Welcome to our facility. If you don't mind removing your shoes that would be great. Oh no! I'm sorry- I don't think they're dirty or anything, so much...it's just that we have carpeting and stuff. Oh, nevermind. Forget it. You don't have to take them off if you don't want to. We just got the carpet cleaned, but I suppose we can get it done again...
You're going to take them off? Great! Here- put on these paper booties and we can go ahead and get started.
Welcome to MNPARF, or the Minnesota Passive-Aggressive Research Facility, an award winning program designed to develop, market, refine, engineer advancements and train "team leaders" on the finer points of Passive-aggressive behavior, so that they may go out and spread the knowledge and shame far across the land.
MNPARF has existed since 1875, when our founder Sven Gaardmurkenvaarkun started a retreat for area mothers to come, relax, and just spend a few days learning new methods for making their children feel bad about not doing enough chores around the farm. These mothers learned how to utilize newly patented phrases like "If you feel like it", "Only if you want to" and "that's okay, I'll just do it. No big deal".
Around 1917, just after Mr. Gaardmurkenvaarkun's death from syphilis, the facility expanded into three separate locations: The Twin Cities area chapter, the Iron Range chapter, and a satellite chapter in rural central Minnesota. This "three point system" allowed us to reach more people than ever before. Now husbands and wives as far away as Gilbert could learn how to muddy the waters of their relationship through mixed signals and disappointment.
Directly asking for what you wanted was now a thing of the past! Instead, we trained individuals to dance around touchy subjects in an effort to not only NOT get what it is they wanted in the first place, but to also make the other individuals involved feel confused and uncomfortable.
After the mid-1940's we experienced a tremendous amount of growth, and in 1968 we moved our headquarters into the facility you are standing in right now. Our most recent membership drive brought our total enrollment to just under 4.9 million. We are happy with these numbers, but wish they were a little higher. Well, wish might be a strong word. Maybe if our team leaders work a little harder next year and maybe if they had brought in new caterers...
Oh, nevermind! They're doing an awesome job! Maybe next year it will be even more awesome, don't you think? Not that it isn't awesome now, don't get me wrong- I love my job.
Um, moving on...
Some of you may have heard of a terrible subversive movement to combat MNPARF called VPPKPAFO, or the VonPartypants Program for Kicking Passive-Aggressiveness the Fuck Out. I hear their membership is rising, and we need to hold true to our beliefs. We cannot let AA (or, aggressive-aggressiveness) overtake PA! We must discuss it quietly in huddled groups in our offices, only to stop talking and smile at you when you walk by because we wouldn't want you to think we were talking about you, even though we usually are. Here, let me compliment that tacky sweater you're wearing just to go the extra mile.
In a bold move, we have resorted to the most PA of all PA tactics, one that we normally reserve for only the most heinous of offenses:
We have started leaving carefully-worded, yet stern notes written on post-its on the front door of their leader's home. Extreme? Indeed. But history has shown us that it is always better to express your wishes and needs through polite, yet slightly bitchy notes left when that person isn't around to discuss the matter face-to-face. While data on the actual effectiveness of this tactic is somewhat fuzzy, we stand by our decision.
They know what we mean. I'm sure they can tell that we're really, really mad this time. But we are not animals. We signed the notes with little smiley faces to show that, while we mean business, we don't want you to hate us, o.k?
What's that? Oh, my assistant just handed me an update, folks. It seems that someone from VPPKPAFO has sent us a fruit basket. Oh, how nice. Let's read the card, shall we?
Go fuck yourselves.
If we see you in a dark alley we will kick your ass.
We hope you choke on the apples."
Well folks, it's gonna be a long one. Go home and polish your note-writing skills, sharpen your underhanded compliments and practice your "pretending not to care even though you really do" face and come back next week ready to fight. Well, maybe not fight. Maybe just a quick game of "feigning indifference".
Hey! I know! I heard that they're allergic to peanuts! Let's give them a Snicker's bar.
That'll show them who's boss.