Friday, June 20, 2008

The one where I start stealing my neighbor's cats.

I've been walking to work this week, despite the 80+ degree temps that, though mild for many of you southern folk, tends to make me sweat in places that I didn't even think sweating was possible- like my eyelids and belly button. It's nice out, I walk to work, dammit. I don't make the rules, but I'll be damned if I'll break them.

I usually follow a bike path situated along the fence that runs down 35E. This is a nifty little path that, on my bike, gets me downtown in about 6 minutes. Next time I'm spending an afternoon drinkin' on the patio of the Liffey, I know how I'm getting home. This path is REALLY secluded at points, and more than once I have run into meth heads perparing to have some sort of meth fest in the woods. I have also encountered snakes, low-flying birds, snooty "bikers" in their totally gay spandex shorts, several dead squirrels and more empty booze bottles than I could count (none mine, thank you very much.) But, it's shady and makes the journey to work so quick that I would be embarrassed if I didn't walk.

Coming home last night, I was about 4 blocks from my house when I spy something familiar: a black cat scurrying across the sidewalk. "Funny..." I thought. "That kind of looks like one of my cats."
The thought then crossed my mind that one of my furry prisoners had possibly escaped- visions of cat-exploring and bird carcasses dancing like butterflies in their little brain. I like to think that they would set up their own little fiefdom and rule with a gentle but firm hand, making sure that no cat, whether they be a stray or a pampered Persian, goes without Friskies and a friendly daily butt-sniff. I like to think that I'm not a freak and thinking about these things is normal, so humor me.

The cat in question had darted under someone's porch. I had a bad feeling about this situation, so I stopped by the house and started meowing/calling to the cat. I heard a faint little "mew", but no sign of the inky dark kitty.
"That's not your cat, silly. Go home" I thought.
I walk in the house and the Mr. comes bounding down the stairs. "Trouble got out. I can't find him."
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Instantly I blamed the Mr, which seemed perfectly reasonable to me.

I started mentally filing for divorce as I tossed my bag down, started hyperventilating and ran back out the door.

"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Fuck!"
The Mr. looked sheepish. I don't handle this stuff well. My poor little guy, out there all alone...
Who will give him squishy food, I asked myself. WHO WILL GIVE HIM SQUISHY FOOD???? CAN"T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE SQUISHY FOOD????????????????????

O.k, so I REALLY don't handle this sort of stuff well.

So, I ran back (flailing or freak-out running might be better terms) to where I saw the black cat.
"Meow, meow, meow" I called to the porch. God, I was talking to a porch. What a tard.

Five minutes of meowing, crawling around on my hands and knees in a stranger's front yard and mentally signing the divorce papers in my head later, I see a black furry face appear.
I gingerly approached the beast and noticed he didn't have a collar on. Bad Trouble! You escaped your collar too? You're a crafty one- that's for sure, you little scamp.

The cat hopped up the stairs of the neighboring house and began meowing. I hurried up to him and went to pick him up to smother him with kisses and take him home.
About half of a second before I scooped him up, I realized that this cat was fatter than Trouble. Too late.
I had him in my arms and realized that "Shit!" "This isn't my cat!"

Just then the front door opened and a startled-looking woman appeared.

"Um, Mycat'smissingandIthoughtthiswasmycatbutit'snotmycatandI'm

She looked at me and testily says: "No, that's not your cat." as she grabbed him out of my arms and quickly ducked into her house.
As she was closing the door I tried to get a plea in. "My cat got out. If you see him, he's wearing a skull and crossbones collar..."

She looked horrified.

"Um, thanks." I mumbled. Door slams.


We found the little turdlet safe and sound at the next-door neighbors, tucked percariously under a scratchy shrub.

All is well with the world. And after a stern talking-to about actually watching the cats when they go outside, I've decided to give the Mr. another chance. But he's on thin ice, that one. I think he owes me something either sparkly or boozy for my pain and suffering.

Well, pain and suffering and the fact that I am now going to be regarded in my neighborhood as a cat thief. A drunk, meowing, watering the plants in my pajamas, singing to myself cat thief.


Happy friday, my fuzzy little free-roaming turdlets. Happy Friday.



L Sass said...

Poor kitty! I'm glad he got home safe and sound!

kilax said...

Cat Theif! ha ha! What a funny story. My husband and I have an on-going joke that I stole our cat. My friend found him as a stray in Iowa. He had no front claws, was plump, and friendly. He kept going to her house every night, she knew we wanted a gray cat, so we took him to the humane society. His owners (if they exist!) had a week to find him while he stayed there.

Now he lives in IL with us. Their loss. I can't imagine abandoning such a sweet kitty, but the must have. Otherwise they would have realized to look for him at the shelter... right? Right?! ;) I'm not a theif!

3carnations said...

I'm glad your cat's safe, but how funny that the lady thought there was a catnapper on the loose...and standing on her porch. That's why she should keep her cat inside...You know, unless HER husband accidentally let the cat out, too. ;)

Fran said...

You have just described one of my greatest fears!

You know, running into meth heads on the path...

Kidding. Seriously, whenever I see a cat that even remotely looks like mine in the 'hood, my tummy lurches.

