Sunday, August 5, 2007

Whiskeymarie's big adventure

Unless y'all have been living in a cave in the remote portion of northernmost Saskatchewan, you may have heard about this. In no way am I trying to minimize the devastation here.
This is huge, horrifying and ugly. People died. People are permanently injured. Things have changed in a way only tragedy can change them.

It is also a fact that, in our fair Twin Cities, traffic pretty much sucked before this happened. Between poorly planned roads and the ever-present summer construction, backups are pretty much a way of life now- all day, all the time.
And now, it has managed to get even worse.
I'm trying and failing to find a word that adequately describes what driving around town has turned into these last few days.
I have taken the liberty of coming up with my own:


So, knowing that I was expected in the Duluth region this weekend, I left nice and early, hoping to spare myself the inevitable screaming and fist-shaking that normally accompanies me plus large amounts of other cars.

Problem is, everyone else in the city pretty much had the same plan.
Bumper to bumper at 1:30 in the afternoon.

About halfway there I couldn't take it anymore.

I decided that I needed to be anywhere but the freeway. I exited and jumped on good 'ol highway 23, a much lesser known outlet into Duluth.

Pretty much the best decision I've made in the last year, with the exception of deciding to legally change my name to Whiskeymarie Von Partypants.
Ms. Partypants, formally.

I'm calling this "Whiskeymarie Von Partypants' awesome solo mini accidental road trip"

Come along...

Once off the freeway to hell-
I slowed down to a respectable 55mph, opened the sunroof, and pretty much decided to actually enjoy the journey for once.

First stop: Some little Lutheran cemetery in Askov, MN.

It was very peaceful and pretty- kind of like a really nice park, but with dead people everywhere.

Next stop: Holyoke, MN Population: 6

The sign for the town seems to be pointing at a burned-out restaurant/bar building.
And that's it.

I imagine Holyoke's town slogan to be:
"It ain't much, but it's ours so just quit judging us you big fancypants snobs!"

Go Holyoke!

There is nowhere on I-35 where you get a view like this. Really,there is nowhere along I-35 that I haven't already seen 9,495 times and would want to stop and take a picture of. If I could close my eyes and have a robot drive my car I would. I fucking hate that drive.

Two big, hairy biker guys wanted to be my friend here.

Time to go. Bye bye, scary guys!

This is the gateway to Gary New Duluth, where I lived for the first 5 years of my life.
Gary is a VERY odd part of Duluth- it's on the fringe both literally and figuratively.

I kind of think of it as sort of the "Twin Peaks" of the North. You kind of expect to see a midget walking a sheep on a leash down the street, or something like that.

It's worn and faded here in Gary. If Gary was an article of clothing, it would be a ruffled pirate shirt with ring around the collar and gravy stains down the front.

This is the house where we lived.

It's pretty ugly now- I almost didn't recognize it. I think I freaked whoever lives there out when I sat across the street staring at the house ad taking pictures.

Some guy came out & was talking on a phone, so I left. Quickly.

If you hear that the police are looking for someone matching my description for stalking, pretend you don't know me. Thanks- I owe you one.

To give you an idea of the level of weirdness in Gary, I took this one of a local drinking establishment.


Um, was "Vomiteez" or "Gangreenz" already taken?

Friday night's dinner was here.

If I lived in Duluth again, I would weigh 450 pounds- because I would be eating here all day, every day.

I would have a plaque there commemorating my eating achievements.

When I died of a sudden but expected "heart episode" or "choking because I was shoving it in so fast" they would play "Danny boy" on the bagpipes in my honor.

Time for the street dance!

West Duluth is known far and wide for their love of hair bands, monster trucks and spandex clothing.
I have, in my youth, spent much time in the West End.

I like to think of the West End as our own "little Tennessee".

This was my accessory for the evening- a fine bracelet from the Coors Light line currently being sold on QVC.

I'm probably holding onto someone else's beer here along with my own, or I'm just two-fisting at this point- who knows?

Unfortunately, none of the pictures I took of the crowd turned out.

This, or this may give you some idea of much of the crowd attending. Just add in a few frat-boy types that are so drunk their pickup lines come out as " blahhhmmmm swuup tits niiiiice pwahhh" and you get the picture.

