Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Take a big-assed bite out of crime, chew it up, then spit it out at the asshole who is trying to steal your stuff.

From the desk of Lieutenant Heimie Heinerschmidt, St. Irishcatholicsburg Detective:


My fellow officers-

It's been a tough week here in the west Funyunville neighborhood. We've seen a rash of petty theft and indecent exposure, and rampant paint huffing among the neighborhood's squirrel population has caused the tree-rodent suicide rate to triple in the last three months. There have been numerous thefts of giant inflatable christmas lawn ornaments, and efforts to deter would-be theives through our recently implemented "turn crime around with giggles program" seems to be failing.

A few specific recent incidences that you should make note of:

  • Several homes in the area have been broken into during daylight hours in the last few weeks while the residents were at home*. It appears that the intruders were looking for a warm place to watch "The Price is Right" and "One Life to Live". Mrs. Hildy Underwaard on Pants Avenue recently filed a complaint with our department stating that on the morning of November 28th, she entered her living room to find two middle-aged men in their underwear watching "Live with Regis and Kelly" while eating her leftover apple strusel coffee cake from her bridge party the previous morning. She startled the two suspects and they fled on foot. Our department is still investigating.

  • Mrs. Shayla DeTubble on Goiter Street was the victim of a physical assault by an unknown male.** She was in front of her home on the evening of November 29th removing a box of scarves from her interpretive dance recital from the trunk of her car. The suspect approached in a late-model Yugo and attemped to abduct Mrs. DeTubble. The victim screamed in the manner of the tribeswomen of the Gobi Desert, which is apparently loud enough to be heard for blocks. Several neighbors called 911 and the suspect fled. He was later questioned during a routine traffic stop where he had stopped in the middle of an intersection to do a one-man "Chinese fire drill". He was released pending further investigation.

  • The garage of one Ms. Whiskeymarie vonPartypants appears to have been marked for future theft.*** Ms. Partypants, who appeared slightly intoxicated and very scantily dressed when officers responded to her early morning call stated that there were footprints in the freshly fallen snow to her garage, and the perpetrator seems to have been searching for something in the run-down, one-car structure. When asked if there was anything of value in the garage she replied that there were 2 nonfunctioning air conditioners, one nonfunctioning exercise bicycle, a large pile of merchandise destined for a hypothetical garage sale, two old-school rotary lawn mowers, 346 empty cardboard boxes, the McBunchyundie family of leprechauns, a broken microwave and a 6' pile of styrofoam. Ms. Partypants filed a report and made unwanted sexual advances towards the on-scene officer, Sargeant Lerrio Terriolo. Sgt. Terriolo filed a complaint against Ms. Partypants, and pending a forthcoming hearing she will be listed on the national registry of sexual predators. Officers in the area will keep an eye on the garage.

As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, this recent upsurge in crime needs to be taken seriously. We cannot live in a society where criminals make the rules. I am implementing a proactive, aggressive neighborhood watch system effective immediately. This program allows citizens to beat would-be theives and predators into submission with the inanimate object of their choice while waiting for the police to arrive, without fear of reprimand. We feel that this will be an effective deterrent against this sort of crime and I eagerly await your feedback when I return from my 2-week vacation in Amsterdam.

Sincerely yours,

Lt. Heimie Heinerschmidt

*This has been happening a lot lately in St. Paul lately, and not just in my blue-collar neighborhood. For real. This is scary.

**Names and a few details have been changed, but this seriously happened the other day to my neighbor directly across the street. The guy tried to assault/abduct her, the cops had him pulled over for questioning, and then they LET HIM GO. Awesome.

***Yesterday, after work the Mr. informed me that someone had been in our crappy garage. Seriously, I'm sure there are other, better garages to steal from. You know, ones that have stuff in them that is actually worth more than $5. Total.

My neighborhood is going to the dogs, and then I had a very vivid dream last night that a little Latino man was in my bedroom staring at me when I woke up. In my dream I was startled, fell off my bed and was stuck between the bed and the wall, entirely at little Enrico's mercy. He said he was there to hurt me. Yikes. Bad Enrico, bad!

Fucking criminals.


Lollie said...

Things to buy at Home Depot this weekend: pepper spray, baseball bat, huge kitchen knife, large Doberman, motion sensor flood lights, beefy bouncer and house alarm.

Gwen said...

You've been tagged: http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-first.html

WM, I know you don't know me - I recently found you through -R- and really enjoy your site. I don't know many other bloggers so I chose you. Please don't be creeped out.

