Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Like the Gambler says, "Know when to run."

I often find myself in situations with other human beings where my ability to discern "Is this person just quirky and odd and possibly a genius", or is this person "straight-up old school batshit crazy with a side of sociopath" comes into question. Falling into both categories often myself (depending on the phase of the moon and amount of wine I've consumed), I can agree that these are tricky waters to navigate.

No one wants to "accidentally" call the police on a world-famous performance artist, just as no one wants to "accidentally" end up dating an incontinent 85 year-old foot fetishist with mommy issues.

Let's take a few possible scenarios, where I will help you identify the little
"red flags", if you will, that separate the slightly wonky from the full-blown cookoo for Cocoa Puffs.



* When standing in line at the dollar store, if the woman behind you is wearing a parka on an 85-degree day and starts mumbling about what she's going to make for dinner, well then, what you've got yourself there is "quirky and odd".
If, that same woman standing behind you is mumbling about "the righteousness of the fucking and all the sex is the white trashiness of all evil" and you notice that they have, unfortunately, shat in their drawers while waiting in line to buy laxatives...well folks- you just stepped in a big ol' pile of crazy.


*If, while sitting on the bus, you notice someone picking/blowing their nose and then pausing to inspect the fruits of their labor after the fact, well that's just this side of quirky.
If, that same person picks their nose, then pulls out of their bag a canvas that has been smeared with many, many months of nose pickins and then leans over to ask if you enjoy fine art...
Crazy.
*If you see an elegant woman walking down the street in an evening gown, full jewelery and makeup and a mink stole while walking a cat on a leash, well- that's both amusing and photo-worthy- but really only falls into the "somewhat touched" category of things.
If, you see an unelegant man walking down the street in an evening gown, full jewelery and makeup with a mink stole while walking a squirrel on a leash and reciting the Declaration of Independence...
Yup. You guessed it.


*And, if you happen to see a marginally-attractive 30-something woman in a grocery store singing/meowing "Loving you" by Minnie Riperton quietly (including the high notes) while reading the labels on every single can of tuna, then walking to the deli and staring at the salads, then walking back to stand for 10 minutes in front of the tuna again just...deciding, and she happens to be wearing a coffee-stained sweatshirt, what appear to be pajama bottoms, and flip flops, and she occasionally breaks into a sad sort of "wiggle" dance, and she giggles a lot to herself, and her hair is neither curly nor straight but is instead "sturly" and in an awkward ponytail, and she smells strongly of Aveda products...well that's just textbook "interesting".
Really.
Not crazy, just "interesting."
Really.
Trust me.

If, that same woman then drops her shopping basket, screams "WHY ARE THE BIRDS MOCKING ME???", runs out of the store, drops her jammies to her ankles and pees on the sidewalk...
Well, to be honest I think she's just drunk. Someone get that poor woman a cup of coffee.



I hope this clears the air a bit for y'all. Now go forth armed with the knowledge I have given you and boldly and confidently be able to say, "You ma'am, are a quirky individual who is both creative and slightly odd. I can respect that"
versus
"You sir are an obvious psychopath and I fear for my safety being within 50 feet of you. Good day!"

Good day!

27 comments:

CDP said...

I wasted nearly 4 damn months on a Psychology class, and I could have just waited for this post.

lizgwiz said...

These are some helpful, helpful tips. I know a LOT of odd people, and now I can categorize them correctly. Thanks!

Minnesota Girl said...

huh. learn something new every day...thank you wm, thank you!

punchlinewalking said...

Man, this stuff is complicated...not sure what I'd do without you! LOVE the outfit!

Iheartfashion said...

Very helpful!
I experienced batshit crazy yesterday while attempting to buy some muffins at my local bakery which happens to be unfortunately located next to planned parenthood. Protesters with 8-foot tall full color glossies of mangled babies. Nice. And they flocked to me as I got out of the car, like I was coming to get an abortion with my two kids in tow.

rcubed said...

I like to think I've got one foot in "bat shit crazy" and the other on a banana peel.
Hilarious post.

