Friday, May 25, 2007

I hope I didn't just step in dog shit, for Shorty's sake.

*I'm full of disclaimers lately. Today's post is a little more vulgar than usual. Unfortunately this is necessary to convey the story. Could I just not post this? Sure. But how would that be AT ALL in character for me? So if you are easily offended by (very brief) talk of anal sex, S & M, and balls- move along now. If you are at all surprised- have we met? Hi, Whiskeymarie here. Dirty, dirty, regularly drunk girl with a mouth as vulgar as a trucker on meth. Nice to meet you.

One night, about 2 years ago, I had a "girls night out" with my girl, Bettie.
The two of us are incapable of hanging out without something inappropriate happening.

Once, not on the particular night I'm eventually going to get to here, we went out to help her get over being dumped by a guy that I thought from day 1 was a total douche, but whatever.

We started the evening at JP, a "nice" restaurant with a little food & a bottle of Petite Syrah. We then went to "la Bodega" (a tapas, not topless place) and had a bottle of Albarino (to our credit, we left about an ounce and a half in the bottom of the bottle, so technically we didn't drink it all). Then off to "The Independent" (basically, an overrated bar) for, to the best of my recollection, 7 or 8 more cocktails.

Well, it just went downhill from there. Bettie ended up picking up (with much coaxing from me) some techno-stalker geek who came to Figlio (another bar, folks) with us and bought us MORE drinks (see where this is heading?).

Anyhoo- the evening culminated with me splitting my vintage cocktail dress up the back so my ass was hanging out (at what point this happened, I am unsure), and then me getting tired of my 4" heels, so I laid on the sidewalk while we waited for the cab home.

I was the lucky one.

Bettie ended up consenting to ass sex with the techno geek. Then she basically passed out.

The next day I had to wear Bettie's way-too-small cropped jeans, t-shirt and turquoise plastic flip flops home, while Bettie had to give the both of us (me & the geek) a ride to our cars.

The best part was, neither of us could remember the guy's name.
She basically threw him out of the car with a quick "Bye!" and we drove off, giggling.

I think he stalked her for a few months before she told him off in a less-than-ladylike manner.
I told her he only stalked her because she agreed to anal. What guy WOULDN'T think he had struck gold? A chick that does THAT on the first night? Marry her, my man, quick. If she'll let you, that is.

This was a pretty typical night out for us.

Moving along...

Another evening out, we started at Jitters (yup, a bar) with a few martinis (or was it Manhattans? Shit, whatever. I can't remember) and all was well. We/she decided I was not going to drive home as she was feeling feisty. Never one to turn down debauchery, I agreed to whoop it up, David Hasselhoff-style.

We decided to go to "Bondage a go-go" at this bar nearby. Basically, this is a sad attempt at an S&M night that this bar regularly has, complete with semi-naked cage dancers in chains, a girl in back offering what appear to be frighteningly enthusiastic spankings, and customers in various states of undress/bondage wear.

So, this should be fun, I thought.

I was wearing snakeskin pointy-toed high-heeled boots, F.Y.I. (this is important- you'll see)

About 1 drink in (maybe two- who can say?), this odd-looking bald-headed man (30-ish) approaches me and says something I think I can't understand.
"Excuse me?" I say.

"Can I lick your boots?" he asks. Yup, guess I heard him right the first time.

I thought a second. "Sure. Why not?"
Really- how many chances does one get to have a man lick one's boots? Hmmm?

I guess I thought he was kidding.
Nope, not so much.
He drops to his knees, cups my boot-clad foot lovingly in his hand and starts, well...licking.
Enthusiastically, and thoroughly. Heels, soles and all.
I pretty much just watched, exchanging looks with Bettie that said- "FREAK".

When he was done, he thanked me and moved on to scope for some kitten heeled pumps, I guess.

We then let two used-car salesmen looking dudes buy us drinks (turns out one really WAS a used car salesman. What a surprise. Guys, we can smell it on you a mile away. Seriously.) then decided to move on.

On the way out, the boot licker gave me this (click the pic for a larger view):

This is real, it's on my fridge still. Just in case anyone doubts.

Luckily, Bettie and I have not had a night like that since then (and yes, I left a few incriminating details out here- we had more fun than it appears. Nothing immoral, but possibly some questionably legal activities transpired. That's all I'm sayin'...)

Otherwise we may have called Shorty/boot licker to take him up on his offer.

I blocked it out, but the best part here is he had his WORK e-mail on this.

We'll give you points, boot-licker. You've got some balls.
Sore balls, turns out, but balls nonetheless.

Have a good weekend, my little sadists. And if a bald guy asks, I say let him lick your boots. It makes him happy, and aren't we all better people by making others happy?

Happy Friday!


Kate said...

Isn't 5" pretty normal? Or around there? The shorter end of normal, for sure, but that doesn't seem extraordinarily short to me. Huh.

viciousrumours said...

Oh hun! In my single days I would have soooo called that guy! I'm a FREAK like that. I've had my share of "questionable" but fun evenings.

That post made me grin and remember things I probably shouldn't be smiling about.

LittlePea said...

(gasping!!) Oh My! That's the best thing I've read all week!!!

metalia said...

Hee! I love that you still have his "resume" up on your fridge. Also? You already know that *I* think you're completely hilarious, but I thought you should know that your blog has the distinction of being one (of only two) that even my husband reads.

Whiskeymarie said...

I am flattered, indeed.
Thanks for the love, sweets.

And yes, it's still on my fridge- you never know when you might need the services of a guy like Shorty.

KT said...

hilarious!! I love that you still have the letter on your fridge. There's nothing better than crazy nights out with girlfriends!

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

omg!!! this post had me giggling like no other. i even read it aloud to the bf, and i never share my regular blog reads with the bf. thank god for you and your great stories. carry on!

Stacey said...

Can you make me a copy of that letter for my fridge ? That is e'fn hilarious.

Butrfly Garden said...

I can't believe I missed this post! It came up on my reader, but I had to go..I meant to go back to it and forgot!

How freaking funny!! I love the part 'I enjoy being tied up and left behind while you and your girlfriends spend my money."


Sugar Kane said...

You should get shorty to clean your garage!