Monday, December 17, 2007

The weekend that was...and wasn't


10:30 a.m.- Start running errands for work. Wondering if it's too late to call in lazy, knowing that this brief moment in my car is the last time I'll sit until 10:00 tonight.

5:00- Quittin' time/Happy hour for much of the world. Me? Still at work, running around like Britney at the international snack food and illicit drug convention. I wonder, if you're still at work, can you still participate in happy hour? It doesn't seem fair to miss out on discount cocktails for a minor technicality like that.

7:30- Still working, starting to lose steam. Thinking of making a Cokaccino, a drink patented by a former employer of mine that involves dripping a shot of espresso in a Coke, "Jag-bomb" style.

9:25- Almost done, so exhausted I am losing the ability to make coherent sentences anymore.
"You do go there, bumblebee sparkle hat." Came out when "Pick that up, put it here" is what I meant.

9:50- Finally home, collapse on couch, possibly stinky & definitely pooped. Start drinking my 32-oz. "Big Gulp" of wine.

1:00 a.m- Can't sleep. Maybe drunk, possibly still wired from the (again) overload of caffeine in my system. Vow to become vegan, caffeine-free, non-sugar eating exercise freak tomorrow.

2:00-ish- Finally asleep-ish.


8:30 a.m.- Wake up, need to be at work by 9:30 for cookie "class". Eat a bowl of sugary frosted shredded wheat. Wishing someone would make me some bacon and make me coffee. Vegan, schmegan. I really don't want to do this class, but once again it's too late to call in lazy.

11:00- Start the cookie baking extravaganza. Over the next 2.5-3 hours this group of 11 will make over 900 cookies. The cherry-white chocolate shortbread cookies and the Chocolate mint cookies are my favorites. The cappuccino kisses, Boozy chocolate rum balls and raspberry white chocolate bars are all pretty tasty too.

2:30- Finish cleaning up, going home. I am moving a little slowly due to the large number of cookies comsumed. Renew vow of vegannoncaffinatedsugarfreeexercisejunkie.

2:45-6:15- Try and rest a bit, agonize over whether or not to go to party. Watch court TV, read a bit of Harpers, decide I am too dumb in my present state to get much beyond "Harper's Index". Decide to read catalogs instead. Wonder if it's too extravagant to order $34 chocolates for myself.

6:15- Realize that if I have any chance of getting to Saji-ya on time to meet the Blondies for sushi, I need to get in the shower now. I consider skipping the shower altogether, but my stringy, greasy hair that I can practically mold into "hair art" rules that option out. That, and I'm pretty sure I'm getting a little on the gamey side of things. Stinkasaurous Rex.

7:10- Arrive late for dinner. I was ready on time (for once), but the Mr. wasn't. I'll let it slide cause he's sickety sick sick right now.

9:30- Stop at liquor store on the way home. Jameson and wine were purchased. Come to mommy, sweet sweet tastiness.

12:00-ish- Can't sleep again, putzing around on the computer instead. Decide against chocolate purchase, consider more jewelery from Etsy. Decide that bed is a better option. Finally, sleep comes a-knocking at my door (says he was lost- something about wandering around in Hollywood and everyone being too coked up for him to be of any use. No matter- he's here now). I think I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in. God it felt good.


9:30- Drag my ass out of bed after lengthy debate with myself if I could just lay there, awake until noon without needing to pee. Nope. Get up, start the day.

9:45 Start breakfast, make coffee. Hot sauce roasted potatoes, Peppers and onions on toasted homemade wheat bread with poached eggs and salsa. Not a bad way to start the day.

12:00- Have to drive 2+ hours for a family gathering. I have to drive alone as the Mr. is nursing a nasty bug. I am not looking forward to this.

2:30- Arrive in Cloquet, MN for the family shindig. Eat lots of cake. Drink lots of coffee. Try and avoid a few people as they are just so darn boring to talk to. Get cornered by one of them and secretly pray for an earthquake or minor stroke to avoid getting too deep into this conversation. No such luck. Mentally add this time to the growing number of minutes of my life uselessly sucked up by unavoidable, and kind of sad, conversations.

5:00- Most of the family goes out to eat at local restaurant. I silently pray in my car on the way that someone, anyone will order a glass of wine, so that I can. Lordy this conversing with your family stuff is hard. I love them all, but c'mon! No one? Not even a white zinfandel? C'mon!

