Roll up your sleeves, fix yourself an olive loaf sandwich and pop that can of Bud. It's time for a Spring fashion preview, folks.
"But it's not spring!" you say? Well step up and get on board, because in the fashion world it's already Mid-Fall 2079. Chartreuse is the new orange and human-skin accessories are hot, hot, hot!
Hey- you snooze, you lose.
I know you, much like me, are sitting there thinking, "What ever shall I wear to Imogen deStarchycorn's annual "Spring fling" bash to raise botox money for underprivileged children?"
Well that's where I come in.
Consider me your "Window to Couture", if you will. I am your "clothes whisperer".
I consider myself to be fairly on top of things, fashion-wise. I know well enough to NEVER wear my monkey-fur espadrilles with my pony-skin chaps (double fur- big no-no!!), and I learned the error of my ways that time I showed up to the post-grammys party at Applebee's (on the arm of a certain Mr. G, first name rhymes with penny- shhh!) in pasties and pantaloons. Sure I take risks, but I learn from my mistakes, and that's why I'm here to help.
Let me help you.
Our first little number is a kicky ensemble that says "I'm fashion-forward, but I still love my country enough to wear a giant american flag/knickers get-up that was made in France".
God bless America, and god bless Chanel for giving us this. I believe the house of Chanel is currently in talks to change their name to "Chanel's International house of Freedom", but no word yet as to when the official change may take place.
These next two are what I like to call "When Vince Neil bets drunk and starts a spring line". I was just discussing with my fellow fashionista, Lita Ford, how there really aren't enough pants that lace up the front anymore. And how much did we all miss the GIANT. white, high-top Reeboks with multicolored laces?
Thanks for the inspiration, boys:
Next up, nothing says "Spring!" like having a pair of fluffy testicles strapped to your shoulders!
Who says florals are distracting or unflattering? Why, this young, 5'10", 100-pound lady looks positively radiant and curvaceous in this elegant frock. I can only imagine that it would be positively stunning on the average, 5'5", 135-pound female. Look out, boys! Me-ow.
You know how some days you wake up and think, "Is it cold outside? Should I wear something furry and warm or should I wear something made up entirely of discarded wrapping paper?"
Well, you don't have to worry about making that decision anymore!
Don't worry, boys! We thought of you here too.
This says, "I'm ready for combat, but I'm gonna make sure I'm ready to party, yo" to me.
Much like y'all, I love a good jumpsuit. I think the ease of one-piece dressing coupled with the figure-flattering (and flaw hiding!) flow of the fabric just works for a gal like me.
Hell, if it's good enough for 2.2 million prisoners, well- it's good enough for me.
If you're on a budget and can't afford Anna Sui, try here. With a few modifications and a little bedazzling work, you'll have yourself a catwalk-worthy masterpiece in no time at all.
And finally, the line that seems to encapsulate the psyche of the american woman as beautifully and as poetically as any designer has ever in the history of fashion been able to:
Thank you, Comme de Garcons. Thank you.
I knew this Mentally-ill mime thing would be a hit.
Dress carefully, my little ruffled and pintucked china dolls. Dress carefully.
I'm wondering how many of your male regular readers will think that you dressed your friends in the most insane outfits you could create, told them to look pissed off, and then posted pictures.
That last one is a stunner. Her knees are so coy, half hidden behind those... ruffly things. It's a wonder they didn't add yellow eyeshadow to her kneecaps, to match her eyelids.
WM- You're truly a fashion pioneer...perhaps you're in the wrong biz.
Um, I actually had to wear discarded wrapping paper for a recent photo shoot.
Details later ...
This has nothing to do with this post but check it out Ms Chef. You'll be flipping burgers and hot dogs.
I like your outfit the best. You should be on Project Runway - you trendsetter.
Marie, you really are one crazy gal! Thanks for the laughter!!
Wait a second...people make fun of mimes? I've never even considered it! It is the Fifth Art!
Well, my world's been destroyed.
WM, it's 7:06am here, and I'm LOL in my desk at work...
So, this keeps me thinking, the devil no longer wears prada then, but discarded wrapping papers, eh?! :D
Dear Karl Lagerfeld, remember that night when I appeared as a wispy apparition at the foot of your bed? I whispered "Stars in bars" for this season's inspiration...not Stars And Bars you over-coiffed, guppy-lipped boob!! Regards, Coco.
