Friday, June 22, 2007

Reason #125 why I have no friends.

I have never IM'd.

Nor have I ever sent a text message.

I doubt I ever will. My fingers are way too big for the tiny buttons. It's like a bear typing with mittens on.

But, I have become aware that, unless I want to appear to others as a 79-year old yarn store employee, I may need to at least attempt to figure out what those rotten kids are up to these days.

I am one of those old fogies that generally, unless I'm schnockered, tends to use complete words to speak.
I am somewhat lost in the sea of acronyms used for these baffling forms of communication.

For example:
"OMG, My BFF went HGBK it MMB 2UR LOL 8GUG 2U!!! WTF???

I am ashamed to say I have no idea what most of this crap means.

WTF??? - this one is easy
OMG- got it.
BFF- Shit, this one has been around since, like, 1984.
LOL- At first I thought this one was "lots of luck", so it never made sense.

The rest, well... the rest is gibberish. (Really, it is. I don't even know enough of these to follow through with a proper rant. I made most of this crap up. SHT.)

As I am wont to do, I shall refuse to learn this "language". I am a mover, a shaker, a real "go-getter", if you will. I cannot be bothered with something that is already past it's cool peak.
Move along, you dinosaur and make way for the rocket car!

I have decided to start my own acronym revolution. I predict that within minutes of my hitting "publish", millions, maybe even TENS of people will be speaking my language fluently.

I shall call it "Whiskeymarie's Helpful Acronyms Take The Halting Eloquence From Understanding Conversations Kindly"

Or, WHATTHEFUCK, for short.

Try incorporating these into everyday conversation:

WAMP = Where are my pants?

MOON = Making out on Naugahyde

IFGDT = I'm feeling gamey down there

CY = Check Yo'self

PEE = Pre-Entanglement Engagement

POOP = Precipitation On Ovaries and Pooner

TYTE = Takin' your tits everywhere

MY = Makin' yummers

OY = Over You

FUCK = Funny Underpants you Can't Keep

GAYA = Goin' Atkins on Yo' Ass

Here's some guidance on how to incorporate this futuristic lingo into everyday conversation:

"I know you've got the FUCK and you're TYTE, but I am so OY that I'm GAYA and MOON that this morning I woke up thinking WAMP?

Try it.
Work it into the everyday conversation.

Trust me, it's going to be bigger than the Rubik's cube.


metalia said...

I, um...can't seem to stop laughing. "POOP" is my favorite from your list o' acronyms. Mainly because I love that word.

abbersnail said...

This has made the list of top-five favorite blog entries of all time. I think I peed a little from laughing so hard.

Sandy said...

TYTE is now in my vocabulary.

Clearly you have >3 friends.

Rebecca said...

hee hee hee are a funny funny gal!

Rebecca said...

and you know, because of my nightly MOON I always wake up wondering WAMP and when I eventually find those FUCK I relise IFGDT and don't want to put them back on anyway!

H said...

WAMP! Love it. Flenker will appreciate the WAMP.

This is hilarious.

Butrfly Garden said...

WAMP is my fave, too. Mainly because that's probably the only one I'll be able to remember.

Have you ever heard of Bebo? That's the myspace of the youngin's. I can't understand half of what they say. But that's why they do it. my SIL and I looked into it and it started out as "hacker speak" so people couldn't find their conversations on a search. Now those lazy little shits will never learn to spell.

I gotta admit that I do use some of them. OMG, wth/wtf (depends on situation), ttyl (talk to you later), maybe a couple more.

I love/hate that picture. He's kind of like Ted the lawyer on Scrubs.

Lollie said...


See This Is Why I Visit You Every Day

T said...

I have to disagree about the texting. While not a frequent texter, I find they do come in handy when I need to deliver information and still avoid a long coversation and awkward Minnesota goodbyes.

Kate said...

Any post that includes the word "pooner" will send me into hysteric fits of laughter. LOVE IT.

Kara said...

I already have several situations where I can use GAYA. Thankfully IFGDT isn't necessary at this moment, but I will tuck it away for those times when I would usually reach for the Vagisil, but now can no longer after their insulting commercials.

Flenker said...

WAMP is pretty great. And IMing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Whiskeymarie said...


Oh Mecca Honey, You Made Me Snort A Little There.

To answer- soon, please.

Nocturnal said...

Heh, that was a good laugh. Some of the acronyms I come across makes me shake my head; yours should be adopted instead.


Stacey said...

You better put the copyright infringement thingy on your blog if you haven't already because this is simply brilliant and you don't anyone to jack you for you ideas .

Stacey said...

Oops of course that was supposed to say you don't "want" anyone to jack you for your ideas...

Courtney said...

Well I for LIVE on text messages. So I'll spread the word to my fellow texters. I expect "IFGDT" to big.

LittlePea said...

I do believe you have captured my heart with this one. I am pledging my undying love right now.

IFGDT because of all the FUCK in my apartment dammit. CY for POOP because I may have caught something from the FUCK from last week that I lent you ok?

Jenn in Holland said...

Youch! I am laughing so hard, a little bit of snot got dripped and snorted.
That was freaking hilarious.
Still snorting....

Whiskeymarie said...

Nocturnal & Courtney- feel free to spread the love- this'll be big, I tells 'ya.

Sugar- I'm way o technologically stunted to even attempt emoticons.

Other WM- Done and done.

Pea- You know I heart you too.

Jenn- Always happy to oblige a fellow snorter.

Flenker- I hate as I am not smart enough to figure stuff like this out. I don't even know what all the buttons on my phone mean.

kara- take them, tuck them'll find the appropriate moment to drag them out.

Miss K- take pooner, use it, embrace it.

Maurey- you are way more hip to this stuff than I am. Remember- I'm old and crotchety.

Lollie- You. Are. So. Sweet. (smooch)

Butrfly- I think you'll find that you'll use WAMP quite a bit. Well, at least I do.

H- I was inspired by F for that one...

Rebecca- Way to embrace the lingo!

Sandy- I think TYTE is my favorite. Mostly 'cause I love the word tits.

Abbers- You give me warm fuzzies...

Metalia- I can't think of a reason to not love POOP.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Yeah, the TYTE is going into my vocabulary tonight at the gym. Thanks for that.

Brillig said...


I will do my very best to incorporate this. I really think you're onto something here.

Stacy said...

Oh my dear funny god. I spurted beer all over my laptop (and she liked it, dirty little slut she is).

Where were you like eight years ago? I could have used WAMP a number of times.

ps) nugget o' wisdom recently culled from the mind of Sweet Mecca: saline solution can be used to clean up some IFGDT. Hence, contact solution shall be known as PoonerJuice from here on out.

Whiskeymarie said...

Oh dear Stacy.
You so funny.
Pooner juice.

Butrfly Garden said...

I got to use WAMP this weekend!! (hehe, Kid Free Wknd) Of course, it was verbally, but whatever.

TM: What?
Me: WAMP!? Oh, nevermind! Where are my fucking pants!? Methinks it's time to school you on the WM Lingo!

Whiskeymarie said...

Awesomely awesome, butrfly.

I hate when I lose my pants.
Especially at the grocery store.

Stefanie said...

I'm not averse to the text messaging, but I will not use the silly acronyms. Well, except WAMP. And maybe a few others on your list. Because they are awesome. But when a 38-year-old male included "WIWT" in a text message to me recently and I had to Google it to see what the hell he was saying, I knew the lingo-speak was not for me. I use complete words. T-Mobile T9 language is awesome that way.

Amaya said...

IFGDT??? That is the BEST!
I have a feeling that if I'd been drinking milk while reading this, it would be shooting out my nose.