Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Authorities raid home, monkey missing.

Dateline, Saint Paul 8:13a.m:


Authorities were called early Tuesday morning to the palatial estate of local recluse Whiskeymarie VonPartypants after being alerted of an odor that was described by Ms. VonPartypants' neighbor, Ms. Ida Shrivelface as "closely resembling what I imagine Satan's bunghole would smell like." Upon entry into the mansion, Police described the scene as "Deplorable. Just really, really gross." Officer Kenneth Horseknocker states: "I wouldn't let my dog take a crap on the kitchen table- it's that bad."

What officers found was the stuff of nightmares: Mountains of dirty dishes, what appears to be three years' worth of laundry, magazines and papers stacked waist-high, tumbleweeds made entirely of cat and human hair, unpacked luggage, food remnants on every conceivable surface, cat toys strewn about, a refrigerator full of nothing but outdated condiments, clothing draped over every available chair, a room vaguely resembling a dungeon in the basement, an average of sixteen inches of dust covering most everything, and a garage packed so full of junk that the front door was bulging and threatening to explode. Ms. VonPartypants' cats, however, seemed healthy and happy.

Officers located Ms. Partypants in the dank corner of one of the guestrooms, huddled with her laptop computer and wearing a burlap sack as a dress, ripped pantyhose, winter boots and a pillbox hat. She appeared to be disoriented and she was described by Sgt. Rod Hammer as "really liquored up. She kept mumbling 'happy monkey, happy monkey' over and over. We're still not sure what the heck she meant by that, but we're currently searching for her pet Orangutan 'Sir Rosybottom' as he seems to be missing." Police have alerted the neighbors to the monkey's presence and encourage anyone with information to call police immediately and please don't feed Sir Rosybottom after dark.


Ms. VonPartypants was placed in a private rehabilitation clinic where she is currently being treated. Reporters caught a glimpse of Ms. VonPartypants as she was leaving her transcendental meditation for obsessive-compulsives therapy and was going for a Starbucks. When asked to comment on the deplorable conditions of her home, she replied, "S**t! They didn't throw away my collection of wadded up kleenexes, did they? Dammit! Wait! I mean, um...no comment." She then ran into the coffee shop and proceeded to shave her head with a vegetable peeler.

Authorities from the beautiful city of St. Paul's housing authority have seized the home and assets of Ms. VonPartypants and plan on razing the estate to make room for a mid-priced condominium development and shooting range.

19 comments:

Shannon Erin said...

Have you seen Grey Gardens? If Ms. VonPartypants had friends, they'd be her besties.

gorillabuns said...

Oddly enough, I too have a wadded Kleenex or in my case, a Vicks Puffs Plus collection.

diatribes and dish said...

Funny ... I didn't hear about this on the news. Apparently I need to pay more attention to current events.

dguzman said...

Oh dear, did they at least let you keep your laptop so we can get dispatches from inside the cuckoo's nest?

Grant Miller said...

Monkeys should be slapped.

T said...

Can I get that push-up bra?

Gwen said...

I heard that Sir Rosybottom only stepped out for a minute to hire Merry Maids. He was shocked to find an empty house when he got back.

I hope rehab doesn't turn you into a Jesus freak.

L Sass said...

AS long as the cats are happy, I don't see what the problem is.

Stacey said...

As about a bajillion toys to the mix and change that cat hair to dog hair and you may (or may not) have the WM estate.

Suze said...

I'm hoping they sell that stuff on ebay. I mean, obviously, I'd be buying it back for you once you're finished rehab.

McGone said...

I totally saw this on TMZ last night. Right after the Heidi and Spencer update and the latest John Mayer/Jennifer Aniston siting.

John said...

God, what a sick, tormented soul you are Ms. VonPartypants. And how I lust after you. As part of your rehabilitation, I'd like to invite you to MY estate for thorough sexual debasement, after which you'll have to leave. I'm afraid I could never live with you. I'm kind of a neat freak. Just saying.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Sir Rosybottom just made me spit out my water.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, I was thinking of relocating to St. Paul. The Florida winters and beaches are getting old. Any inside information on pre-construction prices for the new condo's? I promise that I'll think about you every time I come home and start shooting.

Patti

Nature Girl said...

you crack me up. No matter what kinda day it is, I come here, I laugh my ass off. you're a riot.
Stacie

justacoolcat said...

Hey, Is that my burlap sack?

pistols at dawn said...

Can there still be a party in your pants if you're not wearing pants?

Minnesota Girl said...

"She then ran into the coffee shop and proceeded to shave her head with a vegetable peeler."

i think i just peed my pants.

MommasWorld said...

Ida Shrivelface! Love it!