Wednesday, May 27, 2009

An update on the state of my underpants, among other things.

Thanks to Seattle John, I was reading through my archives yesterday and realized that I am really slacking here. If this were a performance review, I'd be getting the "you're just not applying yourself" and "If you didn't drink so much on the job maybe you'd be better at it" speeches from Bob Grumblewort, the Assistant Supervisory Supervisor for Worldly Interesting Posting Eyeballing, or as I like to call him- ASSWIPE. He would demote me to proofreading Cat Blogs and my pay would be reduced from "nothing" to "you owe us one bag of skittles, two pairs of only slightly worn underpants, and we reserve the right to harvest your organs at any time". They'd take away my parking priveleges and make me roller-skate to work on gravel roads.

So, I guess I owe you an explanation of why I've been m.i.a.- not because you care or anything, but because I saw a picture of myself on the side of a milk carton today and I figure I should come forth with the information as to my whereabouts and claim the reward. On a side note, to whomever gave them the picture of me wearing the bottom half of a suit of armor and a tube top while getting a foot massage from those siamese midgets- the least you could have done was airbrush the pic so I didn't look so "blotchy." You know that I don't photograph well in bright sunlight.

So you all know we adopted a 2 year-old boy. The adoption agency told us he was a little "doggy", which really- is that necessary? Just because he's a little hairy, smells like kibble and likes to poo outside is no reason to call people names.

While I love him more than I love my own ovaries, this has proven to be a time-consuming endeavor. In-between trips outside to pee on fire hydrants, playing with fuzzy toys and licking butts, I've had to find time to take care of the dog too.

Things I've learned so far:
  • Cats aren't crazy about dogs.
  • Boy dogs aren't always crazy about human boys (Bubs is shy and apprehensive around the Mister- I think he can sense another wiener in the room and it confuses him)
  • Baby gates are useful things when you first get a dog, a fact that we didn't figure out until two days in and two very pissed off felines later.
  • My cats will forgive me eventually.
  • The look of pure joy that Bubs gets on his face when he looks up at me makes my cold hard heart melt a little every time.
  • Bubs snores, talks in his sleep, and farts a lot.
Also on the list of "why I haven't had time to take pictures of myself wearing sad/funny/scary stuff":
  • My older sister from CA was in town- wine was guzzled, hangovers were had, chippy things were consumed, and cackling/giggling abounded. She just turned 40, a fact that I find more horrifying than my own turning 38. One minute we were fighting over which member of Duran Duran was "ours" and who used the last of the Aqua Net on our big-assed hair, the next minute we're going gray, complaining about our various aches and pains, and choosing shoes for "comfort" rather than "awesomeness".
  • My younger sister moved back from India, where she has been living for a few years. She came back plus new tattoos and great silk clothes, but minus one husband. I think this was a good trade-off.
  • I spend about 3-4 hours each day apologizing to the cats and providing much-needed therapy for them. After some intensive work, I have learned that Pooter has Daddy issues, and Troubleman often has dreams where he is sitting in algebra class naked.
  • I've been riding my bike, Dirk, a lot these days. We are in the "Pre-hotter than Satan's taint" phase of late spring/early summer, so I need to get outside while I still can.
  • I've been cooking/been in the kitchen a lot. A few examples:
Butter lettuce salad with cider vinaigrette, red onion, fresh thyme, apples & aged cheddar


Spicy sesame-soy wild-caught salmon on braised kale and scallion quinoa with melty onions


More rhubarb cocktails- rhubarb mojitos!

  • Also (in no particular order): A little work, gardening, collecting hairballs around the house for my wig project, reading, sleeping, drinking wine, shopping, daydreaming about Clive Owen, getting hot & bothered, shopping some more, making cookies, staring at my toes, ignoring piles of stuff around the house, occasionally bathing, experimenting with over-the-counter antihistimines in the alley, collecting used kleenexes, plucking stray hairs and getting lost in the internets.
I promise I won't leave y'all alone like this again without a babysitter- don't think I haven't noticed that the liquor cabinet is empty and the neighbors aren't speaking to me. You're grounded! Or I am. I'm confused. Whatever.

Happy Wednesday (it is Wednesday, right?), my minty-fresh, rhubarb-scented dog turds. Happy Wednesday.

XO

29 comments:

Some Guy said...

I'd say you've redeemed yourself with this action-packed post. I'd still like you to proofread my cat blog if you don't mind.

Bubs said...

"Bubs snores, talks in his sleep, and farts a lot."

Listen, no one likes a snitch.

CDP said...

OK, you're off probation, as long as the food pictures continue to be forthcoming. Congratulations on the adoption!

Jon said...

"Slacking" really is a relative term you know.

Very cute dog though. Congrats!

180|360 said...

The salad and Mojito look delish! Unfortunately, I don't eat fish.

