Thursday, January 10, 2008

An ode to my IUD, may he rest in peace.

It happened now- two years ago,
When you and I first met.
I picked you out, gave you a name,
And hoped the finest, I would get.

At first you hurt, it felt so bad
I questioned your love for me.
That first day out, you crushed my soul
You made me crampy and weepy.

As time went on, our bond grew strong
You did your job so true.
I loved the barren, rocky wasteland
That had now replaced my womb.

Happiness, sweet blissful joy,
No menses did I have to dread.
No Tampax, no Stayfree,
Not even the scary Instead.

But your love grew fickle,
Your performance really blew.
Those fucking cramps that you gave me
Made me really hate you.

What to do, what to do?
I suppose I could take up smack.
That sure would ease the awful pain
And everyone knows "crack is wack."

I gave it some thought,
An ultrasound gave me reason.
This affair of ours has to end,
Tis' the time, tis' the season.

So with a heavy heart and a tear
I bid you adieu.
You have been ripped out of my cervix,
A little pill has replaced you.

33 comments:

H said...

I've heard IUDs give you really bad cramps, especially if you've never had kids. I guess this little poem said it all.

P.S. Hysterical.

Suze said...

Sniffle...that was just beautiful.

abbersnail said...

So touching. *tear*

McGone said...

OK, I contributed to yesterday's post about supermodels on magazine covers, but I'm going to sit this one out, thank you very much.

T Gretta's Mom said...

Does anyone remember the Dalcon Shield? Oh yeah. I think I got some money for that one, but not enough to ever compensate for the pain/anguish/etc. Being a woman sucks sometimes. But most of the time I really like it.

Whiskeymarie said...

h- You heard right.

suze & abbs- *sniffle* thank you!

McGone- You contributed by default. Ha!

tgret's mom- I actually DO remember hearing about that growing up. I think my aunt had one.
I like being a gal too, most of the time.

Gwen said...

I'm so sad for you. I, too, have one and I love not having to think about my vagina, EVER.

What was his name? I want to remember him in my prayers.

-R- said...

You are a true romantic.

Mariposa said...

I have only heard of it...and reading your post, I'm sure to stay out of it! lol

Nature Girl said...

May he rest in peace an may the pill not make you sick. Best birth control I ever got was when I got my husband neutered! (I'm just sayin')
Stacie

Flenker said...

reason #465 why I like being a guy - I have no idea what those utensils pictured are or do, and I don't have to/want to know. That duckbill-looking thing is especially scary.

diatribes and dish said...

ugh.
after reading that gorgeous little piece of poetry, i feel your pain. i now want to go home, curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth until i fall asleep.

nancypearlwannabe said...

I never even considered an IUD, but now that I know they give you terrible cramps, count me in!

T said...

Lovely.

LaLa said...

I think a chorus of 'Swing Low, Sweet Chariot' is now in order...

Amaya said...

I looked into getting one but my insurance doesn't cover removal if something goes wrong between insertion (gross) and its 2 year expiration. The thought of having something stuck in my uterus scared me out of it. Plus my doc said if my cervix had never dilated then it might be really painful.
Instead I decided to be celibate. Ha! j/k. I'm on the pill. Have been for 15 years. It does the job.

Lollie said...

Ugh, I'm eating leftover chicken for lunch and just ate around the wishbone. I need to go throw up now...

Candy said...

He'll never call. He'll never write.

Stacy said...

Noooooooooooo! I'm past my first year and hopefully will make it to my five year expiry date.

So, so very sad. RIP Mirena.

Stacey said...

Sad...so sad.

Mirena and I have never been friends. But I believe you already know that story.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Oh sweet tiny jeebus, that was priceless.

dguzman said...

Aaach, evil duck lips! Get them away from me!

Freida Bee, MD said...

That is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read, as a former iud owner. As has Stacie, I have hit the promised land (with the kids behind me) of duh duh duuuh the vasectomy.

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

I had to Google IUD. Always fascinating for a gay boy to hear about the nether regions of the female specimen.

Christa said...

on the other hand, now you can period blog.

Distributorcap said...

does this mean we need to create poetry for condoms?

Nocturnal said...

I too had to Google that, damn and I thought hockey players had it rough.

Chin up WM, take care.

Cheers

Failcooks said...

I think it's funny that your IUD is a boy :o)

Whiskeymarie said...

m- it's no accident.
;)

metalia said...

Best. Poem. Ever. Take heart--the pill isn't SO bad!

Jay said...

What a lovely tribute. I'm sorry you've parted ways, but I'm sure better days are ahead.

Butrfly Garden said...

That was excellent. Only a true writer could portray such emotion.

NotSoccer Mom said...

yeah they can give you bad cramps even if you have had kids...

lovely poem. wish i'd written an ode to mine when we parted ways.