Wednesday, June 25, 2008

What I think about when my brain isn't full of squirrels, rainbows, and unicorns.

I wonder what it would be like if I were a man.

I have man hands, I always leave the lid (not to be confused with the seat 'cause that would just be weird) of the toilet up, I like a good steak and a sturdy martini, and after sex I tend to opt to look for the remote and possibly a sandwich rather than "cuddling".

I like to think that I'd be a good-looking dude, but really- who knows? My quirky brand of "Whiskey" might not translate so well to the testosterone-fueled half of our species.

I like to think that I'd look like this:

Or this:

But I fear that the reality would be a bit harsher:


Reasons I could be a man-
  • Big, manly hands
  • I can enjoy a stiff, non-fussy cocktail
  • I can enjoy good beer
  • I drive aggressively
  • I enjoy no-frills, straightforward sex with little chit-chat
  • I'm an awesome trash-talker
  • I'm usually full of shit
  • I swear too much
  • I forget important dates like anniversaries and birthdays
  • I am generally uninterested in reality shows about dating, dancing or "becoming a star!"
  • I think about other things when you're going on and on and on about that one thing I won't remember anyways
  • I scratch myself inappropriately
Reasons I'm probably NOT a (non-transvestite) man-
  • I like wearing high heels and makeup
  • I drink cosmos and white wine
  • I usually smell pretty
  • I dream about cake sometimes
  • I'm really fascinated by malls and enjoy frequent trips to them
  • Generally, I don't burp or fart in front of anyone
  • When you're going on and on about that one thing I won't remember anyways...I'm probably thinking about the cats and how cute they are. That, or Clive Owen humping me.
  • Thinking about, talking about or being forced to watch sports makes me hate humanity for creating them
  • Negative on the whole "having a penis" thing, positive on the whole "possessing a vagina" thing.

My alter ego, Jamesonmorty Von Penispants/ Man Me:

He's no Clive Owen (and he's a bit hairy, it seems), but after a few (thirteen) cocktails he might look good enough for a drunk make-out.
Or not. Whatever.

*Props to Moe Wanchuk for making me think about this the other day on this post.


kilax said...

I'm too distracted by the yumminess of Clive Owen and Gerard Butler to concentrated now. Thanks.

Gwen said...

I would totally make out with Jamesonmorty. But I wouldn't call the next day because I'm kind of a guy, too.

John said...

Dear Whiskey,

I don't like thinking of you as a man. At all. I prefer to think of you as a MILF, even though, to my knowledge, you don't have MILF certification (unless cats count). But if you WERE a MILF, you'd be so totally MILFy.

My GOD! Mickey Rourke is Michael Myers?!

Oh and btw, my word verification for this comment is "MILF."

surviving myself said...

I think I'd like to hang out with this Jamesonmorty Von Penispants person - he seems like a cool dude.

Tell him to page me, will you?

Gretta said...

Sister, your darling little features could not possibly translate into "man".

But please post more Clive Owen photos.

taxman said...

Whiskey, as far as I can tell, you are Moe Wanchuk. At the very least, you are the female version of Moe. The big manly hands and high heels make it a dead giveaway.

minijonb said...

damn, i wish i looked more like Clive Owen.

3vil gEnius said...

You have made me feel very confused about my own sexuality.

Fran said...

Stay girl, but keep them guessing!!

pistols at dawn said...

Eh, I'd do him. But I'm not picky.

Moe Wanchuk said...

Hey WMVPP....I just called my mom and asked her if I had a long lost twin sister. She said..."Honey...I guess I should tell you this.....I'm not your mom"

Moe..."oh...I always wondered why I'm not black...and can't jump"

McGone said...

I could totally see Tammie wanting to make out with Jamesonmorty Von Penispants.

elizabeth said...

Oh, Whiskey.

We are so alike in some ways, it's reassuring that we are both, in fact, female. I too enjoy a stiff cocktail (Manhattans in the winter, Vespers in the summer) and am not the biggest fan of cuddling post-coitus. Though I loathe most white wine, I will admit to the occassional Cosmopolitan. But you know what? We both make much hotter women than men, so let's just be awesome broads and let the others quiver in our wake. That way we can be like Clive Owen and have him too. ;-)

Landis said...

i'd do you with or without facial hair. just sayin.

Katrin said...

Don't become a man. Please. It's not worth it. You look like a mean old thug with too much hair as a man. :)

gorillabuns said...

If you do become a man, please lose the facial hair.

Renaissance Woman said...

That's a lot of hair. I think you are better off as a woman. And I think that searching for the remote, eating a sandwich is the perfect ending to sex. So maybe we are all men. God help us!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Ahhhh! Nick Nolte! Is he on the loose again?

Stefanie said...

Based on that list, I might be a man, too. Recently I took one of those silly meme quiz things online on this very topic, though, and it turns out I'm 62% female. Apparently I'm not so male after all.

CDP said...

You are entirely too clean and pretty to be a man.

Stacey said...

I'm now questioning if I wasn't born in the wrong body...oh wait I kinda like having boobs

dguzman said...

Other than not having the manly hands, I could be a guy too. I definitely do all the other stuff, AND I can watch (and understand) sports.

Holy shit.

Dr Zibbs said...

How can anyone not always be thinking about squirrels? This post must be made up.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Mmmmmm, pretty smelling girls.

Miss Awesome said...

You're one of the hottest Amish men I've ever seen.

Beth said...

"# When you're going on and on about that one thing I won't remember anyways...I'm probably thinking about the cats and how cute they are. That, or Clive Owen humping me."

I too think about cats and how cute they are. Either that or Edward Norton and the possibility that he'd be a more suitable father for my child than Mark Wahlberg.

WendyB said...

Girl, you need to shave!

boredmando said...

Man hands are much better than gnome hands. I have friends whose index finger is the same length or shorter than my pinky. Totally freakish. PLUS, with man hands, if someone were to let you have a handful of candy, you would get more than the freaks with the gnomes. Huzzah!!

Also, be glad you have man hands and not man feet. My size 11ish shoe box feet fit into NOTHING.

domboy said...

I'd choose Mickey Rourke any day of the week, I don't care what anyone says.

Tanya Kristine said...

my god you're my twin.