Today is an ugly April day- cold, gray, windy, icy & snowy. I suppose this means my outdoor interpretive dance lesson tomorrow will be canceled. Then I'll have to cancel my recital...well, then everything just goes to shit.
But, I digress.
This sort of weather makes both my lovely lady car & her lovely lady owner cranky. I sulk by means of shaking my fist at the angry sky and shouting, "you damn dirty snow!!!" in the staff parking lot. My car, well she sulks by freezing up- literally.
After the long, LONG walk from the office to our faculty lot (it is seriously about 3 city blocks), I gingerly approached my car, hoping to hell I wouldn't slip, fall & get abducted by one of the more frightening Dahmer-esque males in our building. Waking up in a double-wide, naked, tied up, with my head shaved & a ball gag in my mouth seems like fun for all, but somebody's feelings are going to get hurt here, folks.
No, my mechanical car-bitch loves to make a grim situation worse, so of course both of her locks are frozen. Solid. Key won't move one bit. And to answer your question- no, I do not have one of those cars with the "tweep-tweep" locks activated by some hidden button on my $90 keychain.
I just have a key. And locks. Well, frozen locks.
And, being that it's April, me with no lock de-icer.
I had to make a decision- go inside, walk the 3 blocks (yes, I'm aware that isn't THAT far, but hey, I was pooped), find something or someone to help, trudge back out, then wait for whatever or whomever to figure it out while I stand there & freeze my balls off (yes, I forgot to tell you- the movie 300 was so testosterone-fueled that I grew a pair- go figure)... Or figure this out- NOW.
I, being an impatient sort, chose the NOW option.
Thinking, for a minute, I ran over the options in my mind:
1) kick the door- real hard
2) Talk dirty to my shiny red gal & hope she's in the mood
3) Do what, really, is my only option...
Pucker up & blow.
So, having no shame whatsoever, that's exactly what I did.
I halfway checked to see who might be watching/photographing this odd moment, then crouched down, puckered up, liplocked my car & blew real hard.
Really sad part is, this took three tries. I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere in the parking lot saw this freakshow in action.
My car tastes like dirt- I guess that's to be expected.
I have officially made out with my car- I hope the bitch liked it. No tongue though, 'cause I'm a lady.
Although, technically I gave my car a blow job.
This changes everything...
I still want your food posts- what did YOU have for dinner last night? Hmmm?
Tell me your dirty little food secrets, my sparkly meat-puppets.