Monday, April 9, 2007

Her name is Rio and she can't hear you

I have tinnitus. Not the self-diagnosed "Wow! that Metallica show ROCKED!" kind, but the doctor-gives-you-lots-of-tests-that-you-fail kind.

And it sucks.

And I blame it all on Duran Duran.

To explain:

In 1984, wearing pink tapered pants, a Duran Duran t-shirt, a pink bandanna knotted jauntily around my neck and (I think) my short, white, rhinestone studded boots, I attended my first big concert- Duran Duran- DD, for short. I loved Roger, My sis Snowshoe loved Nick, and my BF Tallgirl loved John. No one wanted Simon or Andy, poor guys.

My mom drove us down (I was 13, Tallgirl 14, sis 15) to St. Paul for the big event, bless her heart. She dropped us off at the old Civic Center & we had the best 3 hours of screaming "I love you _________"(take your pick of the guys). I think we all cried a little at one point or another. All I know is I'M SURE Roger looked right at me- he could feel my love from 97 rows back- we had a connection. To this day, I still get goosebumps when I hear "The Reflex", I was so moved by the show, being 13 years old & all.

Fast-forward 21 years.

April, 2005: I attend what will be my last "big" show (drumroll, please)....

Duran Duran.

This time, having more money and the burning desire to see my boys close up- row 9, center.

God, those boys have aged well. I think I am more deeply committed to our relationship than ever before, now that our love has had time to "mature". I started wondering if I was too old to play the groupie role & try to get backstage or if I should give it a go. My Mr. and I have a clause in our marriage that allows fornication with celebrities, as long as it's not Tommy Lee or Lindsay Lohan. We wouldn't want to catch anything icky, you know.

While I was contemplating my chances as a groupie and the lovely children Simon & I would have (with age comes choices- now I choose Simon. Sorry Roger. You're cute & all still, but you're no Simon), I started wondering about some things I never really considered before:

Am I too close to the speakers? Why do my ears hurt? Why are everyone's lips moving but all I can hear is what sounds like whales bellering underwater? Should I be worried?

Next day, I still had the strange underwater thingy going on, but I figured it would be a passing thing, like beer diarrea or stirrup pants.

Two years later, the ringing is still there.

My 21 years of sometimes 3 times a week at 1st Ave. for shows (in the heyday of my 20's), plus my love of singing in my car with the music REAL LOUD (is there any other way to listen to Air Supply? I think not.) has finally taken it's toll. I really never thought I would do permanent damage- dumbass that I am. But the damage is real, and it's forever.

I know everyone thinks they have tinnitus, but the real stuff is bigger, ickier and won't ever go away. There's nothing I can do about it. Well, except avoid caffiene, alcohol and advil.

Like that's going to happen.

I'm pretty used to it now, but when there is any sort of backround noise I would do better playing charades to figure out what people are saying to me. It's embarrassing sometimes.


Simon Le Bon: "Hi sexy! Will you be my concubine?"

Me: "What?"

Simon: "I said Hi! Will you be my concubine? You know, love slave?"

Me: "What? I didn't hear you, sorry."

Simon: "I think you're amazing and I would give my left testes to have my way with you."

Me: "Sorry. One more time?"

Simon: "You! Me! Sex! And shopping! I love you!"

Me: (shaking head) "Sorry. I didn't get that."

Simon: "Forget it. I'll just ask Kylie Minogue." (walks away, confused and rejected.)

Duran Duran. I love you and I curse you. I'll forgive you for my hearing loss if you let me be your groupie. I'll make breakfast every day. Bangers and Mash, or whatever it is you blokes eat.

Hopefully I'll hear my phone when you call...


ps said...

oh babydoll. i have tinnitus as well, caused be years and years of allergy related ear-nose-throat problems. it's only really bad when you go to bed -- everything is quiet except the ringing. i feel you, sweets.

Brillig said...

Hi. Someone sent me the link to your blog because she just knew we'd be great friends. I too have a 25 year long love affair with the boys of Duran Duran. Hahaha. I'm still all twittery and star struck, and terribly jealous that you got to see them (though, alas, not HEAR them) so recently.

Anyway, just had to let you know that I'm a new fan of yours now. Your site's hilarious.

Whiskeymarie said...

Thanks, you sweet thing.
I was reading your blog- you're pretty dang funny yourself.
And your kids are stinkin' cute.

I love the internet and all the new friends it brings. Without it I would only have my beanie babies to share my thoughts with. :)

feisty said...

one of my biggest fears: losing (or weakening) the ability to hear.

dang. i guess turn down your car radio for now, and protect what ya got.

Although some stuff is meant to be played loud, and Duran is one of 'em. i love signing along and echoing in my favorite song by them....."wild boys....(pause)....WILD BOYS (scream)"

S said... Oooooh yeah!!