Friday, July 20, 2007

"Future to the back" or, alternatively: "Twice the eighteen year-old girl I used to be" . Plus, an addendumdum.

18 years since this picture was taken. Holy shit.


I repeat, holy shit.

I decided to give my 18 year-old self a jingle and see where we stand, as last I remember we weren't on good terms.

The following transcripts were taken word for word during our brief meeting at the local McDonald's over happy meals and diet cokes:
(Old Whiskeymarie will now be referred to as OWM, and young Whiskeymarie will be referred to as YBHWM, or Young with Bad Hair Whiskeymarie)

OWM: "Hey, thanks for making tome to meet me. As I remember, you had a pretty busy social calendar." (smiling and nodding)

YBHWM: (sullen) "Um, have we met? Hello? I can't believe you don't remember- how OLD are you anyways? Christ, you look like, what...forty five? (Rolls eyes) You know all I do pretty much like 90% of the time is talk on the phone with Waffle about the things we wish we were doing and the parties we wish we were invited to. I have no life. I live in the middle of nowhere- remember?"

OWM: "Hey! Not fair. You know I'm only 36. That's why I called. I'm eighteen twice over and I wanted to see how you feel about it. That's all. You don't have to be so mean about it, you know. And, um, no- I guess I forgot about the whole bored all the time thing."

YBHWM: "Sorry. I just never thought I'd be, you know- your age. So, what's it like? (big, inquiring eyes) I bet you totally go to parties all the time and meet lots of hot guys- right? I bet you're a real big deal now that you took the New York fashion scene by storm. You did do that, right? (gesturing wildly) Wait, wait! I bet you started our own modern dance troupe that tours constantly and you have a different guy in every city- Paris, Hong Kong, London...god, I bet that's exciting! Tell me! I am dying to know what you've been up to- whatever it is I'm sure it's totally cool."

OWM: "Um..."

YBHWM: "What? Why are you looking at me like that? Hey (squinting)...what's that on your finger? Is that a...oh god NO! Is that a WEDDING RING??? Tell me you didn't. I am totally going to hyperventilate if that's a wedding ring. You did not get married, did you? 'Cause if you did I'm totally never going to speak to you again, I swear." (stern look, eyes REAL big)

OWM: (big, fake smile) "Um, yeah. I know we said we never would get married, but I kind of changed my mind. He's real cute! Really! And we did it in Vegas- I thought you would approve! I know we didn't plan to do this, know."

YBHWM: "Fine. Whatever. He better be super cute, that's all I'm saying. But, please, at the very least tell me you have a cool job. Hopefully something that involves non-stop first-class travel as manager of a cool band or something like that. Or, did you skip to 'plan B'?"

OWM: "Plan B? I don't remember that one. Refresh my memory. Remember- I'm old." (rolls eyes)

YBHWM: (with genuine sincerity) "Plan B was: marry someone famous and/or just filthy rich but 'difficult', stick with it just long enough to make sure you'll get sweet alimony, then 'snip-snip' you cut 'em off. Divorce. Easy street, no more working- ever. The plan was perfect! This guy you married is famous, right? Rich? Come on- dish the dirt!"

OWM: (scratching head) "Um, have you always been this shallow? I don't remember being this shallow. Plan B is a stupid plan. Did you really think that would work? And, no- I didn't resort to plan B. Sorry to let you down." (rolls eyes- again)

YBHWM: "Oh don't give me this crap. You're shallow and you know it. Deal with it. Whatever. (pauses) Hey- what's up with your hair?"

OWM: "What do you mean?"

YBHWM: "I mean, when did it get so boring? I thought we agreed we'd always keep it short. Real short. And when did you stop frosting it? One color hair is sooooo 1982. Ick."

OWM: "I got tired of looking like a man, that's all. I realized really short hair with a leather-heavy wardrobe wasn't such a great combination after all. Whatever. I don't care if you don't like it- I think I look better now than you ever did." (smug, bitchy smile)


OWM: "Whatever." (angry smirk)

(long, awkward pause)

YBHWM: "I like your shoes- nice pointy toes the way they should be. At least you got that much right. But what's up with those jeans? When did you start wearing bell-bottoms? Puh-leeze tell me those aren't in style."

OWM: "These are not bell-bottoms, my dear. They're called 'boot-cut' and yes, they're most definitely in-style. I think they make my legs look longer- don't you? I like them. So there." (gives defiant look)

YBHWM: "Well, yeah, I guess your legs look o.k, but remember? I like tapered. Or pinned- how come you don't have any safety pins on the bottoms? (a little whiny) Don't you remember how I'll spend 20-30 minutes to get all eight pins on each side 'just so'? Pinned & tapered pants will always be cool, I know it."

OWM: "Um, actually- no, not so much. That kind of went out mid-nineties. Sorry. You'll get over it- I promise. (pause) Hey- here's something- remember those giant portable phones that people started using?"

YBHWM: "Oh yeah! Those were totally stupid. I bet you all laugh about that now- stupid big phones. Remember how retarded people looked talking on them? Like, um, hello? I'm talking to you from the grocery store. Hello? I'm walking on the street talking on my stupid phone. Dum dum de dum, I'm on my phone..." (singing at this point)

OWM: "Um, actually I have one in my purse right now."

YBHWM: "NO. WAY. (looking skeptical) No freaking way. I don't believe you- liar."

