Thursday, October 11, 2007

May the shame monkey visit your home often.

Tripping + falling + uttering inappropriate expletives + talking to myself + thinking the car is in reverse when it's really in drive + food in my teeth + reading trashy pulp like Us and People + not washing my hair for loooong periods of time + getting accidentally drunk + wearing inappropriate clothing + eating Ruffles and Top the Tater in vast amounts and often + wine-stained teeth and + occasionally, forgetting my lines


Things I should probably get embarrassed about, but don't.

I do not embarrass easily. Not these days anyway. As an adult I have learned to embrace that which makes me-
As an adult.

I think this complete and utter lack of shame stems from my childhood- a time filled with so much shame and humiliation that I don't think it would even fit in even the most spacious of psyches.

As I've mentioned before, we weren't exactly "affluent" when I was growing up. I almost never had any of the cool clothes or stuff that the other kids had. You had Kangaroo tennies? I had Roopocket tennies from Kmart. You had Guess jeans? I had Whatthefuckarethose jeans. You had a satellite dish and a remote-controlled t.v? We had four channels and a "remote" that consisted of me getting up off the couch to change the damn channel.

Rusty, broken-assed cars, junk in the yard, hand-me-down clothes, a bad perm, growing freakishly tall by the sixth grade, having boobs by the fifth, hee-haw relatives, bologna sandwiches, grocery store-brand pop, no-name kool-aid, clearance underwear and drunk family gatherings that always ended with inanimate objects getting shot really, really, REALLY didn't help the situation.

I lived in constant fear that my classmates would notice these things- that my jeans, shoes and well, everything wasn't the same as theirs. Sometimes they didn't, but mostly they did.
Some of you may remember the first time legwarmers were in style? I was in the sixth grade, and it was winter. All the girls had cute ones they had bought at Maurice's or Deb, or Stuart's. I begged and begged, and eventually all of my wishes came true- sort of.
Instead of being pink and purple and blue like everyone else's, and obviously store-bought, mine were beige, blue and mustard gold. And hand made- the horror! They were hideous.
But, my grandma had felt bad for me, so she knit me a pair in what she approximated were our school colors. I knew it was a nice, sweet, loving gesture, but I also knew that the minute I wore them I would be socially crucified.
So I did, and I was. It was mortifying in a way that only a gangly, dorky 12 year-old can be mortified.

Multiply this scenario by like, 10,573, and you get a sense of my early adolescence.

I'm no Psychaiatristdoctorperson, but I'm pretty sure I used up most of my shame reserves during those years, leaving the coffers nearly empty.

And for this, I am glad.

Shame and humiliation wastes so much energy and time. I need all the time I can get to do things like write blog posts about my ovaries. I need all of the energy I have to "re-enact" what I imagined happed this week on "Dancing with the stars", as I have never actually seen the show. My version involves sort of a hybrid breakdance/rhumba/Flashdance montage- am I close?

So...the point I have yet to come to here is this:

It's REALLY hard to embarrass me. Really.

And I was tagged by the lovely, smart and accordion-playing Ms. Feisty to pick five songs that I'm kind of embarrassed that I like.

So sit back, pour yourself a nice cognac, put your feet up and prepare to be dazzled...

The top 5 songs I love (way) more than I should
(with video links, in case you don't know- as the case often is- what the hell I'm talking about):

#1) "All out of love" by Air Supply. I know all of the words to this song. All of them. I sing it so loud in my car when it's on that dogs a mile away start barking. For this, I should be a little bit embarrassed.

#2) "Xanadu" by Olivia Newton-John. It's totally one thing to love the ELO songs from this wonderful roller-disco epic, as I do (shout out to Mr. Lynne, alive and well). But to love this song as much as I do, well...not so much.

#3) "Bust a Move" by Young MC. I don't know if they still do it, but Grandma's Sports Garden in Duluth used to have an 18-and-up dance night that we went to ALL. THE. TIME. This song was on mine & my roommates regular rotation for our pre-game party at our apartment.

#4) "Kids in America" by Kim Wilde. I used to play this really loud in my bedroom and dance like Molly Ringwald did in the Breakfast Club.

And finally, one that I really, really, really, AM embarrassed about. Seriously. You can think less of me for this one- I'd understand. I can't explain it either. I'm as horrified as you are. Feel free to delete me from your computer.
Here it is...
#5) This.

I need to go and wash it off now. Sorry.

Try and remember that true love is unconditional. UNCONDITIONAL!


CDP said...

Awesome post. I too wore Whatthefuckarethose jeans, and at the HEIGHT of the Gloria Vanderbilt/Jordache/Sassoon craze. My husband LOVES Air Supply...not just All out of Love, but ALL of it, and there is just no way to embarrass him. I CAN be embarrassed, however, so if you happen to find my iPod, you should know that my HUSBAND downloaded all the Air Supply, NOT ME. Thank you.