Mommy Lisa said...

Ah yes, what we feel is passable to wear in public sometimes. ;) I always talk to myself in public too; making to-do lists and mulling what I need. I was a radio dj for so long that I was used to speaking outloud with no one else in the room. CRAZY, no.

Yea for the dress-up blog. I lurve when you do that.

180|360 said...

I definitely fit the quirky bill, drenched in an Aveda sensory experience and only on odd occasions come off as bat-shit crazy.

Love the owl skirt, by the way!

pistols at dawn said...

I find it's best to just never leave the house, really.

dguzman said...

hey, I LIKE Cocoa Puffs. Don't be hatin' on my cereal.

wafelenbak said...

Oh man. I've tried all day to come up with the right comment. And all I can say is that the owl skirt is FABULOUS.

kirby said...

Our town wacko is toothless, so I can never understand what the hell he is saying. He's always dressed in mismatched military outfits he picks up at the surplus stores, so I assume he's just ranting about Tojo.

Suze said...

So I see you've met my family.

Stacey said...

Now see this is why I adore you. Not only are you amusing...but really you've provided such a service for me. Lord knows I tend to attract the crazies. Now maybe I can spot them better .

thanks, WM

Ghost Dansing said...

oh my my my......

Well she's walking, through the clouds
With a circus mind that's running wild
Butterflies and zebras
And moonbeams, and fairy tales.......

Gwen said...

Wow hon, that outifit is something else. The more I looked at it, the more I wanted to emulate it.

Let's tick off the items:

Owl skirt? Freaking fabulous.

Flower handbag? Shiny AND roomy! Love it.

I can't tell what's on the vest so I'm going to assume it's monkeys in a gondola. This is a family heirloom, no?

I love you, woman.

Sornie said...

I have to wonder, based ont he outfit, if some of those descriptions may have been about yourself. But not the one about filling one's pants with chocolate soft serve -- that may have been me. A guy. But a guy who wears dresses when he goes to the store.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Sometimes I am so distracted by your photos I find it hard to read the post. And that is a good thing.

Evil Genius said...

I used to respect that line and stay strictly on the quirky side. Lately I have been staggering back and forth over it like LiLo trying to pass a sobriety test.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Hello, I like your blog, and I agree with everything you say. Many years ago I argued with my university housemates on whether a guy riding a bicycle past our house wearing a jester hat was batshit crazy or just a bit eccentric. I felt the latter, and told them if they met someone really crazy then they'd know about it.

TwistedNoodle said...

These pics are too funny, you silly girl. Me thinks you're crazy in a perfectly normal and lovely sort of way and thats why I wuv you.

And a big ole smooch for linking me. Thank you.

Oh and about the booger pickers; with the population I work with I'm all too familiar with the nasty habit. These kids just love to dig and inspect and some will even snack on them. (just gagged a little typing that) It's one of the most difficult social skills to teach these kids. If I tell them their peers don't want to see them picking their nose they will hide in a corner and do it, and if I made them wash their hands each time they picked we'd never get any work done. I go through a 12 oz bottle of Germ-X every other week.

When my kids were little I told them their brains would fall out if they picked. And it worked. I was a mean mom.

And don't even get me started on the hankie users. If I see someone whipping out one of those bad boys the gross-out factor totally takes over and I just want to get away from them fast, lest they touch me.

I have to admit though, I really like observing the adult crazies, but from a safe distance.

Lollie said...

It's late and I can't see straight.

Oh, and Happy Birthday.

Katrin said...

I am way to unquirky. Will be working on that to stop being so uninteresting.

Bubs said...

Thanks for the useful field guide to crazy.

I just went back and read your New Orleans posts. You realize that in your guide to differentiating between crazy and quirky, you've described more than half of the residents of that city, right?

L Sass said...

The woman getting a pedicure next to me last night who talked IN DETAIL to her dog the ENTIRE TIME??

Definitely crazy.

Landis said...

j'adore.

Freida Bee, MD said...

You need to send me your address, because I have something from Austin I must get you!