Dateline, Saint Paul 8:13a.m:
Authorities were called early Tuesday morning to the palatial estate of local recluse Whiskeymarie VonPartypants after being alerted of an odor that was described by Ms. VonPartypants' neighbor, Ms. Ida Shrivelface as "closely resembling what I imagine Satan's bunghole would smell like." Upon entry into the mansion, Police described the scene as "Deplorable. Just really, really gross." Officer Kenneth Horseknocker states: "I wouldn't let my dog take a crap on the kitchen table- it's that bad."
What officers found was the stuff of nightmares: Mountains of dirty dishes, what appears to be three years' worth of laundry, magazines and papers stacked waist-high, tumbleweeds made entirely of cat and human hair, unpacked luggage, food remnants on every conceivable surface, cat toys strewn about, a refrigerator full of nothing but outdated condiments, clothing draped over every available chair, a room vaguely resembling a dungeon in the basement, an average of sixteen inches of dust covering most everything, and a garage packed so full of junk that the front door was bulging and threatening to explode. Ms. VonPartypants' cats, however, seemed healthy and happy.
Officers located Ms. Partypants in the dank corner of one of the guestrooms, huddled with her laptop computer and wearing a burlap sack as a dress, ripped pantyhose, winter boots and a pillbox hat. She appeared to be disoriented and she was described by Sgt. Rod Hammer as "really liquored up. She kept mumbling 'happy monkey, happy monkey' over and over. We're still not sure what the heck she meant by that, but we're currently searching for her pet Orangutan 'Sir Rosybottom' as he seems to be missing." Police have alerted the neighbors to the monkey's presence and encourage anyone with information to call police immediately and please don't feed Sir Rosybottom after dark.
Ms. VonPartypants was placed in a private rehabilitation clinic where she is currently being treated. Reporters caught a glimpse of Ms. VonPartypants as she was leaving her transcendental meditation for obsessive-compulsives therapy and was going for a Starbucks. When asked to comment on the deplorable conditions of her home, she replied, "S**t! They didn't throw away my collection of wadded up kleenexes, did they? Dammit! Wait! I mean, um...no comment." She then ran into the coffee shop and proceeded to shave her head with a vegetable peeler.
Authorities from the beautiful city of St. Paul's housing authority have seized the home and assets of Ms. VonPartypants and plan on razing the estate to make room for a mid-priced condominium development and shooting range.