Whiskeymarie said...

Yeah, sure...your HUSBAND. (wink)

Stacey said...

Just when I think I can't love you anymore you post this.

Agreed on the embarassment...who the hell has time for embarassment. Laugh at me if you must. I have other things to worry about.

And while Sexyback is a bit overplayed...I'd be lying if I said there weren't other JT songs that I dig!

Hey and you forgot Keep on Loving you by Reo Speedwagon. I can't help it, it comes on and I just gotta listen.

Whiskeymarie said...

Other WM- I know about the Sexyback thing! It's that much more embarrassing that I hear it while I'm shopping at the Mall of America, buying groceries, eating at Chuck E. Cheese...
I try to hate it, but it just loves me so darn much.

MommasWorld said...

I have to admit to knowning all of those songs. The JT song...well, I didn't know about that one until my 8 yr old started singing it! She heard it enough on the school bus to learn all the words.

I am teaching her some pop Japanese songs. When her teachers hear her singing these from time to time at least they wont give me dirty looks. Why? Because they wont know what the heck she is singing.

MommasWorld said...

woops! I thought these were two seperate posts.

Minus the shooting, family gatherings and being mortaly wounded by all peers we had the same childhood.

3carnations said...

Jeans? The only jeans I remember in junior high were pink with flowers and solid green. Lest you wonder, no, those were not the fashion. Who would have thought that not fitting in during our teenage years would serve us so well later in life. I bet the cool kids are now socially awkward, self conscious and still spending way too much on clothes. Get over it cool girls. :)

Gretta said...

I stopped reading close to the top. I was told there'd be no math with this blog-reading business.

Ghost Dansing said...

a very nice selection of songs..... i liked them very much. no one ever speaks about the monsters

nancypearlwannabe said...

There is no shame in loving the JT. And the best day of junior high was wearing the one pair of Z. Cavariccis that my Mom bought me for my birthday one year.

LAME! And yet, I still remember feeling proud, like I accomplished something by wearing them.

feisty said...

She's dressed in yellow,
she says 'Hello,Come sit next to me you fine fellow'
You run over there without a second to loose, and what comes next,
hey bust a move"

ahahhhh ooooh.

thanks for the laugh- i promise not to tease you!

abbersnail said...

My Song Of Shame is J.T.'s "What Goes Around."

Jeebus, I cannot get enough. What is wrong with me???

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Wow, you had the female version of my adolesence. If someone was not bleeding, crying, knifed, shot,or dead drunk by sundown on every holiday or family reunion then something was horribly wrong.

BigBottomMcGee said...

Can I be you for a year? And, is fear of looking stupid pretty much the same as embarrassment?

Suze said...

Oh I love me some Air Supply. I'll never be "all out of love" for you WM. I too sing it loud and sing it proud.

My other love song is:

Go, shorty it's your birthday.
We gonna party like it's your birthday. We gonna sip Bacardi like it's your birthday.
And you know we don't give a f*?@ cus it's your birthday...

Great 50 cent and Air Supply in one post. I'm pathetic.

Wide Lawns said...

Maybe you can answer this burning question I've had for a while.

Who exactly is it that "don't know how to act?"

I can't understand the words.

JRE Writes said...

love this post! and seriously, as someone who has just recently come out from under a big old country rock, i have to say that JT does it for me too! In that one song (see I'm so unhip I don't even kwow the title) about "she's freaky and a I like it" I love, love, love when he says, "hot Damn." If I still had a record player, I would just keep moving the needle back over and over so I could hear that.

TwistedNoodle said...

Since everyone is fessing up, I'll cop to the fact that I was into All Out of Love. I also had the leg warmers. Mine were golden brown and I wore them proudly to death. When I was in high school, Levi cords were the thing. We were too poor so I had to save all my babysitting money to buy my own or settle for the nasty shit my mom brought home from Mammoth Mart. She had the worst taste in clothing too. For St. Patties Day she bought me this hideous lime green, polyester dress that had an ugly lacy collar with a matching green belt with rhinestones in the shape of a clover. I cried and refused to wear it. And seriously, she couldn't understand why I didn't like the dress. I made her promise never to pick out my clothes ever again.

Whiskeymarie said...

momma-trust me, anything in Japanese would be better than JT's lyrics. Seriously. And I think all bloggers had a version of the same childhood. It's why we all get along. ;)

3carn- The only pair of "expensive" jeans I ever got were a pair of floral Gasoline brand jeans. I felt so bad, because I knew how much they cost, that I wore them all the time, even though I didn't like them. Boys liked my booty in them though, so it all worked out in the end.

TG- 3+6 X7 +29 x 1.5% = ?

GD- I love Annie Lennox- so cool.

NPW- I never had the Cavariccis. I had Bonnaduccis instead. Is that the same?

Feisty- I sense you share the love for the Young MC. You want it, you got it...

