Thursday, July 5, 2007

A brief but necessary plea for female "plumbing" advice- sorry boys.

Next week, I have to say bye-bye to my beloved IUD. This makes me sad. IUD and I have had a good run for the last 1.5 years. He has been successful in not only keeping me baby-free, but also PERIOD FREE for most of that time as well.

But, alas, ours has not been an entirely loving, caressing, sweet-talking relationship. He has been harassing my ovaries and they are threatening to go on strike if I don't do something about it.

While I love spending a day, every 2-3 months or so, curled up in a ball contemplating taking up Heroin, I have decided to throw in the towel.
It's you or me, my plastic, slow-releasing hormonal friend.
We were supposed to have more time together (up to 5 years, to be exact).
But, like any great love, ours is doomed to be cut tragically short.

This sucks.
I haven't had to deal with pills, cramps, mood swings or crotch bleeding for so long now.
Unfortunately I am one of the very rare few that develops cysts from the IUD. Rotten, painful, wishing I were getting invasive dentistry instead of having cysts sort of cysts.

So, now, I need to find a new pill. Or something.

Or maybe it's time for a baby.

Just kidding. Whew! I slay me.

Back to reality...

I know there is a new pill that kinda does the same thing as the IUD (no periods) but I can't remember the name of it. I know it just recently became available. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

And yes, I know I could just skip the placebo pills and start on a new pack as another way to stop Aunt Flo from sticking her nosy and annoying nose in my life, but I'd rather have something that was specifically designed for this purpose. Plus, insurance-wise, this never works out (I've tried).

My doctor is trying to sell me on the Nuva-ring. Anyone have one of these?
I have this (maybe) irrational fear that the Nuva will be unweildy, uncomfortable and very, very weird.
Kind of like my less-than-successful trial of these was.
Not good, folks.
The bathroom looked like that scene in the Shining- you know, the whole river of blood thing.
You haven't lived until you have to clean up that mess.
Repeat: Not good.

Any input is appreciated regarding my ovaries, birth control, feminine hygiene products, Plastic ring thingys, IUDs, what wine to drink with Nutty Bars, manscaping, and if we're bored- the state of conservatism in the post-Reagan years.

I take that back. I run a clean show here- I wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Politics has no place here.
Move along.

But any input on my nether-regions and my continuing quest for copulation without procreation will be infinitely helpful.


T said...

Ooops. I just advised a friend to get an IUD because you had such a good experience.

I've had many issues with pills, but finally settled on Yaz. It doesn't make me as ravenous or mood-swingy as some others. Jag had the ring for a spell, but had issues with the, um, fit.

How about a vasectomy for the Mr.?

Whiskeymarie said...

I did have a good experience...and I didn't.
I was told my experience was not at all common and most women have few issues, if any.
Damn ovaries.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

i'm on the pill seasonale and i love it. i do however, have a period every three months. and this does mean that i spend one/two days every three months curled up in a ball and contemplating taking up heroin. but all in all, it's better than anything else i've tried.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

oh, and vasectomy for the mr? not a bad idea, but i'll refrain from telling you the horror story of the vasectomy my ex-husband experienced that involved passing out in the bathroom, breaking the mirror, trip to the emergency room and four staples in the head. but i digress...

a vasectomy would also mean regular, montly periods. and who wants that?

Amaya said...

First: I tried those softcups too and OMG! A man definitely invented that.
Second: I tried the Nuva Ring for about 4 months. I was just tired of taking the pill (even though I've always been good about it). It was really convenient and I had minimal side effects but the ones I did have were: the fit (like Jag) and my husband didn't like that he could feel it. Plus I started having yeast infection like symptoms and it stung after sex. But I've known a lot of people who have used Nuva for a long time and love it. fyi. I'm with maurey - vasectomy. but I guess that doesn't help you with your period dilemna.

Rebecca said...

HMM - I LOVE coming here for your wholesome, savoury discussions, whiskey! Gosh you must be fun to get drunk with!

ouch - ovarian cysts can hurt!

I have not even seen those softcup things - but they look absolutely ridiculous - okay while they're IN ....but how do you get them out????

Whiskeymarie said...

Yeah, the "out" part was pretty much the whole problem with those...

feisty said...

not on any pills myself. not sure i like what they do to my body OR the poor little fishies in the rivers (because wastewater treatment plants don't remove hormones, and feminized fish, etc).

i'd vote for letting your man take over this chore. either temporarily (old school = condoms) or permanently (snip)?

whoorl said...

Try Seasonale or Seasonique - periods are every three months. I haven't used it myself, but it was extremely popular with the OB-GYNs I called on (I was a women's health pharmaceutical rep for years.)

The only bad feedback I ever heard was that some health insurance companies were a bitch to deal with regarding Seasonale's refills.

Good luck - birth control can be such a pain in the ass.

Brillig said...

Okay, so you don't just have visual aids, but you have visual aids in what, Chinese? Well, I guess feminine bits look the same in any language...

As for me, I get pregnant on everything. Everything. I got pregnant on the pill, I got pregnant with the IUD, pregnant while nursing, etc.

My best friend uses YAZ and thinks it the greatest invention ever. It's low-hormone (like the mirena IUD), which means I'd probably not only get pregnant, but with triplets or something. So it's a no-go for me. But she loves it.

Snippy-snippy for Mr WM?

Butrfly Garden said...

I use the nuvaring. I pretty much like it. My doc really pushed it on me...way too soon, actually. But when I was on the pill, it made me a total pyscho-looney-bitch. I also forgot to take, every day. (I miss how cheap it was, though!)

So, I have the same problem with the ring, too. They gave me a little timer thing and I'll hear it beeping in the middle of the night and wake up going "SHIT! I forgot to take my ring out!" But only sometimes.

