My fellow officers-
It's been a tough week here in the west Funyunville neighborhood. We've seen a rash of petty theft and indecent exposure, and rampant paint huffing among the neighborhood's squirrel population has caused the tree-rodent suicide rate to triple in the last three months. There have been numerous thefts of giant inflatable christmas lawn ornaments, and efforts to deter would-be theives through our recently implemented "turn crime around with giggles program" seems to be failing.
A few specific recent incidences that you should make note of:
- Several homes in the area have been broken into during daylight hours in the last few weeks while the residents were at home*. It appears that the intruders were looking for a warm place to watch "The Price is Right" and "One Life to Live". Mrs. Hildy Underwaard on Pants Avenue recently filed a complaint with our department stating that on the morning of November 28th, she entered her living room to find two middle-aged men in their underwear watching "Live with Regis and Kelly" while eating her leftover apple strusel coffee cake from her bridge party the previous morning. She startled the two suspects and they fled on foot. Our department is still investigating.
- Mrs. Shayla DeTubble on Goiter Street was the victim of a physical assault by an unknown male.** She was in front of her home on the evening of November 29th removing a box of scarves from her interpretive dance recital from the trunk of her car. The suspect approached in a late-model Yugo and attemped to abduct Mrs. DeTubble. The victim screamed in the manner of the tribeswomen of the Gobi Desert, which is apparently loud enough to be heard for blocks. Several neighbors called 911 and the suspect fled. He was later questioned during a routine traffic stop where he had stopped in the middle of an intersection to do a one-man "Chinese fire drill". He was released pending further investigation.
- The garage of one Ms. Whiskeymarie vonPartypants appears to have been marked for future theft.*** Ms. Partypants, who appeared slightly intoxicated and very scantily dressed when officers responded to her early morning call stated that there were footprints in the freshly fallen snow to her garage, and the perpetrator seems to have been searching for something in the run-down, one-car structure. When asked if there was anything of value in the garage she replied that there were 2 nonfunctioning air conditioners, one nonfunctioning exercise bicycle, a large pile of merchandise destined for a hypothetical garage sale, two old-school rotary lawn mowers, 346 empty cardboard boxes, the McBunchyundie family of leprechauns, a broken microwave and a 6' pile of styrofoam. Ms. Partypants filed a report and made unwanted sexual advances towards the on-scene officer, Sargeant Lerrio Terriolo. Sgt. Terriolo filed a complaint against Ms. Partypants, and pending a forthcoming hearing she will be listed on the national registry of sexual predators. Officers in the area will keep an eye on the garage.
As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, this recent upsurge in crime needs to be taken seriously. We cannot live in a society where criminals make the rules. I am implementing a proactive, aggressive neighborhood watch system effective immediately. This program allows citizens to beat would-be theives and predators into submission with the inanimate object of their choice while waiting for the police to arrive, without fear of reprimand. We feel that this will be an effective deterrent against this sort of crime and I eagerly await your feedback when I return from my 2-week vacation in Amsterdam.
Lt. Heimie Heinerschmidt
*This has been happening a lot lately in St. Paul lately, and not just in my blue-collar neighborhood. For real. This is scary.
**Names and a few details have been changed, but this seriously happened the other day to my neighbor directly across the street. The guy tried to assault/abduct her, the cops had him pulled over for questioning, and then they LET HIM GO. Awesome.
***Yesterday, after work the Mr. informed me that someone had been in our crappy garage. Seriously, I'm sure there are other, better garages to steal from. You know, ones that have stuff in them that is actually worth more than $5. Total.
My neighborhood is going to the dogs, and then I had a very vivid dream last night that a little Latino man was in my bedroom staring at me when I woke up. In my dream I was startled, fell off my bed and was stuck between the bed and the wall, entirely at little Enrico's mercy. He said he was there to hurt me. Yikes. Bad Enrico, bad!Fucking criminals.