Monday, May 26, 2008

Hangin' moderately tough, except on weekends and holidays.

Another glorious day off, another chance to get nothing of any substance done.
Could I be cleaning the garage? Sure.
Could I be editing my screenplay, "Murder, She Drunkenly Mumbled"? Yup. (I'm thinking it will be the perfect vehicle for either Sally Fields or Jessica Simpson- I can't decide.)
Could I be perfecting my clogging routine? Well, it could use some tweaking, that's for sure.
Could I be washing my pussy? (get your mind out of the gutter, perv.) Always.

Or, could I be cleaning this ever-present eyesore?

How about this one?


Instead I decided to revisit my former odd fascination with New Kids on the Block.

Yes, you heard right. New Kids on the Block (which, from here on will be referred to as NKotB. Word.)

What's that? You're saying, "But Whiskeymarie, surely you were far, far too old for NKotB to have been age-appropriate! Weren't you like, 35 when they were popular? Aren't you old enough to have sprouted one or more of them from your baby incubator?"

All valid questions.
All questions I am choosing to ignore right now, thank you very much.

Oddly enough, my disconcerting obsession with NKotB came YEARS after the 13 year-olds stopped squealing with glee and started right about when those same girls were awkwardly losing their precious virginity with some dude named Trevor in their dorm room Freshman year of College after a few Seagram's wine coolers.

Have you already forgotten how monumentally uncool I am? Why, oh why must I keep reminding you? Why?

It all started innocently enough. This NKotB obsession of mine.

  • I bought a t-shirt in the bargain, bargain, bargain bin somewhere for $4 as an ironic joke.
  • Then I got a VHS video. (Again, a joke.)
  • Then an orange plastic lunchbox with matching thermos. (Not "ha-ha" funny anymore. More "funny" funny.)
  • Then a sleeping bag. (Yeah- this is getting kind of creepy. Are you off your meds again Whiskey?)
  • Then some puzzles. (This is getting "intervention" wrong on 8 different levels.)

But my favorite thing(s) I got were thing(s) I actually used.


For some reason I can't find Donnie in my sock drawer right now. I think he ran off to reunite the Funky Bunch and take his bro's place as the front man.
We can hope anyways...

Here I'm having a make out 3-way with two of my boys:

Here I'm using the current popular vernacular, "Word." As in, "Word to your mother.":

Here I think I was doing some sort of interpretive dance to an Enya song?:

Let's pretend that last one isn't there for now, o.k? Good. Thanks.

I sold most of the crap/cherished memorabilia at various garage sales over the years, but I still have the socks. And, other than one I gave to this sassy broad, I still have two of the puzzles.

Here they are with Mr. T (a.k.a. "Mudbutt"):

What's that you say? You would like one of these 500-piece beauties for your own? You want to mount it on a board and hang it in your living room?
Just tell me why you should have one, and I'll randomly pick two of y'all lucky, lucky people to receive them.* (Well, I'll randomly pick two of you assuming that there is more than two of you that would actually want them.)
I will gladly mail them to you. Third runner up (again, if there is one) gets a mystery consolation prize. I promise it won't be anything gross or smelly.

Good luck?

*Disclaimer: 500 pieces not guaranteed. Winner must be willing to provide some sort of address to mail the fun to. "Fun" is a trademark of Whiskeymarie, Inc, and in no way implies that said recipient will experience "fun." Puzzle at your own risk, lifeguard not on duty.


H said...

I was a Jordan fan. When my friend Karrie and I would play house, I was married to Jordan and she was married to Jonathan. The others were close friends, of course, and they would drop by and hang out with us and our kids. Ahhh...those were the days.

Rebecca said...

can I get the mystery consolation prize please?

John said...


I marvel at how not even NKotB socks can diminish your ferocious sexuality. I knew what my entry was even before I knew there was a NKotB contest. Unfortunately it is so ENORMOUSLY depraved that I must submit it privately. Hey, just remember...YOU STARTED IT!

; )

CDP said...

Ooh ooh ooh, me me me! I should have one because my sister, now nearly 21, was a HUGE NKOTB fan when she was very small, and she is an obscure music college snob extraordinaire now (and conveniently claims that she does not remember her love for the NKs). It would be SO AWESOME to present one of these to her for her 21st birthday (in October). I promise to blog about it and give credit where it is due.

McGone said...

I checked the legal print and didn't notice -- can I get the cash equivalent instead? Based on standard garage sale rates?

Christy said...

Oh my freakin' word! Your blog always gives me a laugh, but seriously...I want to print this out and keep it in my pocket for a rainy (read: shitty, when I feel like jumping off a bridge w/o a bungee cord) day! Love it!

BTW--you don't have to enter me in the if it was Duran Duran merchandise on the other hand, it would be another story. I was all over that in 5th grade.

boredmando said...

