Friday, October 5, 2007
On the non-existent fruit of my womb.
About this baby thing...
I'm sorry, I don't want one.
Wait- no, I'm not one bit sorry.
Here's the deal:
Once I reached the ripe old age of 23 and started realizing that this dating thing could lead to more serious endeavors such as nuptials and procreation, I made a few decisions.
The first such decision was that if I happened to get "accidentally" pregnant I would seriously consider going through with it. (no reproductive rights debates here, please. You can have any opinion on this you wish, I just won't discuss/debate it here or now. The end.)
By "accidentally" I meant that if I happened to trip and fall into a penis and I happened to be feeling fertile and nature took its course...well, you know how this works by now, I hope.
At 23, when you think you're old and wise and are already so DONE with everything- and that's when one tends to make these sort of grandiose, sweeping decisions.
Other than a few anxious near-misses involving late menses, discount pregnancy tests and maybe me having bad aim peeing into the minuscule cup that (at the time, pre-pee stick) was provided, no such accidents occurred. Whew.
The other decision I made was that, should this "accident" never happen and I were to actually go on and live a child-free existence, I would refuse to take any shit from anyone about my decision.
So, I'm not taking any shit about the barren, rocky wasteland that is my reproductive system anymore. I'm sick to death of the pitying looks- like I really want one but have been unable to and I must be masking my disappointment with denial. Nope. I feel for anyone who really wants a child and it isn't happening for some reason- I really do. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.
I just don't feel the same way.
When total strangers will rudely ask me why I don't have kids yet (generally after they have rudely asked me my age) I usually get "that look". The disbelieving look. That why would I deny myself this glorious and (I'm sure- thank you Mom, without you the mess that is me wouldn't be possible) truly rewarding endeavor look.
When I say "I just don't want kids", they generally launch into the sales pitch of why now would be an excellent time to change my mind ("You're not getting any younger, you know"). it's like they're trying to sell me a used, only slightly rusty car. "You'll love it- really it's hardly any maintenance at all! Sure, it needs a new paint job, new brakes and a new engine, but let me tell you little lady, this little beauty will give you years and years of happiness if you maintain it properly. And you know- you're not getting any younger..."
Or, I get the look like I must be a former hooker and crack addict and that's why I don't have any children- obviously my pimp took the 14 I had in the past away from me and sold them to the highest bidder. Yes, that's exactly it. My ovaries have been depleted and my body so ravaged that if I tried to conceive one more time I would give birth to something that resembled Milton Berle and E.T. with Britney Spears' intellect. Yup.
Or, I get the look like I'm some angry, mean child-hater. Like I kick puppies for fun.
Not even close. Kids loooove me. I will never understand why, but they do. They cling to me like I was made of gummy bears and unicorns. I figure maybe kids have a sense for people like me- they can smell my lack of maternal instinct and figure I'm an easy mark. I am. I love spoiling your kids and giving them toys that both make noise and make messes. Hahahahahaha!
I like kids. I do.
I especially like them in the post-baby years, around ages 2-8. They are frustrating and difficult, but damn they're cute, funny and charming.
Don't mistake this for wanting them though.
What I want is to travel more.
What I want is to have my free time be my own.
What I want is to buy more art.
What I want is to re-decorate my house.
What I want is to explore the hobbies that interest me.
What I want is to have the pitying, sad, disdainful and sometimes angry looks stop.
Am I being selfish? Maybe, but...
I don't give a shit if I am- it's my decision.
Have a great weekend, my little fluffer nutters.
Go out and don't give a shit about something just for me.