LittlePea said...

Damn. That's pretty scary.

So the cop was hot then?

abbersnail said...

That is IT. I am coming up there with my two panther-like feline friends and staking out your neighborhood. No one's messing with MY Partypants!

CDP said...

That was funny and scary all at once. "Fucking criminals" exactly expresses my feelings on the matter of people who feel that breaking into other people's private homes is a reasonable and right thing to do.

lizgwiz said...

Breaking in to watch daytime television? That's just...I don't know what it is. Scary? Yes. Sad? Maybe.

Nature Girl said...

That is so scary. Be careful! do you have a dog? even if you don't you can put up "beware of dog" signs or something..that usually scares them off more than an alarm system would.
Take care and be safe.
And your fun part of the story cracked me up!

Stacey said...

I echo the sentiments of getting a large dog.
When he's not protecting the WhiskeyMarie estate you could probably train him to enjoy the drink and then you two can enjoy a round of drinking games whilst you wait to catch those damn criminals.

Stacey said...

Seriously though please do be safe!!!

EmBee said...

Two things:
Watch out for your copper pipes!
The stolen inflatable lawn ornaments... It wasn't me, but can we borrow the guy for a while here in Maryland?

Whiskeymarie said...

Lol- Check and check.

Gwen- Not creeped out at all! I actually have lurked at your place a few times already. I'll go over & get the tag!

Lilpea- Actually, the Mr. found the evidence and didn't bother to call them. He told me about it when I got home & he got a huge lecture about when is an appropriate time to call the popo (in my opinion, ALWAYS).

Abbs- thanks! Are they good watchcats? cause we're never home.

cdp- Crap like this makes my blood boil. i don't know why it's worse lately, but it is.

liz- Well, breaking in for daytime TV and to, you know...steal stuff.

Stacie- No dog yet, but even if we do I can tell you it won't be big enough to do much more than poop on their shoes.

WM- Problem is, I hate big dogs. I'm thinking more along the lines of a security system.

MMM- Good thing our house is so old that all of our pipes are lead! Whew, dodged a bullet there...

WM redux- I'm taking ninja classes as we speak.

T said...

NO hot cop? Nuts. I like cops. Mmmm.

Time to sign up for that self-defense class.

Fran said...

I see Gwen has similar news, but I was just here to say that I tagged you the other day dear WhiskeyBeetMarie.

I am sorry about the crappy crime situation.

And btw, I do know many bloggers but I tagged you anyway sister. And I am thinking you are creeped out. Just remember who has TheThe on their iPod ok!?!

Signed, 50 and Still Hip (in my mind anyway)in NY

Whiskeymarie said...

Maurey- Me too. Love the hot cops.
And I took self-defense in college (needed 1 credit) but I can't say I remember much. I think the primary rule was: When in doubt go for the balls. Or eyes. Or something...

Fran- I can't believe I missed that. I'll get right on it...
God, work is kicking my ass this week and I have been neglecting y'all.
Sorry. It'll be better soon.

But, Fran? You're totally creeping me out right now. Totally.

Sugar Kane said...

Maybe you get a fancy pearl handled gun. Think of the fun you can have pulling it out of your leopard print purse and asking people if they want to see your piece.

Stacy said...

Catching up (finally!) with y'all. Sunday? Nothing says fun like the VFW, $2 bloodies and handmade crap. ;)

Mariposa said...

ly79omg, alarming and scary...take care then!

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

Just imagine how scary that dream would have been if the guy in your dream had been WHITE!

On a side note, a friend of mine left the mall and went to get her car out of underground parking awhile back. As she walked up to her car she saw two guys reefing on her stereo to try and steal it. Since no one was around and both men were substantially bigger than she was, she had a calm conversation with them explaining how to take out the stereo and speakers so that her dash wouldn't be damaged.

How effed up is that? No fear on the part of the criminals. That's the really scary part.

dguzman said...

Yikes, now I feel bad for sending my brother over to borrow some vodka...

and for tagging you for yet another fucking meme in my comment on your newer post. Sorry, man.

Butrfly Garden said...

Up here we've had problems with catalytic converters being stolen out of cars. Needless to say, when my exhaust started having problems a few weeks ago, I immediately blamed those motha effin crackheads. It wasn't them. But how creeped out am I wondering if people are out stealing things from under my car in my own driveway?? WHILE I'M HOME!? (Obs) Damn criminals always have to ruin stuff.