Monday, October 8, 2007

Can you keep a secret? I can't either.

Every week I go on over to Post Secret and let myself in on the rest of the world's dirty little secrets. I can't help myself.
Some of the secrets are scandalous, some are sad, and some make me giggle because I love when karma bites someone in the ass. I love being a voyeur into other (normal in a way like you or I are "normal") peoples' deep, dark inner stuff.

So, what about this secret thing?

I have secrets. You have secrets. We all have secrets. Everyone. If you say you don't, you're a liar. Everyone has something they don't want ANYONE to know- not your best friends, not your significant other, not even your doctor (remember when you told her about that rash on know? Remember??!?)

In my 29 years of life, I have learned that there are some people I can trust with classified information, and there are some that I shouldn't really tell anything.
I'll tell you what, when everyone and their mother knows that you farted in your sleep with that one guy that one time, well- it's time to rethink who you share your secret bits with, that's all I'm sayin'...

I have one friend I adore. I would walk across hot coals to get her an ice cold frappuccino if she asked. I would drive her to California on a moments notice just because she wanted a picture of David Hasselhoff's star on the walk of fame, if she asked. I would donate my pinky toe if she desperately needed a pinky toe transplant, if she asked.

But if she asks me about anything too personal and/or potentially juicy, well there is where I draw the line. This girl can't keep a secret any longer than it takes her to reach in her purse and pull out her cell phone. Tell her about that night with the circus clowns and the thong and the ouzo shots...well, within 20 minutes it will be in your FBI file in Quantico. I love her, but I wouldn't trust her with knowing who my favorite Brat Packer was (it was James Spader), let alone that thing that happened last September- you know the one... thing.

Other people, like my gals Blondie, Waffle and Hotpants (mostly. sometimes Ms. Pants can't help herself. Who can? I totally understand), are a different story. I can trust them with the details of that one weekend, with the dress, and the shots, and the cab ride to that place, and the such and such. With them, my secrets are like Condi Rice's pants- zipped up Reeeaaaly nice and secure. Ain't no one gettin' in there. No sir.

How am I with secrets, you ask?

My own, not so good. Give me a few glasses of wine and I'll tell you about the one time I cut myself "mowing the lawn", if you catch my drift. (wink)
Share a cocktail and a cheese plate with me and before the night is through you'll know my pin number, my pants size and the penis size of every guy I ever dated. And, if you're lucky I'll tell you about the first time I lost my virginity.
I am weak, with these secrets of mine.

But if you're my friend, and you have the questionable judgment to share a secret with me- well, you may be surprised.
I'm pretty good at keeping these things mum.
That weird sex thing you like that no one else does? Zip.
That time you threw up Jim Beam and skittles in the grocery store bathroom? Nuh uh.
The time you got arrested for having sex in the park with that 19-year old carnie? Well, o.k, that one I couldn't resist. Sorry. Carnies!!!

But, for the most part, your secret is safe with me.

Just don't expect me to tell you about that weekend I had with the Italian racecar driver, the monkey and the tire swing.

That's my little secret, and I'm not telling anyone.

Want to go and get a glass of wine? Maybe a martini?
Did I ever tell you about that one time I met an Italian racecar driver...?


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

You swore that swing story was our secret!

Rebecca said...

I can keep a secret - as long as I'm alone and haven't had any wine.

Nature Girl said...

if there is only one thing in this world I am good at, it's keeping a secret. There are things I know about people that I've known for years and years and no matter how hard you try, you can't drag it out of me. No matter how drunk I get..never. I don't have anyone in my life that I trust that much. Well...maybe one person, but I'm not telling who. That's a secret. ;P
I love post secret it every week. It gives me hope for the human race most times, but just makes me shake my head...

McGone said...

On a tangent, I would totally watch a TV show called "Blondie, Waffle and Hotpants." It sounds like a cop show from the 70s about 3 girls who go undercover as hookers.

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

yeah, i'm way worse with my own secrets than anyone else's. ply me with a bit of wine and you'll know almost anything you want (or didn't want) to know about me. i am much better at keeping the secrets of others.

Suze said...

If you tell me about the race car driver, I will tell you about the Jim Beam incident in the bathroom that involved a wedding proposal. Ugh!

Stacey said...

29 years ? Uhhh don't make me reveal the truth about that.

I'm good with most secrets...unless they are too too juicy...then I just spill them to hubby who I know is incredibly tight lipped.

But yeah...give me a little wine and I'll tell you how I secretly have a pair of pants with the ass cheeks cut out know the Prince was sporting a few years back.

-R- said...

I am actually working on being a better secret keeper. I am good about keeping my friends' secrets, but not so much my own.

Lollie said...

Low importance secrets slip out of me like a fat man full of Olestra.

High importance secrets...stacked three high in the back caves of my brain.

Butrfly Garden said...

I'm sorta iffy, I must admit. If it's like, 'HAVE TO keep this a secret' type stuff, I can. Hell, I had a secret life for a while there. But if something is just scandelous and juicy, I have to tell someone. I usually tell The Man because most of the stuff I tell him doesn't stick in his brain.

Katrin said...

Everybody farts in their sleep.

CDP said...

I love Post Secret (I discovered it here, actually).
The Skittles and Jim Beam thing...that was ONE TIME, for cryin' out loud!

MommasWorld said...

I cannot think of a secret I have that I do not want anyone to know. I am 40 years old. Pretty much do not care what others think so I hide nothing. OH I just thought about something. Ok I now have a secret and it is shameful.

I can keep a secret if it is not mine.

Gretta said...

I heart WhiskeyMarie AND Suzel for mentioning my boyfriend, Jim Beam.

And, if my friends grab me by the shoulders and give me a stern look, while saying "You CANNOT TELL ANYONE this story", then I will usually keep it quiet.

Without that pre-cursor? It's all fodder for my blog.

Stacey said...

Oh and prawns...the centipedes of the way.

Well but then again you don't like mushrooms either

Did you have a traumatic prawn and mushroom experience that you need to tell me about ?

Ghost Dansing said...


BigBottomMcGee said...

I don't know if I have a secret about myself that I don't want ANYONE to know. That's actually my problem. I'm PRETTY good about keeping others' secrets. I just can't keep secrets about myself!!!

Nocturnal said...

Very cool, people who can keep a secret are rare in this day and age.


EmBee said...

Love Post Secret, in fact it's one of the reasons I look forward to Sundays. As for keeping secrets... I'm pretty good. If a friend tells me something I will tell my husband (who never seems to care too much) and then keep it from the rest of the world, 'Cause I simply have to tell SOMEBODY!

Shannon Erin said...

I have a secret-telling strategy:

Tell two people I love & trust my secret so that if they feel the need to talk about said secret, they can talk to each other.

As far as I know, it's worked like a charm.

Gunfighter said...

I keep secrets Verrry well.

THe next time you are in the DC are, MArie... we should do happy hour!

Oh, did I ever mention that I live less than 5 miles from Quantico?

Cherann said...

my sister in law couldn't keep a secret if you sewed her mouth shut.

I can keep a secret but if you don't specifically tell me that I shouldn't tell anyone...well, that's fair game.

Also, if you don't keep my secrets, I don't keep yours.