TM can feel it, but it doesn't really bother him (after I assured him he wouldn't grow boobs from touching it. Oh! It falls out, sometimes, during the deed. Once I didn't know until I found it in the bed the next day. It's always crappy to mess up something so expensive.

You can go three months on the ring, too - just inserting a new one, but I wondered that about the insurance when my doctor suggested it. Plus, I don't like messing with my body too much because I still don't know if everything is kosher in there.

Stacy said...

OH SHITTYSHIT. Your lovely friend the Mirena has to come out??? GodDAMNit! Is it the hormones or the IUD itself? 'Cuz if it's the hormones, then git yerself one of them copper IUD's. No hormones and works the same way.

BTW, my little Mirena friend (after FOUR MONTHS OF BLEEDING) decided I needed to retain 10 pounds of winterweight this summer. NOT HAPPY.

Boys are chicken about the snip, so I don't even ask my husbandunit to get that done.

My girl E went and got her tubes done tied. She's hateful with the pill, 35, and smokes like a goddamn chimney. So, she went on U Care and they paid for her surgery. It took one day and four days' recovery and she LOVES how she feels now -- no hormones to fuck with her and she's confident that she won't get knocked up.

If you and Mr. are certain you don't want bio-kids, then go get yer tubes tied. Periods, yes. Babies, no.

Stacy said...

oh. and as an aside: I think I'm the only one who actually LIKED the softcups and am super bummed I can't use them with the IUD! (and they were designed so you could run a marathon and not bleed like a stuck pig down your leg).

Kate said...

I love NuvaRing. I am a complete failure when it comes to the pill, so I went on NR when it first came out. It's been about four years now, and I'll never go back to the pill.

My new Dr suggested running NR back to back - for me, it has worked out, insurance-wise.

A serious added bonus: when I do get my period (which used to be a cramps-so-bad-I-throw-up experience), it is 50% shorter than in the past and 75% less painful.

Also, thy bra cups runneth over. And mine has never fallen out. EVER. It's all about placement. And Kegels.

BigBottomMcGee said...

I use the ring, too. I really like it. I first started it last year when I went to Europe for a month. I didn't want to mess with taking the pill on vacation and all of the time changes...ANYWAY. I liked it so much I stayed on it. My boyfriend can feel it SOMETIMES, but hasn't mentioned anything about it bothering him. Also, my periods are pretty light and only last for three days MAX.

Whiskeymarie said...

Such good advice y'all!

Stacy- I have considered getting my tubes tied (my older sister did hers when she was 25-ish) but not sure I want to do that just yet. Not 'cause I secretly want kids or anything, I just think if anyone is getting operated on down there- it's gonna be him. I've dealt with this shit long enough.

And yes, I am heartbroken about having to get rid of the Mirena. I would still wholeheartedly recommend it- again, I'm just a freak, that's all.

You know, after 20 (yes, you heard that right- 20) years of navigating the treacherous waters of birth control, etc...
you think I'd have it figured out by now...

LittlePea said...

ok. My doctor tried to get me to try IUD or the Nuvaring but I just couldn't. There's just something unsettling to me about having a foreign object stuck inside my unmentionable for longer than a couple hours(like a tampon). I get anemia all the time so my doctor suggested I try the pill that you take for 3 months so you only have your period 4 times a year and I like it. There are 2 kinds-Seasonale and Seasonique. I take Seasonique. I did get a regular period the first month but now I'm on schedule. You might like it.

Nocturnal said...

Confirmed, you never know what you'll come across on your blog. Ovaries are brutal.


Lollie said...

I've been out of this loop for quite a while, but can I ask a question? When did birth control start sounding like meat toppings (Seasonale, Seasonique, etc...)?

Whiskeymarie said...

Oh lol- you make me laugh.
Meat toppings.
I'm still giggling.

Stacey said...

Just weighing in now... I tried the Nuva Ring because my sister swore by it and my uterus was too long to get the IUD (I guess 2 babies must have taken their toll on the old parts there.).
Anyhoo, I think I must be the only one who hated it! I could feel it up there and it drove me nuts. My sister kept saying give it time...but I just couldn't do it. It was just irritating the hell outta me. After a few weeks I gave up.
So its back to the pill for me.
What about the ever entertained that ? At least then you won't have to worry about sticking things in to your female plumbing or remembering to take a pill each day.

Stefanie said...

I don't have any advice on the ring, et all (I've been on Loestrin for five years now and it works fine for me), but as for your "what wine to drink with Nutty Bars" question, can I suggest a nice Malbec?

viciousrumours said...

Two words: Endometrial Ablation. The only catch, you pretty much have to be sure you want no children ... OB/GYN wouldn't do one for me until after I had my tubes tied. If you're husband has had a vasectomy though, that might can always ask.

It does however get rid of the period.

May or may not be the thing for you.

Anonymous said...

Found your blog from the awards on musings of a semi-coherent mind...

Now I put it on my favs b/c you are so funny and share my love of Jake Ryan.

I have been using NuvaRing for about 2 years and love it. I too failed with pills b/c I always forgot. You have to be Okay with the whole putting it in and out thing. My husband doesn't mind it at all and was even okay when the ring played "ring around the you know what" one night. He's a good sport (esp. when he doesn't have to wear a condom).

Erikka said...

Hey there. The neuva ring seems to be a hit with the early 20s crowd for some reason. A friend of mine uses it and says - It can fall out in the beginning, but once you get the hang of it, it does not. Your partner usually does not feel it, unless there is...fingering involved. And you could always take it out and put it back in when you are done.
I personally take Lesia, a low doseage pill, and I hardly have a period for more than 3 days and I do not act like a raging bitch either. Good luck!