Sunday, July 29, 2007

The princess and the pee

*The following dialog takes place in my head. The scene: Me leaving a very long (8 hours) catering in the middle of nowhere. The picture is me going to fetch my car parked in a field minutes prior to the pee incident in question. I have a 40+ minute drive ahead of me at this point.

(Enter scene, about 5 minutes into the voyage)

Man, I probably should have peed before I left. No big deal. I'll be fine. I have an iron bladder and none of the bathroom doors locked that house anyways. I'm tired of trying to pee while sitting sideways on the can so I can hold the door shut with my foot.
I probably shouldn't have had a bottle of water right before I left. Oh, and about a quart of iced tea. Whatever. No big deal.
You'll be fine- just turn some loud music on, open the sunroof and try not to think about it.
I love driving home with the wind in my hair, I feel good...Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm...(I'm singing this part and bobbing my head from side to side)

(about 15 minutes in)

Holy cow, I really have to go. Should I stop? Naw. I can make it. I'll sing to get my mind off of it. STYX, yes STYX will help. "I'm sailiiiiiing awaaaayyyyy.....set an open course for the virrrrgin seeeeaaa..." No, not so much with the STYX. Not working to distract. Need distraction.
Maybe I need to make sweet vocal love to Steve Perry instead- good idea. (switches discs) "Just a small town girl. Livin' in a lonely world...She took the midnight train goin' anyyyywherrre..."(continues singing loudly and badly)

(about 25 minutes in)

O.k. Just breathe and don't think about it. Holy balls I have to go. I just want to pee at home. I can make it. Is that a gas station? Should I stop?...shit! Too late, missed the exit. I can do this. Little breaths. little breaths. Why are my arms tingling? Are they filling up with pee? Am I going to go into pee shock? Did I just make that up?
Shit shit shit.
Hey! I have a paper cup! If I can hoist myself up while still keeping my seatbelt on, I can slip the cup under... (fumbles with cup, navigates the reality of actually executing this move)
No. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait...(keeps looking at discarded cup, longingly)

(about 30 minutes in, going through downtown Mpls now)

Oh lordy.
Maybe I should stop. Seriously. This is starting to hurt. Bad. My toes are numb- is that something I should be concerned with? Oh dear god, not another...AAAHHH! Damn potholes. Kegels, kegels, kegels, breathe, breathe, breathe... (turns music down) Focus on driving. Where's that damn cup? There must be a gas station around here. No, NO! FOCUS! You're SO CLOSE to your clean, cozy, non-biohazard infested bathroom. You can wait. You can. Sure. You can.
Can you?
Maybe I could just stuff this old sweater under me and pee on that. I don't really like it anyways. Too matronly. Would that work? Could I pull that off?
No, that would totally soak through to the seat. Or would it? Jesus, I can't believe I'm actually considering using a sweater as a pee sponge. Is this what I'm reduced to? Pee sponge?
Oh, FUCK I have to go. Pee pee pee, la la la...
Look at where you're going, my dear. Watch your speed. You don't want to be the girl that peed her pants while getting a ticket. No you don't. No you don't. (shakes head in shame)
Wait, do I have to go anymore even? Doesn't feel like it. Or does it? I'm all tingly down there. OH! Did I...? (Checks for "wetness" manually- sighs relief) No? Good. Oh there it is- I just went numb from the waist down for a minute. No big deal.
La la la...
AAAHHHH!(another pothole)

(About 8 blocks from home, driving approximately 85 mph at this point)

Oh, so CLOSE! Hurry, shut the sunroof, turn the music down- BE READY, you stupid bitch. What if I can't walk and I have to pee in the driveway? I don't think I can walk. It hurts sooooo muuuucccchhhhh...
Damn stop sign. Go, go, GO! (yells out window) Don't they KNOW? I have to PEE.
There it is. Oh, stomach cramp! Oh, I can't move. (pulls into driveway). (Throws open car door) Oooohhhh, it hurts, it hurts...can't walk, can't walk. (limping and hunched over) Hurry- one stair, two stairs, oh, did I pee a little there? No. No. NO. Focus. Keep moving, KEEP MOVING. Where's my key? WHERE'S MY KEY??? (labored breathing-nearly crying) Damn, damn, dam...oh- there it is.
(Throws door open, hurls purse and bag to the floor, flings keys onto the counter and starts hobbling upstairs- Quasimoto style.) Pee, pee, pee...I'm so happy. Oh, it hurts so MUCH.
I am an IDIOT.
Pee pee peeeee....

