Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Does this make me a lesbian?

Today is an ugly April day- cold, gray, windy, icy & snowy. I suppose this means my outdoor interpretive dance lesson tomorrow will be canceled. Then I'll have to cancel my recital...well, then everything just goes to shit.

But, I digress.

This sort of weather makes both my lovely lady car & her lovely lady owner cranky. I sulk by means of shaking my fist at the angry sky and shouting, "you damn dirty snow!!!" in the staff parking lot. My car, well she sulks by freezing up- literally.
After the long, LONG walk from the office to our faculty lot (it is seriously about 3 city blocks), I gingerly approached my car, hoping to hell I wouldn't slip, fall & get abducted by one of the more frightening Dahmer-esque males in our building. Waking up in a double-wide, naked, tied up, with my head shaved & a ball gag in my mouth seems like fun for all, but somebody's feelings are going to get hurt here, folks.

No, my mechanical car-bitch loves to make a grim situation worse, so of course both of her locks are frozen. Solid. Key won't move one bit. And to answer your question- no, I do not have one of those cars with the "tweep-tweep" locks activated by some hidden button on my $90 keychain.
I just have a key. And locks. Well, frozen locks.

And, being that it's April, me with no lock de-icer.

I had to make a decision- go inside, walk the 3 blocks (yes, I'm aware that isn't THAT far, but hey, I was pooped), find something or someone to help, trudge back out, then wait for whatever or whomever to figure it out while I stand there & freeze my balls off (yes, I forgot to tell you- the movie 300 was so testosterone-fueled that I grew a pair- go figure)... Or figure this out- NOW.

I, being an impatient sort, chose the NOW option.

Thinking, for a minute, I ran over the options in my mind:
1) kick the door- real hard
2) Talk dirty to my shiny red gal & hope she's in the mood
3) Do what, really, is my only option...

Pucker up & blow.

So, having no shame whatsoever, that's exactly what I did.

I halfway checked to see who might be watching/photographing this odd moment, then crouched down, puckered up, liplocked my car & blew real hard.

Really sad part is, this took three tries. I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere in the parking lot saw this freakshow in action.

My car tastes like dirt- I guess that's to be expected.

I have officially made out with my car- I hope the bitch liked it. No tongue though, 'cause I'm a lady.

Although, technically I gave my car a blow job.

This changes everything...


I still want your food posts- what did YOU have for dinner last night? Hmmm?
Tell me your dirty little food secrets, my sparkly meat-puppets.


Kate said...

Greek salad with chicken last night, and leftover turkey chili (for the 3rd day in a row) with a bean tostada the night before. Whooo!

I vowed that I wouldn't complain about the weater, but holy mary, does it ever suck. I will totally go back to 90 degrees with heat rash over this business.

T said...

Last night I made that proto-lasagna with cottage instead of ricotta, soy burger and no noodles. It was good. HH is so easy to feed. He doesn't ever complain about not getting "man-food," unlike some of the men I've been with. Of course, he really isn't all that manly.

I really, really want to melt some white chocolate and dip Newman's Own brand Oreos in it.

Whiskeymarie said...

I don't understand-lasagna with no noodles? Such a thing exists?

Things are spinning...getting dizzy...all is not right with the world...what strange alternate universe is this?

No really- no noodles? Next you're going to tell me you didn't use mozzarella.

Actually, I get it. I have made some very "odd", yet still good concoctions in the name of "healthy". But seriously- not even the whole-wheat ones???

Just eat the damn cookies. They're good for your soul- and that's way more important than your abs.

Kate said...

"Proto-lasagna"? Wouldn't lasagna without noodles be mock-lasagna? Or a lasagna-esque casserole? From a foodie standpoint, the noodles give a pasta dish a name. Spaghetti w/o noodles is really just bland chili without beans.

I digress.

SOY BURGER? Where do you find this stuff, Tara? And does it have a beef-like texture?

Are the Newman's Own cookies pseudo-organic like the rest of his stuff? I'm intrigued.

T said...

Newman's Own cookies are organic, and trans-fat free, but they aren't "health" food, as they're still highly caloric. And DELICIOUS. You MUST try them. The Ginger-O ones, too. Mmmm.

For the proto-quasi-mock lasagna, I layer stuff into a round cake pan, beginning with the cottage cheese, some fresh veggies (onion, tomato, green pepper), the soy burger, sauce, and mozzarella cheese. It really does taste, surprisingly, just like lasagna. For a delightful pedestrian touch, mix up a little Bisquick and pour it over the top to form a sort of crust.

Ground soy burger can be found by the rest of the Gardenbuger/Boca burger stuff in most grocery stores. (I love the Co-op but can rarely afford to shop there.) It's pretty good, a little rubbery compared to meat, and earthier, of course. But I don't miss the meat when I use it.

It is, however, soy, and can cause some intestinal issues. Do NOT use it in chili. I repeat. DO NOT USE IT IN CHILI. The results are disastrous.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

wow. i don't even want to tell you health nuts what i had for dinner last night. but i will tell you this much...it invloved a visit to KFC. i am personally not a big fan, but hey...gotta give in to the bf once in a while.

Whiskeymarie said...

If it helps, I ate a huge, crappy piece of pizza at work for lunch yesterday, and I was doing o.k. last night until I snarfed down about 2# of pita chips and hummus (sounds healthy, but it really isn't) when I got home. I tend to eat REALLY healthy for a few days, then let it all go by having something like a reuben with fries.
Don't feel bad.
We all eat shit occasionally.

Failcooks said...

I've eaten two boxes of macaroni & cheese in as many days, a giant vat of guacamole, and blue cheese mashed potatoes. Yep, I'm going back to Mexico, and yep, I'm going to subject that poor country to my midwestern gal physique. They'll get over it. They did once. I think.

Kate said...

I'm with Mecca. Screw the soy burger. I want the bleu cheese mashies. And the guac. Sweet sweet guac.

Whiskeymarie said...

Oh boy, now I want me some mac & chz.

I think I'll make a batch of my most amazing homemade bacon & roasted tomato cheesyness this weekend, being that it's cold & crappy out.

I'm calling it my "carbo-cheesalicious diet".