Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Like a gazelle, she is.

So, with my impending vacation and summer (a.k.a. the season of frightening nudity) looming, I have been working out and eating like Nicole Richie on a "fat" day.

I like to work out at home. I can't stand to be around other people when I'm jumping around, grunting and sweaty. Lately, with all the snow and my lack of interest in "winter sports" (whatever the hell those are, all I know is it doesn't sound good) I've been doing videos in my living room. I love kickboxing, but the routines I have are too short (30 minutes, give or take a nose blow or potty break) so I've been supplementing with aerobics.

Yes- good, old fashioned, 80's style aerobics.

Headband, Reebok hi-tops, shiny spandex, full-on makeup & legwarmers optional. Yeah, optional for LOSERS. Winners don't do anything halfway, man.

So...I'm jumping, jogging, jacking and "whoo!", "yeah", "uh-huh"-ing my way through this high-impact nightmare when...


My ankle made a crunching sound as I was dropping to the floor in a most unladylike fashion. I couldn't breathe for a minute, but all I could think was, "I hope I still can do some crunches". Idiot.

I remember when I wasn't as clumsy as a sitcom with Tony Danza. I was a dancer. 12 years. I have the toe shoes and bad knees to prove it. My first recital was to the "Copacabana" at the Holiday Center in Duluth for some event I can't even remember. I think I was 12. I wore a shiny red leotard and an equally shiny yellow skirt trimmed with sequins. My dance teacher was obsessed with the "copacabana"- even then I knew it was unhealthy, but I liked her & forged on with the show.

Nancylaine Anderson, much like Lola and her feather, always wore a flower in her hair. She was the most exotic woman I had ever met- tall, always in head to toe black, long dark hair and as graceful at 50-something as anyone could ever hope to be. She was beautiful, inspiring and funny- and she thought I was talented. I was o.k.

She had several different "studios" around town through the years, but her last one was the one she had the longest. And even with falling-apart floors, really loud radiators and probable asbestos, it was by far the nicest. She occupied the space over what is now the Electric Fetus- I think there are offices or something like that there now. When she first opened, the Strand Theater (the last of the great porno theaters in town) was still open. I still remember the night some douchebag hit on my polyester pant-wearing, knitting bag-toting Mom. She thought that was pretty freaking funny. Almost as funny when a hooker tried to pick up my Dad in Jamaica- with my Mom standing right next to him.

I wonder where NancyLaine is now? Is she still alive?
I guess I should find out.
I lost touch with her when I went to college, and I don't think she ever really forgave me for taking "Modern" dance at UMD. She considered it undisciplined. It was. Dirty bare feet really aren't as graceful or pretty as pink satin toe shoes.

So...long story short, I twisted the shit out of my ankle & fell down. My ankle looks like someone smacked it with a baseball bat.

I decided if I can't work out, I'll just get a swimsuit like this:

Problem solved.


Kate said...

I just KNEW you had to be from Ye Olde Twin Ports Region when I read your post about Taco John's.

Oh, snap.

Whiskeymarie said...

Yes, I decided to start outing myself a bit.
My first few years of existence were in glorious Gary "New Duluth" (is it still called that?) on Commonwealth Ave. The bulk of my years I spent in exile in a yet-unnamed small town near the big D. Technically I'm more of a country mouse than a city mouse. But really, more of a moose. Or a monkey.

Failcooks said...

My impending vacation is in ONE week. Moments ago I jumped headlong into the moment I had been dreading. I donned my spankin' new target two-piece. NOT GOOD is all I'm going to say. Wow. Who knew? Minnesota winters are not good for the old vacation body. Sheesh. Hope you have better luck than me.

Christa said...

god that whole reebox, headband, full makeup workout outfit used to be my epitome of what i wanted to be.

that was when fame was still on tv. my mom had kathy smith workout tapes. kathy smith had fantastic boobs.

i had a sweatsuit that said "lets get physical. i think that is a dirty thing to make your 7-year-old wear.