Did you miss me?
Yes, I know it appeared as if I had simply been abducted by friendly and lovable aliens that took me to the planet Martinitron and made me their queen...but the reality is that I briefly joined a "movement" that required me to move to Idaho and work on a communal rutabaga farm and take on several more husbands whilst navigating the murky waters of a "movement" that wanted me to relinquish all of my worldly possessions and dress in a gray sack dress.
I said "Thank you, but no." and here I am.
I've been back home since Tuesday night, but needed a little "Whiskeymarie time" to get un-discombobulated and wash the rutabaga stink out of my clothes.
I have to say that this was not the most relaxing christmas weekend that I've had. Nope.
- Went to a friend's annual party on Saturday night directly following the drive up and a brief visit with my dad. Much fun was had, including (but not limited to): buckets of wine, dancing, puppies, hot tubbing, eating meatballs, more wine, trying to steal someone's pants, being carried on someone's shoulder like a sack of monkeys, staying up to 6:00 a.m, waking up in an ill-fitting swimsuit, someone (not me- I promise. I would tell you if it was and can prove it wasn't if you doubt) peeing their pants, teabagging (again, not me- we have photos to prove it), and having potato chips and Cokes for breakfast.
- Woke up after the party to a gargantuan snowstorm. Got out just in time to get stranded- hungover- at the in-laws, which is never a pretty thing. I love them dearly, but they need a bigger house. My mother in-law wakes up at oh...4:30 a.m. and has no concept whatsoever of "being quiet". Her idea of "quiet" is postponing the marching band coming through until 8:30 or so- at least until after we've had our coffee.
- Spent most of the time stranded at the in-laws either reading magazines, sleeping or staring at the walls. Seriously. Staring. I haven't been that bored since I last watched Saturday Night Live. Reading electronics instruction manuals zonked out on Valium would have been more exciting.
- Xmas eve was good- lots of presents, lots of wine, lots of food. I love presents.
- Xmas day was more family stuff- more presents, more food, more wine, more socializing.
- After the last family gig we drove home in ANOTHER FREAKING STORM. This drive almost ended in divorce. I am a control freak, so when the weather is bad I like to drive. If I don't drive I spend the whole trip going "Ooh, ooh- watch that!" "Slow down!" and "What are you- drunk? Cause that's how you're driving, Drunky." I am not a good passenger in these situations, but I was an even worse driver on Tuesday. I was screaming at points, nearly crying at others, and blaming the Mr. for everything from the weather to why my feet hurt, to why he is the reason everyone else drives so shitty. Charming, I know.
- Then when we finally got home alive, we had to shovel. The only thing that made me feel better was hurling myself into a pile of snow and making a snow angel. That was fun.
I needed yesterday to just lay around, read and contemplate why I needed to eat 47 cookies in the last 24 hours.
And I needed to eat more cookies. 47 just doesn't seem like enough. That muumuu isn't going to fill itself out, you know.
I also read an entire book yesterday. A whole book! Granted, it was Nikki Sixx's "The Heroin Diaries", but fuck it- that counts. And I have to say that, as far as addiction memoirs go, this one easily ranks somewhere in the top five. Calling his drug days debaucherous doesn't really even scratch the surface. This book takes debauchery and wipes its bum with it. A fun read, well worth 6-7 hours of my time for the 350 some-odd pages.
So there you go. That's where I've been. I might even read another book today! Cause I'm cuckoo like that!
I'm back, I promise pictures and whatnot are coming. Maybe even pictures of whatnot.
Hope y'all had a nice little holiday, my little lard-dipped candy canes sprinkled with powdered freeze-dried elves.