Thursday, May 10, 2007

My humps, my humps, my lovely celebrities I'd hump.

Let's keep this civil and simple.

Celebrities I would gyrate wildly with, possibly while naked, I mean...nude.

a.k.a. "Celebrities I would most graciously participate with in the knocking of the boots, unless they have the herps or chlamydia.

#1) The man who turns my undies into an intricate jell-o mold with gummy bears and canned pineapple:

Sir Sexypants Clive Owen. I'm pretty sure there is no man alive who can make a woman think the incredibly inappropriate thoughts that I'm having right now more than you, baby.

Just Call. You totally know my number, silly. Remember me? I sent it to you in that e-mail. And the 14 others, just cause' I maybe thought you weren't getting them, sweetie. Oh, and, hahaha, remember that time I mailed you that cow heart, symbolizing how you broke mine by sleeping with that SLUT in that movie? Good times...

My husband totally gets it. I think he would even consider being "accidentally" gay for an evening in your make-my-thighs-quiver in a pleasantly uncomfortable way arms.

I would understand.

#2) Just hear me out...Craig Ferguson.

Actually I don't know how to justify this.

He's cute.

He's got an accent, which is "charming".

He's funny. Funny gets my pants off quicker than smoooooth anyday.

I'm laughing while I toss my undies aside as we speak...

I hope he's not short. I'd hate that. Short just isn't my...thing.

Dear Craig- Please be 5'10", at least. I can't justify an affair with anything less. Sorry.

#3) O.k, just so you know, my choices only get MORE unconventional as we go, folks. If you're hoping to hear how I'm, like, sooo obsessed with Nick Lachey, well...move along now. I'm seeking the intellectuamals now, lady trashy.

Number three is Jeremy Irons. Circa 1992. Meow.

You make me wish I were a tortured English lass who just needs the guidance of a worldly gent like yourself.

I don't care how old you are now.

If you're not too tired, from well...being "distinguished", and if the reruns of "Are you being served?" are boring you to tears right now, give me a call, sweetie.

I'll be waiting. But not too long, cause' then we might need the help of this:

#4) Oh Lloyd! Yes! Lloyd! Oh. my. God!!!! Lloyd!!!!!

Whew. Just a little Lloyd Dobler moment there.

Whatever. Like you don't still think of Mr. Cusack in a less-than-puritan way. Lloyd, you can take my virginity in a car anytime.
I heart you.
I vagina you.

Say anything? Sure. I'll say you're the King of the world, if that's your thing, Mr. C.


Also, in no particular order:

Simon Le Bon
, Elvis Costello, Chris Cornell, Vince Vaughn, George Clooney (yes, I KNOW- but I'd still fuck him), Chris Noth, Leiv Schreiber, Jeff Goldblum, Julian McMahon, Dominic West, Gerard Butler, John Malkovich (sometimes wish I were kidding with this one, but no. I love him.), Nick Cave, Tom Waits and many, many more.

But this is enough for now, kiddos. I'm a little hot & bothered & Mr. WM is out of town.
And yes, this is why I'm hot & bothered. And posting about humping celebrities.

So sad.

Who do YOU covet in the celebrity stratosphere?

Who makes your undies all warm & tingly?


Do. Share.


Kate said...

I'm with you 100% on Clive Owen. He's fantastically sexy. Like "a league above all others" sexy.

Stefanie said...

Ooh. I did a list like this a few weeks ago. I always forget key candidates for some reason, but the first to pop into mind immediately would be Ethan Hawke, Michael Vartan, Paul Rudd, and Rhett Miller (Have you seen him move his hips?? Think of the many other fine things he could do!) ;-) I'm sure there are more, but now all I can think about is Rhett Miller's hips. You must excuse me for a moment while I ponder them...

T said...

Vince Vaughn & Clive Owen I'm in full agreement with. The others ... well ...

Vincent D'Onfrio (from Law & Order) is my ABSOLUTE favorite. Big, strapping, dark & sexy. I also LOVE Kenneth Johnson & Alex O'Loughlin (of The Shield), but I get annoyed because the really well-built guys on that show always wear baggy outfits, while the short and/or scrawny guys wear these spandex jeans. Blech.

I guess I have a cop "thing."

Whiskeymarie said...

Kate, o.k, we can share the presidency of the fan club. We'll do every other month.

Stefanie- I didn't know who this Rhett character was (really I'm clueless) so I looked him up.
Meow. And, let's add Paul Rudd to my list too.

Maurey- Yes on Mr. D'Onfiro. Yes. I like Lem too, but I don't recognize the other guy from the Shield.

Oh, and I forgot Owen Wilson and Will Farrell on my list- what can I say? I like em' funny...

ps said...

john cusack. jakob dylan. taye diggs. anderson cooper. mwah.

Stacey said...