It was, in a word, Awesome.

By the end of the night, the street had several layers of crushed beer cans on it, creating a sort of Bud Lite "silver brick road".

Kind of a White Trash "Wizard of Oz". We'll let Britney have the lead role in the movie. She deserves it.

Saturday afternoon at Fish Lake with my boyfriend Bullet. He's a real dog.

He's an amazingly good swimmer, that furry boy.
My BFF Waffle and Mr. Waffle were there too.
Sort of an inter-species double-date.

Me, right before I lost even more brain function due to high-speed tubing.

I haven't laughed that much in a looooong time.

If you could see the swimsuit I'm wearing (borrowed) you'd laugh too.

Horizontal stripes.
Not good.

Gratuitous titty shot- My suit was still wet when I put my monkey top back on & it started soaking through.

Mr. Waffle kept asking me the rest of the weekend if I was still lactating.

I have been dubbed "the Lactinator"

Mr. Waffle took me for a ride on his motorcycle down to Canal Park to go to dinner here.
(as a quickie review- entirely underwhelming.)

I spent a ton of time on my hair before we left, and I thought that if I twisted it into a barrette before we left (no helmets- I KNOW, I know. You can be the first to say I told you so if I ever end up wearing a helmet permanently, I promise) that everything would be fine.

By the time we got there I looked like this.

Also: Drinks here, and here, lots of sleeping, a stripey sunburned back, lots of bruises, a dog that eats toothbrushes, and hanging with my girls.

I'm home now.
I'm tired.
I'm achy from the tubing.
I need to eat some vegetables.

Damn, I had a good weekend.


Sugar Kane said...

Sounds like you had an awesome time! Great pics.

What's the neckalce you are wearing in the double-fisting pic?

Whiskeymarie said...

It's a silver fishy looking thing- I've had it for a long time.
It used to be a choker around 1991- I put it on a chain to update it.
Wish I could tell you where to get one...

abbersnail said...

Lady, you are freaking gorgeous. And I'm jealous of your weekend!

Butrfly Garden said...

My weekend was SOO different. hahaha. We ended up changing most of our plans, but it all worked out. I have news from my weekend, I hope I get time to post tomorrow morning. For five hours of driving has pummeled my brain and I can no longer think clearly.

You ARE absolutely gorgeous.

I'm glad you had fun. The beaten path is always more boring.

Nocturnal said...

Talk about making the rounds, that was a full itinerary right there. You know I've seen pictures of those dogs and they either come off as uglier than Esther on Sanford and Son or kick ass. That dog is kick ass, love his eyes.


Christa said...

bah. six years, six missed street dances. i hate my life.

Sandy said...

To say you're beautiful would be at this point be over redundant.

I'm really glad you decided to take highway 23, for all the reasons you described but also because you beat all the suckers still on the intrastate. gj

Also any place who's staple products are burritos, beer and espressos sounds just about like paradise.

Mamacita Chilena said...

burritos beer and espresso.

did you eat all three at once? yikes, hope you had some tums with you!

Kate said...

Holy crap, I love taking Hwy 23 too. And every time I visit my friends in Superior, I take the Oliver bridge just to get a slice of Gary. That place is so bizarre, it's fabulous. But no photo of the gun shop?

nancypearlwannabe said...

Moldeez?! For real? That's like a restaurant in Ithaca called Shards. Nothing like conjuring up images of broken glass while you're trying to eat, huh?

Lollie said...

Yes but did you need to pee while you were traveling in the car?

The background on the 7th pic looks like it might be missing some letters:

-R- said...

I have never been to Duluth! I do not count the time I drove through it on the way to and from Tofte. Now I feel that I must go. Think of all the mullets I have been missing!

lizgwiz said...

Sounds like a great weekend. Your boyfriend is SOO handsome. ;)

There's a bar here called "Sutures." Yeah, I want to think about getting stitched up when I'm drinking. There's also a "Cucaracha." Another fun thing to think about while imbibing, huh?

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

glad you had such a great weekend! awesome pics!

Brillig said...

First off, you are indeed freaking gorgeous. Secondly, I'm adopting "supramaxisucktacular" as my own. Love it. And lastly, I'm so glad you had an adventure. I always worry that your life may be a bit too boring...