(slams bathroom door. Emerges minutes later, deliriously idiotic smile on face)

See? I knew you could make it.

(Turns computer on, finds this. Bookmarks for future reference.)


vespadaddy said...

Wow. You'll end up as a trucker yet!

Here's a hint for you male readers:



thethinker said...

I do that all the time.

I should learn by now that thirty minute drives are not pleasant when your bladder is full, but I really don't like public bathrooms.

Lollie said...

Now I have to pee...

kimmyk said...

That little handy dandy thing reminds me of what I use to shove down my kids throats to take their cough medicine. I hope they make it a lot bigger cause I'd pee right out that thing.

Getcha a diaper like Elizabeth Hassel whateverhername is used.

I always drink and then drive and realize about five minutes into the drive that I really gotta pee...usually when I'm on the freeway that it kicks in. They just don't put rest stops anywhere like they use to. [it's okay to pee in places like that if you hover]

Nocturnal said...

Definite control, to say the least; good story WM.

Mamacita Chilena said...

ok, this entry was hilarious. normally I read at least 10 entries back in someone's blog to decide if I want to bookmark them or not...but not you. you had me at the pee entry, straight to my favorites you go :)

3carnations said...

Oh my gosh. This reminds me of a story of my own involving another bodily function and waiting at a ridiculously long line at the Canadian border to get across. Maybe someone should put restrooms just before the border if we're going to have to wait that long.

Glencross said...

That is the most vivid (and funniest) description of bladder agony I've ever read. What gets me is how the pain keeps getting worse - you never reach an equilibrium where you think 'okay, there can't be any more water in my stomach now and all I have to do is manage this level of pain'.

Poo is much more reasonable - you can usually negotiate with a poo.

Body: 'We have to poo now'.

Brain: 'Err it's not really convenient at the moment'.

Body: 'Hmm, okay - I'll err, get back to you'.

T said...

One of my co-workers brought me a "Travel John Junior" back from his vacation. It turns whatever goes into it into an easily portable gel.

It's right here on my desk. Feel free to come and pick it up!

abbersnail said...

That is the WORST FEELING. One of the worst fights I ever had with my ex was when he was driving and I HAD TO GO, and he would not stop. I think that was last "this relationship will never work" moment I had before I actually ended it.

That stuff is serious, y'all!

Brillig said...

HAHAHA. I am in awe of your bladder control. And yes, I know that post-pee smile so well. Ahhhhhhhh.

-R- said...

This was painful to read, as I can definitely relate. In my case, I got a flat tire after I was already feeling pretty desperate. NOT GOOD. (But I was successful in holding it, in case you were worried.)

Butrfly Garden said...

I have my routine pretty down. I have nothing to drink before I leave the house, then I drink my coffee and a bottle of water on the car ride in. If I have ANYTHING else to drink or anything makes me even five minutes later, my bladder wants to erupt. I walk a block into work. With that painful, gottago,gottago,gottago right now walk.

Love the rundown, it was hilarious.

Rebecca said...

oh, whiskey, that was HILARIOUS!!!! You describe that painful urgent feeling so perfectly....

EmBee said...

Oh what an incredibly timely post! I wasn't EVEN going to mention it in my blog but... Just last week I had the same experience, except I WISH all I had to do was pee! Mine involved a country drive... 15 miles in the middle of freakin' nowhere with 2 friends in the car and NO, I didn't make it!

Oh and Glencross... You're SO wrong! And I simply LOVE Mamacita Chalena... "You had me at the Pee!" LMAO!

Angela said...

Oh that was so me yesterday. I needed to release a hostage like no ones business.

Christa said...

great post!

once many, many years ago i just let it go in my parent's garage. it was safer than in the entryway and i knew that by the time i got the door unlocked, i'd be toast.

Failcooks said...

I love it when this scenario happens, you finally manage to bound inside the house, and your beloved is aleady holed up in the bathroom. . .

Amaya said...

Holy shit! The concept is cool, but the thought of feeling the warm pee filter next to your hand might freak me out. Plus, what do you do with it when you're done? Rinse it with sanitizer and put it in the glove compartment?

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