(And a big Fuck-you to Blogger here for randomly changing the size of the font and making it impossible to fix, even though I've tried like 8 times. Sorry if it's hard to read...)
When money starts raining from the sky like snow in a Duluth winter, do we just ignore the money? Do we pretend it isn't there? Do we deny ourselves the opportunity to go out and buy stuff and roll around naked in piles of the bills?
So when life drops a gift-themed meme in your lap during the holidays, you scoop it up in your arms and snuggle it in like a brand new puppy. You whisper sexy sweet little sweet-nuthins' to it. You get a tattoo of it on your right badonkadonk cheek.
And when the one tossing that meme to you the way she does (so sweet of her to wrap it up in bubble wrap for my comfort) is Franiam (No, you're not fran, she am), then you hold it that much closer and clean that schmutz off of its face with a kleenex and some spit.
This meme is your own flesh and blood.
(I really shouldn't build this up so much...)
Tagged by Fran to give you my 5 favorite gifts! With Pictures!!*
*(I actually have more than five. Feel free to write me a letter that appropriately expresses your disappointment in me and my inability to limit myself. Feel free to send me whatever literature on the subject you so desire. Feel free to understand that I may take your letter and your literature and poop on it.) (Also, I have not just limited this to christmas gifts. Trust me, you'll get over it.)
#1) This really is my number-one all time best gift. I will keep this until the day I die. I had thought that I lost this once and I was just sick thinking that it was gone.
My dear, departed Mom made me this blanket about 2 years before she died. She loved to knit and crochet, and she wanted to make me a blanket. She let me pick the colors.
I love this blanket.
It's huge and the red & white make me especially happy this time of year.
#2) This gift was given to me when I turned sixteen from my Mom & dad. It was all I wanted and I wanted it BAD.
My badass biker jacket.
I had just returned from a band trip to Florida (yup, real badass here) and my birthday had been, I think, either the day before we came back or the day of our return. Either way, I expected something big to be waiting. I thought, "It's my sixteenth! Surely there will be a parade, or at least Jake Ryan will be waiting for me in his shiny red car ready to whisk me away to my birthday cake that we'll eat on top of his parents glass-topped dining room table..."
But, in actuality I was greeted with bupkis.
My parents had a family thing planned for a week or so later, and they told me that yes, I was getting the leather biker jacket I so desperately wanted, but that they hadn't yet purchased said jacket as they thought I should try it on & pick it out myself.
The bastards! How dare they be so thoughtful??
But all my moody newly sixteen year-old ass could do was mope and whine that everyone "forgot" my birthday.
I still have the jacket. It endured a lot with me. At one time it had various punk-rock things painted all over it and had spikes in the shoulders & lapels, but I've cleaned her up a bit since then. I never wear it anymore, but I'll never get rid of it. We were fresh new friends when I lost my virginity, we smoked our first cigarette together in the Duluth skyways, it kept me warm hanging outside of "Faces" (anyone remember "Faces"? The all-ages "nightclub" underneath where Plaza IGA was/is?), it protected me at many First-Avenue shows...
I still love my badass jacket.
#3) This bracelet was given to me by my kindergarten boyfriend, Marc. I am pretty sure that he stole it from his mom. How I've held on to this all these years is beyond me. I just think that it was a sweet gesture, in the way that receiving stolen goods is "sweet". I still even wear it occasionally.
Marc also tried to give me a stolen class ring once, but Ms. Mattson, my teacher, took it so she could figure out who it belonged to. Marc never gave me anything after that.
Damn Ms. Mattson- way to take away my sugar daddy, bee-yotch.
#4) Number four, parts A and B, come courtesy of Mr. Whiskeymarie. This past year he outdid himself, gift-wise.
We never have really exchanged "big" gifts, either for birthdays of christmas. In the early years this was mostly because we rarely had extra $ to buy fancy toilet paper and non-generic Doritos, let alone frivolous purchases like presents. We exchanged cute & affectionate- but inexpensive- gifts.
Later on, it just seemed weird to buy each other anything big as we tended to both just buy the stuff we wanted whenever we wanted/whenever finances allowed.
But, this year he gave me these fab earrings for our anniversary. For someone who is scared to try and buy for me- the woman who has more jewelery than Britney has crazy- jewelery, he sure did a great job.
And he bought me a laptop. Where I am sitting right now, getting angry at my screen saver monkey. I hate it when he talks back to me.
That Mr, he sure knows how to treat a lady. That, or he sure knows what to do to get his crazy bitch of a wife off of his pimped out computer so she doesn't accidentally spill vodka on it.
#5) Finally, two gifts from two of the most amazing broads on the planet, my girls Waffle and Blondie.
Blondie gave me this perfume for my birthday this past year. It was REALLY expensive to buy and I never would have done it for myself. She is thoughtful beyond words and I am grateful every day that I have a friend like her. She helps me smell good and she brings me junk food, in post-blizzard snow, when I am hung over.
She is a saint.
And this smells amazing- like sexy roses. It makes me feel warm and lovely. I love it.
Waffle gave me this ring when I was sixteen. We regularly exchange fantastically marvelous jewelery as gifts, and have for years, but for some reason this is the ring I wear all the time. Pretty much almost every day. I've been wearing it for 20 years now, nine years longer than my marriage.
If I wear my rings from my Mr. on my left hand, and my ring from her on my right, does this make her my wife?
Hope not, 'cause that bitch CANNOT cook to save her life.
But she's cute, so...maybe?
Plus! A bonus!
#6-ish) My dad, whom some of you know I have a "challenging" relationship with, gave me a big box of pictures & stuff last time I saw him. It has TONS of my kid pictures, a pile of cards from my birthdays and christmas, my baby teeth and my mom's watch. Even though he should have done this a long time ago, I'll give him a bit of credit. This was a good gift.
Don't worry- I'll show you some of the pictures. There are some real doozies in there.
There you go! One meme down, one to go (tomorrow or Sunday, I promise!)
Happy Friday, my plump little bourbon-soaked prunes on ex-lax flavored ice cream.