So in my continuing effort to karmically right myself with the world, another installment...
An open apology to those that I have been less than wonderful to in the past while I was busy trying to make myself ruler of all that is excellent:
#7) To Lil' Ms. Monahan, my best friend throughout grade school:
I'm sorry we fought over the Xanadu album and who got to be Olivia when we acted out the movie. Though, to my credit, you took advantage of the fact that I was really tall by saying that I had to be the boy. All the time. Plus, your roller skates were too small for me and I didn't have my own- you had an unfair advantage. Things were never really the same with us after that contentious summer. I started looking for new friends that were large & geeky, like me. I befriended Waffle and the other girl who shared my name & never looked back. Then you moved away and I never saw you again.
I've got my OWN roller skates & Xanadu album now- so there. Who's Olivia now? Huh?
#8) To Crew-cut, my boyfriend when I was 17-18 years old:
Sorry I was already such a tiger in the sack when I took your virginity. I ruined you for other women and you never really seemed "right" after I dumped you. I truly hope you aren't a serial-flasher now.
#9) To my Dad & (belatedly) my Mom:
I'm sorry we smashed the car into that pile of railroad ties when we were trying to find somewhere secluded to drink our warm, cheap rum before the Rocky Horror Picture Show back in '88. We only realized after the fact that it was MY HEAD that made the windshield look like that. We went to the movie anyways, had a good time, then told you that the windshield looked like that when we came out. You obviously didn't notice the Lysol smell from us trying to clean up the boozy mess, or the large lump on my forehead. Thank you for not grounding us for life and sending us to a private Catholic school.
Oh, and I'm sorry for accidentally throwing the same car into reverse while on the freeway going 55 mph. The car really wasn't the same after that & died about 6 months later. I'm pretty sure I caused it's untimely demise.
#10) To Queen, one of my more "cliquey" friends in junior high school:
I'm sorry I took so much pleasure in how bad you looked at the last reunion. If you hadn't been such a bitch in high school I may have overlooked your 80's jumpsuit, gladiator-style sandals and feathered hair as "retro", not "sad".
#11) To Mr. Hot Loser that I "dated" for a while in college:
I really just wanted to date you because you looked like a J.Crew model and I wanted to have sex with you. We really only went on that one date where I spilled my drink in your lap and that was it, other than booty calls. I used you for sex & didn't realize that you really liked me. Then when I did find this out, a few years later when I was already married, I kind of rubbed your nose in it.
#12) To Nine West, where I worked part-time for about 6 months in '91 or '92:
Sorry I was such a crappy employee. I really just took the job because I wanted your sweet 40% discount for a little while. I never really cared if I sold anything or not. Once I amassed a nice little collection, I was done with you.
Ditto "Fifth Street Bootery". I just wanted a discount on that wicked awesome leopard & leather purse I coveted in your window for a month before I just bit the bullet & worked for your very weird store. You all were kind of freaks, just for the record. I still have the purse and can't believe how fugly it is and that, even with my discount I still paid $95 1991 dollars for it:
I'm really sorry I wasted both my time and yours for this ugliness.
#13) To Gustav, my on & off boyfriend for 2 years in the early 90's. I really shouldn't tell people about your third nipple, your 2" penis, that weird lump thing on your back or how you did very little in the last few months of our relationship except play Nintendo... naked.
But, to my credit, you probably shouldn't have cheated on me.
I tell people about your freakishness all the time, still. Can't help it.
Whew, another load off.
This feels good! Stay tuned for future installments.