Glad all are reunited and with love and that you did not have to steal your neighbor's pussy. Oops I mean cat.

Kate said...

Two things:
1) My friend stole a cat that she found on her doorstep, and hasn't given it back. It's been about five years now.

2) You are not the only one who thinks about those things. Remember this?

How did these two dogs manage to bend the chain link and break out on the same day? Did they bark escape plans back and forth? Why didn't they spring the third hound, Nameless Crazy Dog, and take off for pheasant country in South Dakota? Free to roam the land, they could have been heroes for all of the world's underused/kennel-bound hunting dogs!

Yeah. I think about that stuff too.

diatribes and dish said...

Lolita, my turdlet, tries to get out all the time. Drives my sweetie NUTS. If it weren't for his love for me, that turdlet would've been toast by now.

boredmando said...

My friend was cat sitting once, and a bunch of us were over, and of course, at one point in the night, she realizes the cat got outside. So there is a good 5 or 6 of was chasing this orange cat we thought was the missing cat around the neighbourhood for at least 30 - 45 minutes, when someone finds the cat is still inside. So I got scratched by a random cat for no reason. Hurrah!

John said...

YAY! I love happy endings. : ))

Happy weekend to YOU deserve a great one!

Love from VA

nancypearlwannabe said...

I'm glad you found Mr. Kitty, but it is TOO hilarious that you attempted kidnapping your neighbor's cat in the process.

surviving myself said...

I often find myself taking to porches/street signs/doors when I have consumed, "an inappropriate amount of alcohol," so don't feel too badly about doing it.

Sornie said...

At least when you're doing chores drunk, you have the sense to be sporting pajamas. SOme of us lack that kind of foresight.

Elise said...

Oh that was a funny one. The main thing I would like to know is what in the hell is wrong with your neighbor? If someone would have come up to my house, trying to steal one of my cats and then, upon being caught, sheepishly put my cat down and hastily explained themselves, I think I would not be able to keep myself from cracking up.

Maybe I need to move down the street? The 80 degree temps are definitely sweetening the deal.

Lara said...

I think "turdlet" might be my new favorite name to call people. I just tried it out on my co-worker. He wasn't amused.

Suze said...

I did that once. Exchange cats for boyfriends though. Happy Friday Wanna-be Kitty Kidnapper.

rcubed said...

Ha ha, I LOVE that you went from no cats to full on crazy cat lady in such a short time. I also water the flowers in my pjs and wander the neighborhood meowing and calling for my cats when they get out. Awesome.

domboy said...

How's Mr WM at construction? Maybe his punishment could be to build a handy cellar/dungeon to keep the cats secure?

TwistedNoodle said...

I'm so happy to hear that you found your Mr. Troubles. I'd had done the same thing you did and not thought twice about it. And that lady seems to NOT have compassion for her fellow cat owner to even have one herself since she wouldn't even hear you out and was so rude as to shut the door on you. She should have understood how frantic you were. Some people. What a beotch!

Courtney said...

Turdlet twice in one post. Nice!

You should have just said to the lady, "I'm looking for Trouble." I wonder what she would have said? :)

Renaissance Woman said...

Poor kitty! My cat got out a couple of years ago and I freaked out! When I finally found him it was dark, cold and I was trying to be gentle. Just when I reached down to grab him...claws came out and he attacked me. I ran back into the clawing my face and blood dripping! Got you got everybody home safe and you are keeping Mr. around for awhile!

EmBee said...

Whiskeymarie... Giving the term 'Cat Burglar' a whole new name!

Letty Cruz said...

I'd go back there under the cover of night and rescue that fat cat from that hissy, cheap ass, no-cat-collar-buying scrag.

Yes, it's my heavy menstrual day.

kirby said...

Jeez, what's up with your cat lady neighbor? It's not like you were lighting the pentagram and sharpening the knives.

Gwen said...

Whew! So glad you found the little turdlet. I hate that panicky, sweaty "OMG my baby's gone!" empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. After reading the next post I guess I know how you celebrated his rescue.

tobacco brunette said...

Glad he's safe again!

When we moved from Maine to Philly, I had to leave before my husband to start my new job. It was his job to pack up the house and move all our shit to Philly. He arrived in the U-Haul and I noticed only one cat carrier on the passenger seat. I said, "You put BOTH cats in one carrier???" I was freaking out, certain that they'd killed each other. He said, "Calm down honey, they're not both in there...I forgot Zuma."

Luckily our friend found the poor thing in our yard and we got her back. She hasn't really been the same ever since.

Iheartfashion said...

I've been there!

Lollie said...

Lollie said...

dammit - too long - how do you make a link in these comments? Did this work?

dguzman said...

So glad to know that I'm not the only one who can go from sleeping to hyperventilating if I even THINK that one of the babies has escaped. They're all HIV+, see, and we live right by the road where cars go like 75mph, and they've never been outside, and and and...

calming down now.

Glad you found your turdlet!

Mel O said...

OMG!! Waaaay too funny. I could totally picture myself doing the same damn thing. I always think my kitty got out when I see an orange cat run by. I swear I can be 15 miles from home but I always think what IF IT IS him?! WHAT IF! You have only proven that I simply need to check every single time! lol!