OWM: "Look- it's real small" (pulls out phone and shows her)

YBHWM: "Wow. Who'd have thunk it? So, do you use it all the time? I bet you get a million calls a day if you need to have one of those."

OWM: "Well, to be honest sometimes I'll go for a day or two without getting a single call. Believe it or not I kind of like it that way. Really, I do."

YBHWM: "Oh that is so sad. (shaking head) When did you become such a dork? Seriously. (look of pure disgust) Do you have NO social life? Please- tell me you go out and whoop it up all the time. Please. Some of the time? Once a week? Do you EVER go out anymore?"

OWM: "Um...speaking of which- is that my phone ringing?"

YBHWM: "I don't hear any ringing." (looks suspicious)

OWM: "It's on vibrate- sorry, can't explain- it's a 2007 sort of thing. 'Hello? what's that? You need me there RIGHT NOW? O.k, I guess so..." (hangs up)
(talking really fast) "I forgot a...thingy I have to go to. Sorry, It's an emergency at work. Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you about my job- I am such a scatterbrain sometimes. But you already know that, don't you- hahahaha. (insincere and uncomfortable laugh)
I'm Duran Duran's tour manager. Yup. And I have a series of best-selling books on how to be fabulous. Uh-huh. I wish I could tell you all about it, but I've gotta run! Maybe next time. We should totally do this again- call me!" (makes phone gesture with hand- practically runs out the door)

YBHWM: "Um, o.k. I guess. Sure. Whatever." (eye roll) "Hey- but I don't have your number...
(under her breath)
"What a total freak. Oh my god- weird AND old- that totally sucks." (goes up to get a chocolate shake and apple pie)

End transmission.


This is what pinning was. I couldn't find a picture, so I re-created it for y'all.

Re-creations of popular 80's dance styles with a "hip-hop" edge, "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" as expressed through performance art, and my long awaited thesis on Dippity Do hair gel and its ramifications on the post-Clinton generation.

That or another post about what I made for dinner...


Stacey said...

Pinned pants. I remember those well. Oh the horror!

C'mon tell the truth... Do you ever look back at those pics and say "you know what I was fuckin rad back in the day" :)

3carnations said...

My pants didn't have pins. I tucked and folded. Was that somehow less cool? I hesitate to say this, but your high school picture makes you look like Molly Ringwald. I hesitate to say it because when I was in high school, and I was the only other person on the planet with red hair, people always told me I looked like Molly Ringwald. That was the only similarity.

Gunfighter said...

"tucked"? "pinned"?

WTF does that mean? I guess I am waaay too old if I missed that (I graduated HS in '81)

Nocturnal said...

Pinned pants, damn I totally forgot about those too. Per your current pics, you would never know that 18 years has passed.

Lollie said...

You should be writing for SNL - you'd save their asses.

ps - up in Canada we didn't pin or fold. We sewed. Permanente baby, that's right. You had to shimmy in for a half an hour and then lay down on your back, get your friend to squish your hip bones together and zip up with a coat hanger.

Lollie said...

SO I had a bit of time on my hands on a Friday afternoon...

Whiskeymarie said...

Man, Look how pretty I am- such long, perfect, curly locks!

I was laughing so hard I couldn't type to log in to blogger.

Glad I could be of service to fill the void in your day. I think I love you, my creative little monkey.

Sandy said...

what gang sign is that?

Whiskeymarie said...

I was in a tough, rural girl gang called the "Back-40's"

Don't mess with me man- I'll poke you with my pitchfork!
That or I'll ensnare you in my gigantic eyebrows I seem to be cultivating in the pic.

T said...

Ah, pinning. My pins were always lumpy. I couldn't even do the "tight roll" right. I was a SLOB.

EmBee said...

Nice idea... Though I'm willing to bet my 18 yr. old self would be really jealous of the 42 yr. old I am today... She'd just wonder why I let myself get so fat!

What's with the pinning? I must've missed the pinning? As illustration would be nice.

EmBee said...

Hey shout out to gunfighter... I graduated in '82! Kinda sad this gettin' old thing ey? These young whippersnappers and there pinning.

Whiskeymarie said...

If I can find a picture to accurately depict pinning this weekend, I'll post it. If I can't, I'll figure something else out.

Rebecca said...

he hee hee!! My eighteen year old self would be totally disgusted with me - four kids??? my Gawd!

no idea what 'pinning' is either?

Brillig said...

Yeah, my 18 year old self would positively hate me. And I'm pretty sure my current self wouldn't be all that fond of her, though I do miss her tiny little waist...

Glencross said...

I've always felt the years 16-25 are generally a bit of an aberration. If I met my 18 year-old self now I'd just have to give him a slap and tell him to pull himself together. Don't think he'd argue either.

Rebecca said...

ahh - now I get the pinning - jusdt a way to make 'skinny jeans'!

metalia said...

Okay, this pinning you speak of? It frightens me to my core. I've never seen it before; us East Coast girls PEGGED our pants. (You know, because that's sooo much better.)

Butrfly Garden said...

I am not yet twice the age of my 18 yr old self and she would STILL want to bitch slap me.

I was only in, like, second grade when the pinning/pegging reached us. We tried. Oh, did we try. But soon found out nobody cared what our pants looked like.

Lollie said...

My Own Addendum:

I used Dippity Do (medium hold) every day to put my hair in a bun for ballet class - my hair eventually turned pink in the front.