Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Sense and sensible underwear

Things I understand:

* the baker's formula
* how to operate a food processor
* why it's not a good idea to drink a bottle of red wine when all you've eaten all day is licorice and a protein bar
* why we don't greet each other by smelling butts, like dogs do
* how to drive a stick shift, though I have only marginally grasped this one after 10+ years of doing so
* why clothing made from PVC is never a good idea
* why this website is awesome
* where babies come from
* wine- drinking, purchasing and ordering in restaurants
* how to "work" the cookbook of the month club
* why yodeling is cool
* how to make sauces
* why puppies and kittens make us all mushy
* why mini-golf beats maxi-golf any day
* how to be ladylike- I do, I just choose to ignore this one
* why pork products in all their glorious forms make the world a better place
* that any painting is better if done on black velvet:

*Images from the permanent collection at the Whiskeymarie Museum of Modern Art

Things I don't understand:

* quantum physics
* basic physics
* Lindsay Hohans career
* how to properly operate a computer
* why TV ads for feminine hygiene products, birth-control pills, stool softeners and hemorrhoid products make me want to hit the television with a baseball bat
* how to carry on basic conversations in social settings
* why Phil Hartman had to die but David Spade gets to live
* who buys things like this
* why monkeys aren't good pets
* what heterosexual woman would choose to fuck someone like Newt Gingrich
* why mushrooms can't taste like something good, instead of tasting like feet soaked in old beer
* why I can't just win the powerball, dammit.
* how to whistle
* why people whistle
* why whistling makes me angry
* why all I can remember from two years of Spanish in high school is "hola" and "una limonada por favor"
* why I am incapable of not eating this as often as possible
* why I couldn't come up with a real post today


Stacy said...

I'm trying to pin our Divine Miss Mec to a drinkie date next week. Care to join us? We can even meet St. Paul-ish if that'll sweeten the offer . . .

Whiskeymarie said...

St. Paul-ish would be great, but I'd meet you two anywhere. E-mail me with the details..

ps said...

i'm with you on the post material darling. i figured two crappy posts was better than one good one. i think i was wrong.

H said...

The only things I remember how to say in Spanish involve food and alcohol. "Me gusta queso" "mas tequila por favor" and "mas cervezas". However, I think those may very well be the only things I will ever need to know.

Kara said...

I'm with you for everything, but the hamburger hat. I have five of those, one for each member of my family. They are AWESOME!

Rebecca said...

funny - all I can remember from Spanish is 'una cerveza por favor'. I used to think I was so cool saying that in a bar.

And mushrooms do not taste like that!

Stefanie said...

I'd have to move about half of your "understand" list to the "don't understand" list, but they're both fine lists anyway.

Also, the very first thing my high school Spanish teacher taught us was "Un cerbeza, por favor." Oddly, we never learned "limonada."

abbersnail said...

I might swipe this idea!

viciousrumours said...

I will now be learning the bakers formula, because I have always wondered about that kind of thing.

I agree wholeheartedly about the birth-control, feminine hygiene and stool softener products. These are things we know we need and do not need reminding at dinner time that we need them.

I would not list this in the "not a real post" category. I haven't written anything in two weeks...

Failcooks said...

That's "Un vino con queso. Mucho queso. Y mucho vino, tambien. Ahora. Muy rapido. Andale."

That's all you need to know. Spanish-wise.

And maybe: "No quiero verte nada mas hasta tiene usted mucho vino y mucho queso para mi. Make it snappy, bitch."

Nocturnal said...

Cool list, lots of good stuff right there and I'm so with you re:physics. Fuck that noise.

Butrfly Garden said...

So much to say...what to pick?

I still have one of those black felt paintings hanging in my room at my grandma's. AND! It's a little girl who apparently wears jackets with no shirts. (I didn't realize that until I was, like, ten).

Have you ever read the thing about the guy who bought a hundred monkeys? I will email it when I get to work.

Flenker said...

I can teach you about basic physics and a little bit of the quantum stuff. As far as Lohan's career, it's pretty simple, I think. She's a young, attractive girl with boobs. At least she was at one point, I'm not sure what she's up to now. . .

Kate said...

All I can remember from French class is "Je suis le grand fromage" (I am the big cheese). Verrrry helpful.

Stacey said...

Awww WM just when I thought we were kindred spirits you went and dissed mushrooms.

I love me some mushrooms.

In fact I would marry them if it were legal.

Disco and Dexter - Friends at Best said...

donde esta el bano?

Lollie said...

Are we talking about all mushrooms or shrooms? Cause I'm with WorkerMommy, I heart me some mushrooms.

Whiskeymarie said...

Any and all mushrooms.
ALL of them.

I hope we can still be friends...

deb said...

the hell with the mushroom debate. lets talk whistling. i thought i was the only person on the face of the earth who hates it, absolutely despises it, would like to rip the lips off anyone who does it. generally speaking, i'm pretty steady. but whistlers? (argh)

Lollie said...

Yes, we can still be friends, and to show you that I'm sincere, when's your birthday? I want to paint something on black velvet for you.

metalia said...

That hamburger hat makes me want to punch that guy in the neck. I, too, will never understand Lindsay's career, but I STILL want to adopt her, so that I can reform her, and then steal all of her clothes. That's just me; I'm a giver.