 months or so, curled up in a ball contemplating taking up Heroin, I have decided to throw in the towel.
It's you or me, my plastic, slow-releasing hormonal friend.
We were supposed to have more time together (up to 5 years, to be exact).
But, like any great love, ours is doomed to be cut tragically short.
I haven't had to deal with pills, cramps, mood swings or crotch bleeding for so long now.
Unfortunately I am one of the very rare few that develops cysts from the IUD. Rotten, painful, wishing I were getting invasive dentistry instead of having cysts sort of cysts.
So, now, I need to find a new pill. Or something.
Or maybe it's time for a baby.
Just kidding. Whew! I slay me.
Back to reality...
I know there is a new pill that kinda does the same thing as the IUD (no periods) but I can't remember the name of it. I know it just recently became available. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
And yes, I know I could just skip the placebo pills and start on a new pack as another way to stop Aunt Flo from sticking her nosy and annoying nose in my life, but I'd rather have something that was specifically designed for this purpose. Plus, insurance-wise, this never works out (I've tried).
My doctor is trying to sell me on the Nuva-ring. Anyone have one of these?
I have this (maybe) irrational fear that the Nuva will be unweildy, uncomfortable and very, very weird.
Kind of like my less-than-successful trial of these was.
Not good, folks.
The bathroom looked like that scene in the Shining- you know, the whole river of blood thing.
You haven't lived until you have to clean up that mess.
Repeat: Not good.
Any input is appreciated regarding my ovaries, birth control, feminine hygiene products, Plastic ring thingys, IUDs, what wine to drink with Nutty Bars, manscaping, and if we're bored- the state of conservatism in the post-Reagan years.
I take that back. I run a clean show here- I wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Politics has no place here.
But any input on my nether-regions and my continuing quest for copulation without procreation will be infinitely helpful.