Friday, December 28, 2007

That Mabel, she's a real ass.

My ass and I were having a lively discussion today.

Mabel (yes, that's her name. I can name my ass if I want- so there.) argues that the reason she is starting to resemble a pair of cheap pantyhose stuffed with jell-o salad is because of my total disdain for any sort of physical exercise lately.
I had to disagree. I believe that there are several factors at play here:

1) Global warming. The weather is all fucked up so I can't get outside and do the things I like to do as often. I detest indoor exercise as much as I detest non-alcoholic family functions. Sure, I'll do it, but I ain't gonna like it or be any good at it.

2) I firmly believe that I was abducted by an renegade group of experimental doctors at a young age. They implanted me with a chip somewhere in my body that would allow me to have the metabolism of an Olympic athlete until the age of 27, when the chip would self-activate and bring my metabolism to a screeching, smoking halt. I believe that they have been monitoring me this whole time, and they are the reason my doctor's office 'needs" to weigh me each and every freaking time I walk through the door. These same doctors are also responsible for my intolerance for excessively loud R&B music and teenage hooligans as I get older.

3) The earth's gravity is increasing (my unsubstantiated theory, keep your opposing views on this one to yourself) therefore it is harder to move around. You know when you feel like you absolutely, positively CAN'T get off the couch? Well, maybe you really can't. Maybe gravity has increased so much that we are incapable of moving in certain situations. I also believe that certain foods are more affected by this increased gravity as well. A few of the foods most affected are: cheese, anything "chippy", dairy-based dips, burritos, pizzas (all crust styles), olives, cured pork products and anything in the chocolate family. I am currently working to prove these theories and my report should be finished by the spring of 2019.


Mabel agrees with numbers 2 and 4, but she says that I'm pretty much full of shit on the other two.

"Shut up, Mabel! Don't make me squeeze you into a too-small and too-short swimsuit again! That was no fun for anyone involved, but I'll do it again if you push me too far, I swear!"

O.k, breathe.

I think I need some cheap bubbly out of an old-school glass in a rotating, top-floor cheesy hotel restaurant to calm down:

Much better.

Now, someone go and get me a damn cookie already.


diatribes and dish said...

You look pretty in that picture.

Mabel be damned.

Happy New Year!

Shannon Erin said...

4) Yum!

I love the need to add candy (such as tootsie rolls) to the assortment of beautious cookie treats. Just pushes it right over the top of awesome.

feisty said...

i agree with d and d- Purrrrty!

the Top of the Radisson should be a lot cooler than it is. an updated interior and the addtion of a rooftop bar/dance floor would send it higher in the rankings...

pistols at dawn said...

I would go get the cookie, but gravity prevents me from doing so.

Plus, I ate all the cookies, though there's probably enough cookie crumbs on my shirt to make another cookie if you're that hungry.

Christa said...

hey! i can almost see my house! almost.

Fran said...

Oh my parents had those kind of glasses and I thought they were the height of fashion in my youth.

That is until I realized what my family was truly like. Uh-oh.

Very cute pic you scalliwag. You eat all that crap and still look that good.

Damn you WhiskeyPants!

Stacey said...

If I wouldn't have known better I would swear you were at the Space does rotate after all but then I saw the buildings out in the distance and unless the space needle got shorter realized you weren't there. Besides I know you would never be that close and not call ;)

Anyway, tell Mabel to calm the hell down. Agnes (as I fondly call my behind...I just picked that like it ?) will kick Mabel's ass anyday.

McGone said...

I would think you were just making excuses if you didn't back up your theories so well. Have you ever thought about bringing Al Gore on the case to discuss global warming and its effects on your ass?

Lovely Minnesota view out that window, btw.

Ghost Dansing said...

hey mabel!

Butrfly Garden said...

I like your gravity theory. I don't like to read a whole lot into science, so it works well for me.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Would you like some macaroni and cheese with that cookie Madam?

Whiskeymarie said...

d&d- I accept your flattery and will use it to pad my ample ego.

shannon- I know. i was cursing the addition of Lindt truffles. They're like crack to me.

feisty- Aw, shucks. And, indeed- the Radisson could be the coolest hangout ever, but instead it's so very very lame.

pistols- I'll take the crumbs. i have no pride.

c- Did you see me waving to you? Did you?

cdup- I smile like that cause I'm up to no good. Another glass of bubbly? Don't mind if I do...

Fran- You will note that my ass is intentionally missing from the photo.

WM- I predict a duel of the asses coming on here.

nsm- We should start a club: the after-christmas cookie induced giant asses club.

mcgone- I may be crazy, but I can always back up my crazy theories with unsubstantiated facts and wildly distorted figures.

ghost- that commercial was awesome. Thanks. "Hey Mabel!"

butrfly- The best theories are the half-assed ones, in my opinion.

Monkey- Evil, evil monkey.

Amaya said...

You know, the gravity thing makes sense... especially in the morning when I'm trying to get out of bed. Sometimes it is literally impossible.

Lollie said...

The thing I like best about your picture is that I can practically hear Mabel muffling out, "Get mmrphh off mmmrrphghhh me ooooof you grrrghhhntt stupid grrrraagh hag!"

Nocturnal said...

Look at all that snow in the background, that's one cool pic WM.

Bottoms up!


two crows said...

hi Whiskeymarie--
I found you via franIam.
and you can tell Mabel, from me, that I can vouch for you that #3 is ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

it has happened here in florida and it has been known to occur in missouri as well. so, it's not just local to where you are, either.

just wanted to set the record straight.

Landis said...

did mabel take that picture?

cause if so, she's a good friend. you should share your cookie with her.