Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Seeking work replacement- must love cats.

"What's that you say? You have to go? I know it's been a rough week and all, but I thought you guys would tough it out longer than this. No?"

"Well then...farewell to you my once steady companions- Miss Sanity and Madame Sex Drive."

You see-
And I know several of you that are going to bask in the glory of this-

This week, for whatever mentally inexcusable reason, I agreed to teach a cooking class for...
(drumroll, please)

Fifteen, yes, FIFTEEN children, ages 5-8. Though, they are mostly in the 5-6 range. Oh dear.

What ever could I have been thinking? I'm guessing I was too busy thinking about butterflies and waterfalls to contemplate the dumbfounding stupidity of this decision.

Two days down, two to go. If I make it through Thursday alive I am celebrating with a martini the size of Jay Leno's head. Maybe two.
Maybe eight.

A little bit of how today went (3 hour class):

* 2 "group" potty breaks (my building was designed by Dali. Nothing makes sense. Girls bathroom on one side of the building, boys on the other.)

* 2 "individual" potty breaks

* One teary child, sitting on the floor (Joe had been hitting and tormenting the girls on his team all day- until one of them punched him. Then he started bawling. I had to explain to Joe why he probably shouldn't hit people, especially girls who have a Mom with more tattoos than his uncle Wally from the docks).

* One adorable but hyperactive girl that insisted on being a cat all day. "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow"...well, you get it. I cut her some slack because she kept hugging my legs and saying "I love you teacher". I heart you too, kitty-cat girl.

* One girl who kept complaining that her belly hurt from eating too much frosting, but kept eating it anyways. We engaged in a brief tug-of-war for the frosting bowl. I won.

* Joe (yes, again. He's got Chef written all over him- seriously.) trying to kiss the girls, taking pure joy in them running away, screaming, with me yelling after them to stop running and screaming.

* Every time they all would get something to drink, within 15 seconds someone would drop theirs on the floor. We'd clean up, then someone else would spill.

* The cat girl kept burping really loud.

* One girl insisted on telling me, FIVE TIMES- while I was trying to stop 2 other kids from playing "hey we're frogs" in the kitchen- how she likes to make her favorite sandwich. This is a VERY detail-oriented little girl, I discovered. "What's that? Sure you can tell me something. Oh...the sandwich again. Goody."

* Cat girl took a rolling pin and rolled it up my chest before I could stop her. She said she wanted to "flatten me out." Um, thanks?

* At noon, when all I wanted to do was get started on cleaning up the federally-declared disaster site that was my kitchen, I had to sit and wait for three parents that were late for pickup. Then, when finally they arrived, they seemed to think that I personally had signed the work order for the construction going on that made parking so hard. O.k, yes I did. I spend 50% of my day thinking of ways to make the other 50% of my time more "challenging". Yup.

I'm pretty sure that my birth control questions have been answered at this point.

I think I've been what the experts refer to as "scared sterile".


Stacey said...

Ha, Ha, just be glad it wasn't for 3-5 year olds.

Then you'd really be pulling your hair out.

Could you uh put my husband through that class. He could use it.

Stacy said...

Oh. My. Gawd. Honey, what have you done?? I was a child wrangler for most of high school and my first attempt @ college and it was the best damn birth control I could have asked for.

I love kids, just not any of my own.

AND? (and) you get to go home to your house where it is quiet, no one screams (unless it's you), it isn't sticky from the waist down and there is alcohol in the fridge waiting for you.

**hands you a Lemon Drop in a Very Large Glass**

Cheers, honey.

thethinker said...

You're one very brave woman.

I work well with kids, but not fifteen all at once!

Kara said...

I just can't deal with other people's kids for more than a few minutes. I'd have had cat girl standing in the hall by herself with the first meow. You are a brave woman.

Gunfighter said...

So... did you have those Leno-sized Martinis or what?

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

Ooo....large groups of children are maddening. I barely made it through Ky's birthday party last year. Five girls in the 5-6 age range. There was one in particular I wanted to strangle. I don't think she ever stopped talking. And the party was only 2 hours long.

You are very brave.

EmBee said...

What are you INSANE????

Never under any circumstances take up teaching kids... Especially, ones that young! For Christ sake measuring on whether to become a parent based on other peoples children is NEVER a good idea.

Your own kids GOOD, Other people's kids BAD! I've never really liked kids but I LOVE my own.

I used to teach scrapbooking classes to the 'tween' set and I know exactly what you mean by parents showing up late... Sure just eek out every last second you can before I go balistic on you... Stupid parents!

Whiskeymarie said...

Martinis Thursday.

No ticking whatsoever, Maurey- you should know that by now. I think my clock broke when I threw it against the wall that one time.

Yes, I know I'm insane to do this. Too bad I didn't figure it out sooner, like when they asked me to do the class. The correct answer would have been NO.

Lollie said...

You know those tiny little pink babies crazy over-enthusiastic hostesses put on Baby Shower Cakes? I think you should get a bag of those and float them in your Thursday Martini. And then eat them one by one like olives.

abbersnail said...

HA! I love this! Yes, I completely know how this works. Cooking class is slightly insane, but are you ready for what I'm about to do? Really?

Okay. I'm getting ready to lead a Brazilian capoeira workshop

for 500 kids

between 4 and 14 years old.

I have 911 on speed dial for the first time a kid kicks me. SUPER!

LittlePea said...

wow. You are a saint. I used to work in a day care center so I feel your pain.
I also used to teach cheerleading for 6 year old kids of rich parents already pressuring their kids for perfection. They were always late too....

viciousrumours said...

I love my son. My son is the light of my life. My son is a natural disaster waiting to happen. I find, however, that I have infinite patience....for my child. Other people's children make me crazy. Odd?

You are a brave, brave woman. You deserve any and all alcoholic treats you desire when this class is finished. In fact, I believe they should name one after you.

H said...

You are brave. Insane, but brave as well. A couple of years ago I spent a couple of weeks as an aide part-time in an elementary school in the kindergarten and first grade. I love kids, but certainly not in mass quantities. Good luck to you, and you certainly deserve a nice Adult Beverage (or two or three).

Which reminds me of the scene in School of Rock where Jack Black goes to the classroom for the first time and says, "Kids, I'm hung over. Does anyone know what that means?" And someone raises their hand and says "It means you're drunk!" and Jack Black says, "NO! It means I was drunk YESTERDAY!" Cracks me up evrey damn time.

Jon said...

For the next lesson, your secret ingredient should be NyQuil. That oughta do the trick.

Brillig said...

Hahahahaha. I've only got one kid in that age-range, and believe me, one is PLENTY! Yikes! Sounds like y'all had a... delightful time.

Rebecca said...

fifteen under-nine year olds?? Hee hee. That's quite hilarious. Knowing how hard it is to control FOUR kids - I would never agree to such participate in such a torturous excercise!!
You'll neeed more than one enormous martini when this is up...and yes...your ovaries have probably shrivelled in fear.

Nocturnal said...

That is definitely life in the trenches right there.

Butrfly Garden said...

Awww. Is it that bad? I'm sorry!

"The cat girl - that's Sunshine all the way. She's not loud, but she does act like an animal sometimes. I'm trying to find a way to end it without squashing her creativity. It really just comes off as being weird. But she is the girl who loves her teachers, too. Every community ed. class or anything, she latches on to the teacher and tries to hug her and hold her hand. It's funny because I'm RIGHT THERE. I'm grateful that at least she isn't one of the kids who wants to sit in mommy's lap the whole time.

(Not sure SS would try to flatten boobs, but that was effin hilarious!)