Wicked awesome. Everyone will be wearing those lace-up pants in 2011...except Olestra eaters and those with raging UTIs.
And aside from the high tops - why in Dakota Fanning's name is he wearing his 13 year-old sister's jacket?
There's only one thing more disturbing than her fluffy testicles...the open toe boots. Okay maybe two things, where in the name of Kate Moss did her inner thighs go? Someone get that sad androgenite a cheeseburger STAT!
You know, if she tripped and fell down because her strappy shoes suddenly became unstrappy, she'd completely disappear on that equally hideous runway. Him too. On second thought, the blue neon painter's tape wrapped around their thighs might spare them from a tragic runway trampling death. A death only slightly worse than being choked purple by a fur scarf.
Warning: Your hair may rebel against the hideosity of this jupsuit, causing it to choke itself purple. This condition is irreversible.
Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight, the role of Pennywise in Stephen King's smash Broadway hit, It, The Musical will be played by Comme de Garcons. Thank you. Please remember to turn off your cell phones. If you don't, we'll shred your pants, paint your face and add you to his collection of creepy doll clowns that he keeps on his shelf in the attic.
cdp- If only I could talk my friends into such things.
lala- You heard it here first, openwork pantaloons will be the UGG boots of the spring season.
Other WM- Shhh... It's my secret dream.
Maurey- This, I need to see.
Anon- I've spent like, two minutes on that game and I'm hooked. I don't know if this is a bad thing or not yet.
Suze- I should try out as a joke. I bet I'd make it at least a few weeks into it. Then when I lose, I can throw a drunken hissy fit on-air.
lisa- That's why I'm here, toots.
pistols- I'm sorry to have been the one to break this to you, but trust me, it's for the best. Better you find out from me and not on the street.
mariposa- Who needs new clothes when we have wrapping paper and scotch tape?
lol- I love you. We really should partner up and start our own snark site. We'd rock.
Long time reader, first time commenter... ;)
Oh Whiskeymarie, I heart your blog! I check it every day for a little dose of irreverence and fun!
Hey what man would want to make monkey love to a chick dressed in purple toast and who has a mime face? I thanks the dark gods that bore me that I'm a monkey and not a man.
Do you really dress up for your own and our amusement? You're odd, possibly my soulmate.
Second mime reference of the day!
Earlier today I had to inform the guy I am seeing that clowns are only slightly less annoying than mimes. He thought that telling me he was my clown would be cute. It wasn't. It was as odd as the "clothes" on that runway.
You, however? Cute mime.
Thank heaven's I checked in here before that party tomorrow....To think I almost wore those black dress pants with the white blouse...geez..I woulda been crucified!
All you need is a mannequin head purse and you're set!
First of all, I had successfully managed to forget that olive loaf existed until you just reminded me. Thanks for that.
Second of all, that pink crepe paper outfit makes her look like a pinata. Are pinatas in now?
OMG you're like Go Fug Yourself, only with liquor added. Yum.
Thanks so much for this--now I know what the cool kids will be wearing. Just gotta get some of that bubble wrap, some red duct tape, and a hand grenade, and I'll have my outfit for the first day of school!
what is up with that woman's knees showing through the ruffles on the last fashion pic? that's the weirdest item of "fashion" i think i've ever seen.
I think I'm blind.
You are so 'Fashion Forward' WM!
why spend all that money on their garbage when all you need to do is raid your own?
some of those girls look like death warmed over too.
I really don't get fashion.
OKAY, and they boot people off of "Project Runway" for hanging hems?!? And where WERE Stacy London and Clinton Kelly when all this was happening!!! Stop smoking chibas in the stockroom at Macy's kids!
what? no sweatsuits? i'm crushed!
That final outfit is definitely for me! Mentally ill mime IS my look.
And where does one get "inspiration" for such looks?? I'm awfully curious. The last two look like they escaped from the set of Blade Runner as extras.
ps) good times last Sun! Apologies for not contacting you sooner. It's been a hella week. I totally heart you and Blondie and next time, I totally would be up for a drunken MOA run.
Ok, the combat party-goer is my fave. If only because I can't imagine how anyone came up with it.
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