Thursday, January 3, 2008

Breathe through your mouth kids, just breathe through your mouth...


Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize you stink like onion-swabbed grizzly bear and instead of immediately jumping into the shower with some comet cleanser, you sit and try and figure out why you stink? Like, "Hmm, when was my last shower? Or, "hey, I'm not normally a stinky girl, there surely must be some underlying medical issue causing a garlicky-sour-musty odor to emanate from my armpit region. I most certainly have defective sweat glands. I shall call the doctor this very minute."

La-de-da, maybe after I make some tea or smell my armpits again...
La-de-da.



Like, now it's Wednesday (this happened yesterday, folks) and you're placing bets on...
Oh, I don't know- Sunday?

This is what happens when I have unlimited free time, folks. I wallow in my own fetid sloth. I can't be bothered to put on pants that don't have a drawstring waist. I use my shirt as an all-day napkin.

If I win the lottery I will be referred to as "The world's richest lady-hobo" (lobo?), as the piles of cash and not having to work will distract me from little annoyances like personal hygiene. I will forever be photographed with crusty junk in my teeth and grease stains on my tattered sweatpants.


Like a delicate little flower, I am.


File under: Shit I really should just keep to myself.

15 comments:

Gwen said...

Vacation Hobos unite!

Suze said...

If you win the lottery, I will pretend not to notice the stench and be your bff. I don't know about Mr. WM though. Is he smell-challenged?

Sugar Kane said...

As a knapsack on a stick and I'm pretty sure you could start a new fad. I can picture Sienna Miller in it now.

Fran said...

Seemingly you know a little bit about my life now that I am unemployed.

The term "lobo" works well though and I plan on stealing that one.

I do think you have helped me see that the whole drawstring thing is not good for everyday use.

McGone said...

Wow, this makes me a little afraid of sending you my Pig. But you know... he'd probably love it.

Peteski said...

My cat would follow you any where, swear on my monkey.

Christa said...

the worse i smell, the more pleasure i get from it. it's like i made something. and even though it is just stink, it feels productive.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Are you still on vacation? Dang, maybe I need to be teaching cooking skillz.

Gretta said...

It's far more satisfying, once you actually DO clean up, though, isn't it? It's no fun washing hair that's basically already clean.
Enjoy your filth!

CDP said...

I like travelgretta's thought on this...Merrill Markoe once said that "cleaning is an act that should be inspired by the PRESENCE OF DIRT". Why bother showering until there's actually something to wash away?

Mommy Lisa said...

OMG! I think we must be related. Sunday I went snowmobiling and took a shower about 5pm. Then La-de-da...we have new year's eve, new year's day, I am working Tuesday out of my office and BAM it is Wednesday and I catch a whiff. Good think I work from home...too bad for the steps that they are off school. Hee hee.

dguzman said...

What is it about you beautiful women (you, Fran, Christina, The Kat) that makes you proud of your own stench!? The Kat will go a few days without the shower and without applying fresh deodorant, and when I ask about it (read: when I absolutely can't stand to be in the same room with her), she says she's doing it to let the natural oils condition her hair OR "you knew I was a dirty hippie when you married me." Gimme a break! You stink out loud! Get in the shower! Wear stronger deodorant! You're singeing my nose hairs! I'm dying!

But I still love you.

pistols at dawn said...

Part of the joy of having walls is not having to worry about anyone outside of them. Remember: you're not dirty, you're just adhering to Elizabethan standards of hygiene.

Butrfly Garden said...

peteski - that "swear on my monkey" thing is fucking hilarious.

I actually take showers every third day or so. When my hair gets greasy. Because...trying to style this mess EVERY DAMN DAY? I don't think so. I don't think I stink, though. Even if I did, The Man wouldn't have the heart to tell me. I guess if I can't smell myself, it's not that bad, right? How else do you know?????

(Please note that if I actually DO something to get dirty or sweaty, it warrants a shower, despite the "day".)

WendyB said...

LOL!
Personally, I don't sweat...I glow.