Brillig said...

Oh, and I nearly died over "lactinator." hahahahaha

kimmyk said...

I thought your milk let down too. Sorry!

It looks like you had a good time. Except that whole potential stalker thing you had going on at your previous address.

Glad you had a good time and made it home safe and sound. Tubing does tire one out...but it's alot of fun!

Failcooks said...

Be so fucking glad you did not go to that stoopid happy hour deal. You did miss a fabulous feast at Saffron though, which inspired me to propose to the chef on a cocktail napkin. Looks like you had more fun though. And yeah, you're gorgeous. But we already knew that. Drinkin' soon, beautiful.

Suze said...

You left the most important thing out. Did you wear the gown?

Just wondering what the reaction was as to whether I'll wear my gown to the upcoming crab festival. Come to think of it, I should definitely check out if the festival is celebrating the water crustation-crab type. You never know in these small towns :)

Katrin said...

Wearing wedges on a motorbike... So stylish! Love how your weekend sounds. Very sweet pictures! Thanks for stopping buy on my blog.

Whiskeymarie said...

As I rarely comment back, today I am turning over a new leaf...

Abbers- Back at 'cha

Butrfly- your news trumps my weekend- happy happy!

Nocturnal- he's cute, but he's high maintenance- think ADD shark (never stops moving and eats everything)

Christa- You should have gone- It was total sensory overload.

Sandy- Awww, shucks. And yes, the burrito, beer and espresso combo is pretty much what they serve in food heaven.

Ms. Chile- No- wine and a burrito. No tums necessary.

Kate- I thought about it, but Moldeez won out.

NPW- I hope that the people who name these places see the humor in this...

Lol- No. Strangely, I didn't have to stop to pee even once in the nearly 4-hour trip. How odd.

R- Go! Go now! Duluth is awesome on thirteen different levels of awesome.

Lizwig- Sutures? Ha! We have a "La Cucaracha" here in St. Paul. Mexican. Good.

DDG- Yes, it was. Yes it was.

Brill- I know, I can be a real wet blanket.

Kimmyk- Tubing is my new religion. I worship the tube.

Mec- did he accept? I sure hope so...Oh yeah, you're already married.

Suzel- No gown, I was worried it would get beer spilled on it. You should wear yours though, no matter what "crabs" you're celebrating.

Amaya- Men in short cutoffs always seems so gay to me. Very "Deliverance".

Stacey said...

What's that again supramaxipad...what ?

I love a gal who makes up her own words. I do that quite often too.

Glad you had a good time and even better that you shared it with us via pics. Secretly you just wanted us to see how gorgeous and put together you are (even when riding a motorcycle) so we could be jealous, huh ?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

A friend of mine sent me the link to your blog and after reading this post I figured out why. You are simply a riot! Love the blog, love your name, and I especially love that shot of you in the monkey tank top.

Whiskeymarie said...

Other WM (and Katrin)- yes, it's my evil little plan. No, seriously. You should see me right now- greasy hair, bruised, stain on my t-shirt, unshaved and stylish indeed.

Dr. Monkey- No, I love YOUR name.
Monkey. You're my new blog-crush.

Stefanie said...

Gary New Duluth? How have I never heard of this place? I really should explore more when I'm up in those parts.

Wide Lawns said...

I have no idea how I found your blog, but I'm glad I did (fellow monkey lover who actually grew up with 3 of them).

Your weekend looks like lots of fun and it was interesting to see a part of the country that appears to be the complete opposite of where I live in nearly every way.

I loved the part about the white trash Wizard of Oz. I'd like to hear your casting ideas for the other parts. Britney is clearly the perfect Dorothy.

gorillabuns said...

home of the hair bands?

i'm so there with my bottle of rave and my poison t-shirt.

BigBottomMcGee said...

I loved the comment about the midget walking a sheep on a leash! A couple of years ago, when I was visiting my ex-boyfriend in his small town, I actually saw a midget riding a bicycle twice his size. When I mentioned it to the boyfriend, he said, "oh, I know that guy. He runs a brothel a few miles outside of town." !!!

Always enjoy your posts! You make me laugh.