Wednesday, March 28, 2007

People just ain't no good

I have a lot of photos up in my house. So many that I really only look at them every few months or so- they're just kind of fixtures now, like a door, a window, or an Elvis decanter. I realized today that I still have a few up that are of people who've done me wrong- not in the forgot my birthday way but in the they did things so awful they fucked up my life for a significant time way.
Or, in the case of one, made me lose a lot of money AND fucked up my life way.

But I'll keep them up- I think it's o.k. to remember past friends for both the good & the rotten things they did. We still had fun, at one point. We just can't be friends anymore. I'm guessing there are a few walls sporting pics of me that the owners are trying to decide of I should be booted off or not. Or maybe burned.

Which brings me to today's fun:

An open apology to a few people I've been less than my perfect, charming and otherwise worthy-of-a-humanitarian-award self to:

#1) To Angel, mine & Waffle's roommate at our first apartment in Duluth after high school:
I don't know how the argument started, as we were wasted (probably on Matilda Bay wine coolers), but I'm sorry we had that epic screaming match that culminated in our entire apartment being coated in popcorn. To my credit, your boyfriend was a creepy, middle-aged, biker pedophile, but it was your business if you wanted to be his girlfriend, not mine.

#2) To M- my frighteningly sensitive & delicate artist boyfriend for about a 6 months in, I don't know... 1990?:
I should have just broken up with you- but you were so emotional, for a boy, that I thought the best thing to do would be to humiliate you at the big Christmas party, for whatever reason. It was rude to spend the whole night in the upstairs bathroom with my friends and a bunch of cute boys playing spin the bottle. It probably didn't help things that I came out at the end of the evening covered in eyeliner (we were writing on each other for some reason I can't remember) and smelling from our cologne fight. Oh, and the smeared lipstick probably didn't impress you either. I really wasn't a very good girlfriend to begin with. I should have dumped you that morning, like I wanted to.

#3) To the kitchen manager at Nordstrom's cafe who hired me years ago on the premise that I would be in charge of re-doing the baking and pastry program, then wouldn't order me any product or let me do my job in a reasonable manner because you obviously lied to me in the first place:
I should have done you the service of telling you what an incompetent douchebag you were when I walked out with no notice.

#4) To the guy who sold us a used truck that had the transmission go out on a week later, rendering it useless:
I could see by the crappy knick-knacks in your home that you were a religious fella. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you by sending you that gay porn. However satisfying it may have been, that was immature of me.

#5) To my sister, India, who suffered a horrendous black eye at the hands of myself and our older sister, Snowshoe, when we were kids:
Sorry we lied to mom & said you "ran into" the hammock frame. We were so shocked when she believed us, we didn't see the point of rocking the boat. Glad you still have the eye, but just think of all of the cool lady-pirate jokes we could have enjoyed if the outcome had not been so good! Eye patches can be sexy- just look at Adam Ant in his "pirate" years.

#6) To the MCI operator I was on the phone with for 45 minutes arguing about a $35 overcharge back in 1997:
I know your job sucked & that you didn't personally have anything to gain either way, but you were not the friendliest gal I've dealt with. That aside, I still shouldn't have called you a useless bitch, even if you were.

That's enough for today, stay tuned for further installments (cause' I've got a TON of em')

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