Sunday, July 29, 2007
The princess and the pee
*The following dialog takes place in my head. The scene: Me leaving a very long (8 hours) catering in the middle of nowhere. The picture is me going to fetch my car parked in a field minutes prior to the pee incident in question. I have a 40+ minute drive ahead of me at this point.
(Enter scene, about 5 minutes into the voyage)
Man, I probably should have peed before I left. No big deal. I'll be fine. I have an iron bladder and none of the bathroom doors locked that house anyways. I'm tired of trying to pee while sitting sideways on the can so I can hold the door shut with my foot.
I probably shouldn't have had a bottle of water right before I left. Oh, and about a quart of iced tea. Whatever. No big deal.
You'll be fine- just turn some loud music on, open the sunroof and try not to think about it.
I love driving home with the wind in my hair, I feel good...Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm...(I'm singing this part and bobbing my head from side to side)
(about 15 minutes in)
Holy cow, I really have to go. Should I stop? Naw. I can make it. I'll sing to get my mind off of it. STYX, yes STYX will help. "I'm sailiiiiiing awaaaayyyyy.....set an open course for the virrrrgin seeeeaaa..." No, not so much with the STYX. Not working to distract. Need distraction.
Maybe I need to make sweet vocal love to Steve Perry instead- good idea. (switches discs) "Just a small town girl. Livin' in a lonely world...She took the midnight train goin' anyyyywherrre..."(continues singing loudly and badly)
(about 25 minutes in)
O.k. Just breathe and don't think about it. Holy balls I have to go. I just want to pee at home. I can make it. Is that a gas station? Should I stop?...shit! Too late, missed the exit. I can do this. Little breaths. little breaths. Why are my arms tingling? Are they filling up with pee? Am I going to go into pee shock? Did I just make that up?
Shit shit shit.
Hey! I have a paper cup! If I can hoist myself up while still keeping my seatbelt on, I can slip the cup under... (fumbles with cup, navigates the reality of actually executing this move)
No. I can wait. I can wait. I can wait...(keeps looking at discarded cup, longingly)
(about 30 minutes in, going through downtown Mpls now)
Maybe I should stop. Seriously. This is starting to hurt. Bad. My toes are numb- is that something I should be concerned with? Oh dear god, not another...AAAHHH! Damn potholes. Kegels, kegels, kegels, breathe, breathe, breathe... (turns music down) Focus on driving. Where's that damn cup? There must be a gas station around here. No, NO! FOCUS! You're SO CLOSE to your clean, cozy, non-biohazard infested bathroom. You can wait. You can. Sure. You can.
Maybe I could just stuff this old sweater under me and pee on that. I don't really like it anyways. Too matronly. Would that work? Could I pull that off?
No, that would totally soak through to the seat. Or would it? Jesus, I can't believe I'm actually considering using a sweater as a pee sponge. Is this what I'm reduced to? Pee sponge?
Oh, FUCK I have to go. Pee pee pee, la la la...
Look at where you're going, my dear. Watch your speed. You don't want to be the girl that peed her pants while getting a ticket. No you don't. No you don't. (shakes head in shame)
Wait, do I have to go anymore even? Doesn't feel like it. Or does it? I'm all tingly down there. OH! Did I...? (Checks for "wetness" manually- sighs relief) No? Good. Oh there it is- I just went numb from the waist down for a minute. No big deal.
La la la...
(About 8 blocks from home, driving approximately 85 mph at this point)
Oh, so CLOSE! Hurry, shut the sunroof, turn the music down- BE READY, you stupid bitch. What if I can't walk and I have to pee in the driveway? I don't think I can walk. It hurts sooooo muuuucccchhhhh...
Damn stop sign. Go, go, GO! (yells out window) Don't they KNOW? I have to PEE.
There it is. Oh, stomach cramp! Oh, I can't move. (pulls into driveway). (Throws open car door) Oooohhhh, it hurts, it hurts...can't walk, can't walk. (limping and hunched over) Hurry- one stair, two stairs, oh, did I pee a little there? No. No. NO. Focus. Keep moving, KEEP MOVING. Where's my key? WHERE'S MY KEY??? (labored breathing-nearly crying) Damn, damn, dam...oh- there it is.
(Throws door open, hurls purse and bag to the floor, flings keys onto the counter and starts hobbling upstairs- Quasimoto style.) Pee, pee, pee...I'm so happy. Oh, it hurts so MUCH.
I am an IDIOT.
Pee pee peeeee....
(slams bathroom door. Emerges minutes later, deliriously idiotic smile on face)
See? I knew you could make it.
(Turns computer on, finds this. Bookmarks for future reference.)