I actually really like John Cusack too (although not in a "do me now" kind of way but a "I'd love to hang w/you for a day" kind of way) -there's just something about him. Even when he's playing an undesirable (a la Grosse Point Blank) he's still likable.

For me though , Mark Wahlberg does it for me hands down. He's come along way since the Funky Bunch!

Brillig said...

Phew! You reserved Christian Bale for me! Good girl. Now step away from the Simon le Bon and we can all be friends...

T said...

Alex O'Loughlin is the newest Stroke Team member. Google him. You won't be disappointed.

I like Michael Jace, too. Oh, and David Rees Snell has wicked green eyes. Yes. Cops. I like cops.

Whiskeymarie said...

Oh! How could I forget Christian Von Yumyum.
Add him to the list...
But Brillig, I won't be greedy. You can have dibs.

KT said...

very fun entry!

I am in love Paul Rudd. I also have the biggest crush on Dan Futterman (the actor who played the son in the movie "The Birdcage").

And embarassingly enough, Justin Timberlake fulfills my pop star fantasies.

Anonymous said...

Prince. I know he’s nearly 50, a Jehovah’s Witness (he’s taking time off from music this year to go to bible camp) and under 5-foot tall. I don’t fucking care. Please allow me this. I’m from Minneapolis, and I’m still a little bit hot. At cocktail parties, I’d like to be able to say I fucked Prince. Really, I would.

Lenny Kravitz when he still had his dreads. Or now. Whatever. Lenny Kravitz.

Terrance Howard. I’d fuck him even if he truly was a Memphis pimp a la Hustle & Flow.

Ving Rhames. There’s something about a brother who’s just that smooth. You know he’d “knock you out with one shot for the rest of the night” a la Salt & Peppa’s Whatta Man. And, he’d be gentleman enough to walk you to your car and open the door for you afterwards, when you have to go home to your husband.

D’Angelo. Remember that video? The one where he’s butt naked and they keep panning down just before they get to his junk? I know some crazy mug shot came out of him recently looking like Heavy D, but I don’t care. Remember that video?

Cedric the Entertainer. I will not justify this. He’s cleaner than Mr. Clean, and you just know he knows how to treat a lady. And no one is funnier. Period.

Eddie Murphy. I don’t care that he got Scary Spice pregnant. I think he gets classier and more attractive with every year, and he’ s poised to be the next Bill Cosby. Cha-ching.

Harry Connick Jr. He’s just hot in that goofy, dork musician way. Would fuck his face off.

Andre 3000. Not afraid to wear a leprechaun outfit in a hiphop video. Need I say more?

Busta Rhymes. Dreadlocks, suckable lips, attitude, fine as frog’s hair.

Billy Bob Thornton. Good enough for Angelina, good enough for me.

Brad Pitt. See above.

And then there are the ones you’d only let do it to you from behind because they are so ugly, but still hot. See Jay-Z and Snoop Dogg. Yeah, I said it. Snoop Dogg.


Whiskeymarie said...

Oh my dear, I snorted a little there.
I love you.
L-O-V-E you.

And though I don't want to, I totally get the Prince & Cedric things. You don't have to justify your imaginary fuck.

And you are WAY more than "a little bit hot".

You leave a burnt trail wherever you go- you're so smoking hot, sweetie. Go kiss yourself for me.

JayAre said...

De-lurking to say the two sexiest words I know - Christopher Meloni. YUM.

Whiskeymarie said...

Oh mmmmm, he's lip-smacking good too.

I'll take him when you're through defiling him.
I don't mind having the sloppy seconds, he's that tasty.

Sugar Kane said...

I'm feeling multi-cultural today so we'll go with Paul Newman (half Jewish) Gael Garcia Bernal (Mexican) Wentworth Miller (Bi-racial) Taye Diggs (Black) Hugh Jackman (Aussie) Daniel Craig(english) Raoul Bova (Italian)

Anonymous said...

There's nothing better than a WhiskeyMarie snort. I miss that sort. Let's snort martinis soon. Please?


Margie Blystone said...

Call me a wacko but there's nothing like a 'sweet geek'... Topher Grace as Eric on 'That 70's Show' just makes me want to ruffle his hair and show him the ways of the making of the love!

Whiskeymarie said...

That's funny, because ever since I saw him in "Traffic" I looked at him differently.
Kind of like the 24 year-old babysitter looking at her young charge's 18 year-old brother.

Kind of dirty, but at least legal.

O.k, Topher, you're on the list.

exclusivity said...

kzgquThe men on my "i'd leave you without packing a suitcase" list

Gary Dourdan
Vincent Cassel
Dominic West

in that order. My husband has promised that he'd understand if I left him for one of these three.

Terrence Howard is a good one, too... and something about Isaiah Thomas...

Anonymous said...

i have slept w/ mr dominic west and let me tell you, it was better than your wildest dreams. he's even hotter in person. and in bed. god he has a heavenly body and a deadly gorgeous accent