Roll up your sleeves, fix yourself an olive loaf sandwich and pop that can of Bud. It's time for a Spring fashion preview, folks.
"But it's not spring!" you say? Well step up and get on board, because in the fashion world it's already Mid-Fall 2079. Chartreuse is the new orange and human-skin accessories are hot, hot, hot!
Hey- you snooze, you lose.
I know you, much like me, are sitting there thinking, "What ever shall I wear to Imogen deStarchycorn's annual "Spring fling" bash to raise botox money for underprivileged children?"
Well that's where I come in.
Consider me your "Window to Couture", if you will. I am your "clothes whisperer".
I consider myself to be fairly on top of things, fashion-wise. I know well enough to NEVER wear my monkey-fur espadrilles with my pony-skin chaps (double fur- big no-no!!), and I learned the error of my ways that time I showed up to the post-grammys party at Applebee's (on the arm of a certain Mr. G, first name rhymes with penny- shhh!) in pasties and pantaloons. Sure I take risks, but I learn from my mistakes, and that's why I'm here to help.
Let me help you.
Our first little number is a kicky ensemble that says "I'm fashion-forward, but I still love my country enough to wear a giant american flag/knickers get-up that was made in France".
God bless America, and god bless Chanel for giving us this. I believe the house of Chanel is currently in talks to change their name to "Chanel's International house of Freedom", but no word yet as to when the official change may take place.
These next two are what I like to call "When Vince Neil bets drunk and starts a spring line". I was just discussing with my fellow fashionista, Lita Ford, how there really aren't enough pants that lace up the front anymore. And how much did we all miss the GIANT. white, high-top Reeboks with multicolored laces?
Thanks for the inspiration, boys:
Next up, nothing says "Spring!" like having a pair of fluffy testicles strapped to your shoulders!
Who says florals are distracting or unflattering? Why, this young, 5'10", 100-pound lady looks positively radiant and curvaceous in this elegant frock. I can only imagine that it would be positively stunning on the average, 5'5", 135-pound female. Look out, boys! Me-ow.
You know how some days you wake up and think, "Is it cold outside? Should I wear something furry and warm or should I wear something made up entirely of discarded wrapping paper?"
Well, you don't have to worry about making that decision anymore!
Don't worry, boys! We thought of you here too.
This says, "I'm ready for combat, but I'm gonna make sure I'm ready to party, yo" to me.
Much like y'all, I love a good jumpsuit. I think the ease of one-piece dressing coupled with the figure-flattering (and flaw hiding!) flow of the fabric just works for a gal like me.
Hell, if it's good enough for 2.2 million prisoners, well- it's good enough for me.
If you're on a budget and can't afford Anna Sui, try here. With a few modifications and a little bedazzling work, you'll have yourself a catwalk-worthy masterpiece in no time at all.
And finally, the line that seems to encapsulate the psyche of the american woman as beautifully and as poetically as any designer has ever in the history of fashion been able to:
Thank you, Comme de Garcons. Thank you.
I knew this Mentally-ill mime thing would be a hit.
Dress carefully, my little ruffled and pintucked china dolls. Dress carefully.