An update on the state of my underpants, among other things.

Thanks to Seattle John, I was reading through my archives yesterday and realized that I am really slacking here. If this were a performance review, I'd be getting the "you're just not applying yourself" and "If you didn't drink so much on the job maybe you'd be better at it" speeches from Bob Grumblewort, the Assistant Supervisory Supervisor for Worldly Interesting Posting Eyeballing, or as I like to call him- ASSWIPE. He would demote me to proofreading Cat Blogs and my pay would be reduced from "nothing" to "you owe us one bag of skittles, two pairs of only slightly worn underpants, and we reserve the right to harvest your organs at any time". They'd take away my parking priveleges and make me roller-skate to work on gravel roads.

So, I guess I owe you an explanation of why I've been m.i.a.- not because you care or anything, but because I saw a picture of myself on the side of a milk carton today and I figure I should come forth with the information as to my whereabouts and claim the reward. On a side note, to whomever gave them the picture of me wearing the bottom half of a suit of armor and a tube top while getting a foot massage from those siamese midgets- the least you could have done was airbrush the pic so I didn't look so "blotchy." You know that I don't photograph well in bright sunlight.

So you all know we adopted a 2 year-old boy. The adoption agency told us he was a little "doggy", which really- is that necessary? Just because he's a little hairy, smells like kibble and likes to poo outside is no reason to call people names.

While I love him more than I love my own ovaries, this has proven to be a time-consuming endeavor. In-between trips outside to pee on fire hydrants, playing with fuzzy toys and licking butts, I've had to find time to take care of the dog too.

Things I've learned so far:

• Cats aren't crazy about dogs.
• Boy dogs aren't always crazy about human boys (Bubs is shy and apprehensive around the Mister- I think he can sense another wiener in the room and it confuses him)
  
• Baby gates are useful things when you first get a dog, a fact that we didn't figure out until two days in and two very pissed off felines later.
  
• My cats will forgive me eventually.
• The look of pure joy that Bubs gets on his face when he looks up at me makes my cold hard heart melt a little every time.
  
• Bubs snores, talks in his sleep, and farts a lot.
  

Also on the list of "why I haven't had time to take pictures of myself wearing sad/funny/scary stuff":

• My older sister from CA was in town- wine was guzzled, hangovers were had, chippy things were consumed, and cackling/giggling abounded. She just turned 40, a fact that I find more horrifying than my own turning 38. One minute we were fighting over which member of Duran Duran was "ours" and who used the last of the Aqua Net on our big-assed hair, the next minute we're going gray, complaining about our various aches and pains, and choosing shoes for "comfort" rather than "awesomeness".
  
• My younger sister moved back from India, where she has been living for a few years. She came back plus new tattoos and great silk clothes, but minus one husband. I think this was a good trade-off.
  
• I spend about 3-4 hours each day apologizing to the cats and providing much-needed therapy for them. After some intensive work, I have learned that Pooter has Daddy issues, and Troubleman often has dreams where he is sitting in algebra class naked.
• I've been riding my bike, Dirk, a lot these days. We are in the "Pre-hotter than Satan's taint" phase of late spring/early summer, so I need to get outside while I still can.
• I've been cooking/been in the kitchen a lot. A few examples:
  

Butter lettuce salad with cider vinaigrette, red onion, fresh thyme, apples & aged cheddar

Spicy sesame-soy wild-caught salmon on braised kale and scallion quinoa with melty onions


More rhubarb cocktails- rhubarb mojitos!

• Also (in no particular order): A little work, gardening, collecting hairballs around the house for my wig project, reading, sleeping, drinking wine, shopping, daydreaming about Clive Owen, getting hot & bothered, shopping some more, making cookies, staring at my toes, ignoring piles of stuff around the house, occasionally bathing, experimenting with over-the-counter antihistimines in the alley, collecting used kleenexes, plucking stray hairs and getting lost in the internets.
  

I promise I won't leave y'all alone like this again without a babysitter- don't think I haven't noticed that the liquor cabinet is empty and the neighbors aren't speaking to me. You're grounded! Or I am. I'm confused. Whatever.

Happy Wednesday (it is Wednesday, right?), my minty-fresh, rhubarb-scented dog turds. Happy Wednesday.

XO