I sadly was born a few years after the NKotB madness happened. Really, I don't even know when it was, but I know I missed it. Also, I think I'm one of very few people born in '87 that are sad they missed the majority of the '80s. And Grunge. I would have loved to have been able to dress myself during the Grunge era.

Fran said...

Oh those socks... My life shall never be the same again.

Renaissance Woman said...

Hmmm...I like the socks but I didn't ever like New Kids.

The Grand ChaHee said...

Yeah, now I'm not going to lie--I may have had (or still have somewhere) their "Hangin' Tough" music video/Behind the scenes VHS; But socks? Duffle bag? Sleeping bag? puzzles? Socks!!!!??? that's hardcore!

Does wishing I was as hardcore as you qualify me for a prize?

Lunch Buckets said...

No thanks on the puzzles. But I'll be first in line if you decide to give away the I heart Las Vegas mug.

Landis said...

i want the socks.

no, i don't.

but i think they are amusing.

Whiskeymarie said...

I should probably state for the record that I never actually listened to the NKotB.
I think I liked the "idea" of NKotB the "phenomenon" more than NKotB the "musical group".

Don't hate me for being shallow.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Oh, WM. I love that you own at least 8 pieces of NKOTB paraphernalia and have never listened to them.

And yet still, I get to reap the benefits! My puzzle is going to be a summer project, unless I manage to find a job.

Gwen said...

Whoever thought of marketing a boy band on compression stockings is a genius.

Butrfly Garden said...

I was an nkotb freak. And I LIKED their music! I'm sure my grandma was thrilled every time my walkman broke (seriously. how freaking cheap were those SOB's?) and she got a day or two break from me singing along with the tapes.

My favorite was Joey. I had the barbie Joe. When my brother's dog chewed off part of his left leg, the nkotb story drastically changed. Joey pulled an Elvis and joined the Army. He went to the Gulf War and lost his leg in battle. He was a brave [minor] barbie boy band member. I even pinned his pants for him.

BigBottomMcGee said...

My favorite was Jonathan, but I for some reason was embarrassed by that. So, I told everyone Joey was my favorite. I had that barbie, too! Along with t-shirts, a beach towel, and marbles with their heads in the inside!

L Sass said...

My sister and I had Joey and Jordan dolls. They had plastic Ken-hair, but also a long skinny rat tail of Barbie-hair going halfway down their backs.

Sis and I DID NOT approve of the rat tail and cut it off within 10 seconds of receiving our dolls.

180|360 said...

Those socks leave me speechless. I have to admit, I was never a NKOTB fan. But I was big into hip-hop and dressed accordingly. One day I'll break out all my old rap t-shirts to share with the world. WORD.

Iheartfashion said...

Lollie said...

I only just got rid of my purple Donny Osmond knee socks, so I think I will pass on the current give-away. Yes, you heard me right. Donny. Osmond.

Mariposa said...

I swear about about to burst into tears before coming here...and you altered my I'm chuckling....

I can help you with your closet on the condition that I take with me whatever I like! LOL

JayAre said...

Man, I hearted those guys SO MUCH. I was 12-13 when they were popular, right in the hardcore "tween" demographic. I used to be ashamed of my former love, but now I look back on it with pleasant feelings of nostalgia.

Like someone above, I also had the Joey doll. And much to my parents chagrin, my entire bedroom was papered floor to ceiling with pictures of them that I tore out of TeenBeat, etc. Seriously, I was hardcore. Even saw them in concert once. I will NOT be going to the reunion concerts though, because that whole thing is just pathetic. Let's leave the dance moves in the past, shall we boys?

TwistedNoodle said...

Holy Crap....major flashback attack. This post just reminded me of the very large poster I had proudly hanging on my bedroom wall of the Bay City Rollers.
If it's not too late to enter, I'm game for the mystery gift.

Siana said...

Wow. Whatever street cred I had up to this point will be forever diminished:

1) I had EVERYTHING you showed in your post. I'm not joking. I even had the comforter, bed sheets, hat, multiple shirts, tour shirts, posters, various pictures from all the teen magazines, fake tattoos, tour vhs tapes, etc.

2) I deserve a prize because I actually admitted all that embarrassing stuff above.

3) If you don't give me a prize then I'm going to go crotch-assault a midget's face.

Suze said...

I sold my younger brother to a band of roaming gypsies for tickets to the NKotB tickets. Sure my mom missed him for a few days, but I remembered that concert for years. A fair trade I would say.

pistols at dawn said...

That's the closest to a woman Danny's ever been. That man's battle with Monkeyfaceitis is an inspiration to us all.

jurassicpork said...

God, you're hot.

Grant Miller said...

You're very classy.

gorillabuns said...

i'm rarely speechless but i think, the socks have stumped me.

Miss Awesome said...

I still listen to NKotB. I downloaded some tunes and now rock to them on my ipod. I pretend to be embarrassed by this, but really, I'm not.

domboy said...

Oh my, I'm not easily shocked, but you really had me on the edge with this one. I think I get it now ... you're more of a rebel than ever.