Abbs- I know, that's why I felt safe unveiling my shameful love. I know you feel my pain. I like that "what goes around", or whatever, song too. A lot. I am unclean...

Monkey- You are my long lost monkey brother. How sad for you.

BBMG- Yes, you can. Start building a tolerance for Whiskey and Vodka now. And, I like my jeans reeeeaaaalll tight- hope you do too...

Suze- I believe 50 cent and Air Supply released a single. It's called "I'm all outa bullets for my bitches."
Check it out sometime.

Subservient- I think the word here is "mothertruckers".
Yes, mothertruckers.

SecretMom- I wish I knew what song that was too! I'll be looking for it tonight, unless I get too tired from the whiskey...

Twisted- this is why you are my sister. Seriously. We were separated in the 70's sometime. You were taken for subversive "family" experiments, I was taken for subversive "Cheerios" experiments. It all worked out in the end though, didn't it?

Nature Girl said...

OMG...I think I love you even more for all of those confessions but that last one. That last one though? Didn't make me love you any less. I'll overlook it. I might even tap my foot a bit if I hear it...but you'll never catch me admitting that I like that one. Never. I will never admit it. I will however confess this. I grew up in EXACTLY the same environment you did. In described my handknit leg warmers to a T! The thing is...I am still mortally embarrassed by every little thing, though I am getting a bit better about it with my old age creeping in the way it is...
and Air Supply..yeah...singing right along with you girlfriend!
oh and the getting drunk and wearing inappropriate clothing..I don't do that. I don't own any inappropriate clothing..I'm too embarrased to by it, and thats just sad don't ya think?

Stefanie said...

I'm more embarrassed to admit that that's the first time I've heard that song. (I'm well aware of the title and the phenomenon, but I just somehow never managed to catch an actual clip of it.)

lizgwiz said...

Well, I still love you, but it was close there for a moment. ;)

I'm soooo glad that I made it out of the "Oh my god I have to look just like everyone else" phase of my life. If only someone could tell our miserable prepubescent selves that someday we'll be happy to have our very own sense of style! But we'd never have listened.

Freida Bee, MD said...

When I was in 5th grade I was getting my boobies, but not wearing a bra yet and had one of those shirts that ties together the front and back of a tank top and have no idea how long it had been that way but looked down (cause I was invariable doing sportish things then) and one shoulder's straps were untied and my whole breast exposed. I thought I was going to die or, actually, died a little then.

Giving birth in front of a team of midwives in training and the guy that lived down the road years later, nothing compared. That's what those experiences did to to my adult shame, made it seem ridiculous.

Oh, and I have a major crush on Salt-n-Peppa's "Push It".

Butrfly Garden said...

I loved the Scrubs episode where they kept running into Young MC (maybe it was a fake? I don't remember) and all he'd say is, "Bust A Move!"

Yeah, I have pictoral evidence that I had one of those really groovy shirts from K-mapart that LOOKS like it has a vest, but SURPRISE! It's just sewn on to the shirt! And only in the front!

It won't let me go to the video (stupid work) but judging from the comments, it's SexyBack. I admit to loving that song, too. There are times when lyrics don't mean much because the music is so awesomely awesome. This is one of those times.

Nocturnal said...

Kids In America, thanks for reminding me; I *love* that song not to mention Kim Wilde. ;)

Nice choices.


Kate said...

I am so late on this comment, but holy hell, did we grow up in the same family? For example, a teenage Miss Kate decided that she wanted to throw a post-football game party (with parental supervision) for her fellow cheerleaders and football players. Miss Kate's dad decided that a bonfire would be a perfect time to burn the scrap wood that he had scavenged from tearing down a quail pen (long story, SERIOUSLY). So Miss Kate's bonfire was filled with airborne buring quail poop.


My sister could relate even more, as her car was a 1970 Dodge Dart with a missing passenger floor. FLOOR. Just a rusted out spot and dirt clouds.

But my sister survived and we have celebrated our weirdness by listening to her ON-J greatest hits album every time we are together. ESPECIALLY Xanadu.

EmBee said...

Perfect post for the day I went jeans shopping... I purchased 4 pairs of 'St. John's Bay aka JC Penny's aka WTF are those jeans'... Remembering back way back when to my formative years when EVERYONE wore Ditto's brand I wore Sears Toughskins... Oh, the humiliation... Today however, I'm a stronger person because of it... Well, at least that's what I told 'em over at the AA meeting.

P.S. Seriously wanna have a dance party at your house someday.

Anonymous said...

Miss Kate - I had the SAME car. We called it the Fred Flintstone Mobile. It was a green, 4 door, 1972 Dodge Dart. I bought it for $500, never changed the oil once, and sold it for $500. Man, I loved that car.

I had the same violent alcoholic holiday melee call the cops oops Mom is bleeding kid's crying dog barking childhood. It wasn't a holiday until the police arrived...good times, good times. No wonder I have two dogs, no kids.