5:00-6:30- Do alright conversationally, but at several points in the evening realize that there is no more deafening silence than the silence of 20 people in a private dining room all not talking at the same "awkward pause" moments. During one of them I counted 7 full seconds where no one said anything. The only noise was everyone quickly scraping something off of their plates to shove in their mouths so that the blame would lie elsewhere.

6:30-7:00- Say our "Minnesota Goodbyes".

9:20- Arrive home. Collapse on couch with wine and Esquire. Stay up too late reading magazine, but decide that dammit, I will do at least ONE more thing this weekend of my choosing.

11:45- Go to bed, sleep like a log. Vow to become a vegannoncaffienatedsugarfreeexercisejunkie tomorrow.


9:30(!) a.m.- Wake up, wonder why you don't have someone to bring you bacon, eggs, a doughnut and coffee in bed.

10:00- Blog.

11:11- Realize you have to get your ass back to work.


Courtney said...

Yikes! You need a weekend to recover from your weekend.

And "hair art"? Awesome. :)

Flenker said...

That's quite the packed weekend! Much more eventful than mine, which was mostly spent drinking various fluids, whether it was Dr Pepper, hot cocoa, egg nog, alcohol, or some combination thereof. And Christmas shopping. But for me, that goes hand in hand with getting liquored up.

T said...

Your MN goodbye only takes a half hour? Wow. Generally, I start about one to one.five hours before I actually need to leave. I'm practicing up for the extended family torture session—oh, I mean, "gathering."

nancypearlwannabe said...

I do hope you get paid mad money to work on Saturdays. Although payment in cookies does sound pretty good.

rcubed said...

I can relate--the daily vow to cut out caffeine and sugar, the MN goodbye...too funny. I thought it was just me being from Oregon thinking my Minnesotan in-laws were talkers. So it's the whole state?
Well, whatever. You've given the world fried cheese curds, so while you are all saying your goodbyes, I will quietly eat all the fried cheese.

Mariposa said...

What a weekend I should say...but then, I do a lot of things on weekend

I would love to have those cookies though...

Mair said...

Must. Have. Cokeaccino now. And every morning hereafter, and every hour on the hour.

L Sass said...

I have to say, I thank god every holiday that my Scandinavian-Lutheran-Minnesotan family discovered the magic of alcohol in about 1990.

Thank you, lord jesus.

Shannon Erin said...


Any chance you'd share that cherry white chocolate shortbread recipe?

Working on Saturday blows. I feel your pain.

landis said...


sounds like you need to figure out a way to put a fork in your neck at certain moments, or fake ebola.

nothing gets you out of gatherings like ebola.

thethinker said...

Geez, you had a busy weekend.

diatribes and dish said...


The family moments of awkward silence. I'm glad to hear it's not just me and my kin.

I might as well start preparing myself for a couple of those next week. Good times.

McGone said...

If the Mr. truly loved you, he would have licked your sugary frosted shredded wheat and given you the snotty ticket out of this hellacious weekend.

"Licked your sugary frosted shredded wheat" sounds like the worst unintentional euphemism ever.

Katrin said...

I did not bake a single cookie this weekend and I am very glad. I got a lot from different moms and friends, so that was enough.
Thank God that at our family meetings, my grandma pops the bootlegged Schnapps bottle even before the first course!!!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

You get more done in one weekend than I do all month.

Lollie said...

At least after you collapsed on the couch, you didn't find that you were possibly poopy & definitely stinked.

-R- said...

I thought my in-laws were just trying to prevent me from leaving. I didn't realize they are just experts in the art of the Minnesota Goodbye!

Stefanie said...

1. Wait. Calling in lazy is an option? I didn't see that in MY company's time-off policy!

2. My family's get-togethers don't regularly involve alcohol either. It's wrong, I say. How else are they supposed to not annoy me??

3. I love that Urban Dictionary has an entry for Minnesota Goodbye. I used that phrase at least three times this past weekend. None of us know how to just LEAVE when we're ready to leave!

dguzman said...

So this is how the other lives....

Gretta said...

There, there, Bridge. Give Mark Darcy a smooch, and go back to sleep.

Fran said...

It was great to be in Cali but did I ever miss my blogs. I mean, where else can I see pig head and have the realization that I loathe head cheese? I won't say anything else about head, but if I did... Oh no.

Plus I have made not one f*cking step towards my own vegancaffeinefreeexercisomaniac lifestyle

Shit. I hate when that happens.