Dear Citizens:
We here at the WVPCAIWI want to urge you today to think before attempting any strenuous workout that may result in grievous bodily harm.
If you have led a sedentary lifestyle for greater than one week, if you have consumed carbohydrates in excess of 50% of your body weight in one day, and if you have consumed the other 50% in wine...
we implore you to think before jumping on a newly purchased piece of exercise equipment- even if it is a cool new elliptical machine that you swear makes you thinner just looking at it.
Consult with a physician before attempting warp speed on said machine as injuries that may be inflicted may include any of the following:
Inflamed toes
Herniated rectum
Dislocated hip
Fallopian bruising
Head-bobbing syndrome
Hamstring blisters
Mammary overextension
And in very rare cases some people have reported intense shame and self-loathing due to disproportionate sweating in relation to actual time spent on the equipment in question.
We here at the WVPCAIWI would like you to reconsider any delusions of grandeur you may be experiencing with the purchase of workout equipment. You will not look like a Victoria's Secret model in one week. Studies have shown that results like that take 2 weeks, minimum.
We urge you to exercise responsibly, set only mildly delusional goals, and follow a diet rich in water and egg whites for optimal results.
Your attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.
-Sweativa DeJiggleputz, Chairman, WVPCAIWI
16 comments:
omg...i can only imagine what must have prompted this post!
I support your cause wholeheartedly. How can I contribute?
Ah- not unlike your previous post... an exercise routine that does not make me angry or confused.
Loving that!
I think Rusty Nail played second base in the minor leagues before he got into the fitness business.
Fallopian brusing? That's some serious stuff. Thank goodness Sweativa has warned us all!
I'm not sure if I feel sorry for you because of the Herniated rectum or jealous because I don't have enough Mammary to overextend.
Yeah, that "mammary overextension" sounds like a killer. I don't even want to know how mammaries get overextended on an elliptical machine. ;)
Thank you for the public service announcement. Going to the ER with a herniated rectum is not something I recommend. Damn people there are supposed to be supportive and sensitive - not laugh and point.
How about lets abolish workouts all together and instead just be fabulously healthy , fit and good looking whilst sitting on our arses!
yes - exercise is dangerous. You're always safer just watching a sporting event on tv.
Crap! I'm outta town this weekend and my uptight genius co-worker is taking my Sat shift. Come next week when I'm actually working so I can see you and shower you with cheeses from around the globe and fabulous desserts!
btw, I was not aware you were part of THE Von Partypants family . . .
Oh I support that movement for sure! I'm totally against working out nekkid...too many things could go wrong with that...
Stacie
Jogging has always struck me as unnatural - I'm convinced the human ability to run is strictly intended for emergency situations like escaping a sabre-toothed tiger or catching a bus.
And if it's so healthy why do joggers always look like they are about to expire ?
Workouts Shmirkouts. I bought a tank top during my stay in Maui that has the picture of a Martini and says:
"I'd work out but I might spill my drink"
that's my motto
And in very rare cases some people have reported intense shame and self-loathing due to disproportionate sweating in relation to actual time spent on the equipment in question.
HAhahahhahaahahahahahaah!
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