Student/Teacher said...

My female dog had issues with my husband for a while, and still sometimes slinks around him, especially if he is upset about anything, even if its just football. The explanation we have is that she is a rescue and was once abused by a man. Does Bubs have a similar history?

Gwen said...

That is great news about your baby sister! Yay!

Sorry about the liquor cabinet. Some Guy made me do it.

H said...

Your puppy looks like my puppy but with a lot less hair. Oh and yours has a penis. Very cute.

I want the mojito recipe.

XOXO,
H

Kate said...

Lordy, I am with you on the post slacking. Ugh.

Did you feel weird buying baby gates? I feel weird every time I enter the Target baby department.

justme said...

John Taylor is MINE. mojito recipe is definitely needed now that we have that straight

kirby said...

Between your mojitos and Bub's Sunday Afternoon Cocktail recipes, I may have to rethink this whole no alcohol diet thing.

Kim said...

Please don't ever leave me like this again. It upsets my entire perception of the world.
But yeah, a new doggie is an acceptable excuse. For now.

SkylersDad said...

"In-between trips outside to pee on fire hydrants, playing with fuzzy toys and licking butts, I've had to find time to take care of the dog too."

That might be the best laugh I have had in weeks, thank you so much!

Stacey said...

Dang it Gwen took my comment. Eh well I'll say it again and we'll pretend like I said it first (sorry Gwen)

That is great news about your lil sis!

Ok now that we've taken care of that at least you posted an excuse. I just simply don't post. Sometimes real life likes to get in the way. That could also be read as laziness. Plus I'm lazy and kind of a Twitter whore.

I fall in and out of love with my blog every 5 seconds it seems.

Dr Zibbs said...

That's a super cute dog.

And a super delicious looking salad.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I'm thinking your whole no kids/adopting pets thing may make you think twice when you realize that adopting inter-species children is actually a worse sibling rivalry than the prickly little human variety. Oh, I have to go now. My dog is chewing on the neck of a feline that is actually larger than her. Said feline waits and turns around to say "I've had enough" with a backhand of claws. They have lived together in the same house for over 2 years. Too cute.

John said...

I love how you got "Assistant Supervisory Supervisor for Worldly Interesting Posting Eyeballing" to fit perfectly on a single line ...how did you do that? ; )

My bet on when kitties start loving Mommy again: June 9th, 7ish.

Bubsy be da little man. : )

RE: "We are in the "Pre-hotter than Satan's taint" phase..." Oh Pleeze! What is it, well into the 60s there now? ; )

Dr Zibbs said...

I just mentioned your header on my blog.

That is all.

John said...

That Seattle John sounds AWESOME!

diatribes and dish said...

Ahhh, the baby gate. The salvation fo new dog owners across the world.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

You have done exactly what I want to do - adopt and older doggie. My husband is not a fan of this idea or dogs (although he likes the cat a lot) so I have been biding my time, but I'm pretty sure one day he will arrive home from work to find his pants leg being peed upon by my new rescued rat terrier mix.

Also - since your dog is a little older - if his previous owner or care giver experience was a woman or women he may be a little guy shy. Men have deeper voices and more aggressive demeanors that people may not notice, but seem threatening to a dog. If your husband tries talking in a softer voice it might help Bubs until they get used to each other.

I tend to de-lurk and leave long comments when the topic is animals.

Glad you're back!

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Wow Rhubarb Mo's? Sounds heavenly!!

PS. your cats WILL forgive you one day!

Happy THURSDAY!!!

- Jennifer

Perfectly Shelly said...

I had a witty, detailed comment for you and POOF.....it disappeared. i tried to 'back' to get it again, and it was gone forever.

So, here are the highlights:

WANT MORE INFO ABOUT DOG...MUST KNOW EVERYTHING.

WANT RHUBARB COCKTAIL RECIPES.

READ MY BLOG AND ANSWER MY BURNING COOKING QUESTION.

XXOO

ps, the Perfectly's have dogs, and one cat...one dog looks similar to BUBS....so, I want him.....and I won't trade.

XXOO again.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I think that little dog is the cutest, luckiest little boy ever!

Funny, they say cat people don't like dogs and vice versa. Not that I'm asking you to choose, but which one is it, cats or dogs? Or both?
Happy people co-exist with both, although 3 animals makes for one crazy house.

WendyB said...

I'm horrified that you and your sister are both younger than me. Humph.

domboy said...

Comfortable shoes are the beginning of the end.

Amaya said...

That wig project sounds interesting.

feisty said...

the salad and those rhubarb cocktails look killer. lovely.

Landis said...

dogs take up much time.

until you realize that PICTURES of dogs often sate the readers of the blog, and you have to WRITE less.

hence "the two dog blog".

i'm just pointin out the obvious . . .