Thursday, June 28, 2007

"Whoo, whoo..." Pull over. Nerd Police, Ma'am. looks like we're going to have to give you a citation this time...

Reason #1) Today I spent 10 minutes standing perfectly still in my back porch while I waited for the robin that we just recently discovered has built a luxury condo in our cherry tree to eat some sunflower seeds that I dumped on the back sidewalk.

Perfectly still.

When she didn't bite, I figured her supersonic bird beak could smell me, so I quietly went in the house and continued to watch for another 10 minutes. Well, maybe it was 20. Who (with a life, hobbies and pride) can say?

Then I realized (after my 20 minute statue impersonation) that I was angry at the robin. Couldn't she see that I put the seeds there for her and her family???
Couldn't she see that I loved them???
Ungrateful bitch.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, my sweet red-breasted (tee hee) friend. Please don't go.
I love you, little birdy.

Reason #2)
I watched the English-speaking Russian news channel for 2+ hours today, even though I had no fucking Idea what they were talking about (IN ENGLISH) 95% of the time.
Though confused, I still felt so very continental watching it. And smrt.
Oops, I mean s.m.a.r.t.
I'm drinking vodka right now to celebrate my newfound Eurotrashyness.

Reason #3) When I took off my socks today after 6 hours in a hot kitchen, I smelled them.
For no good reason.
They smelled like your grandpa's perpetually single brother "Hank" that always makes too much noise snorting and breathing eating Thanksgiving dinner after 4 brandys.
Yup, kinda like that.
Well, that intensified in a way that only 5 year-old rubber Birkenstock clogs can enhance foot odor.
Like a dog sniffing another dogs butt, I am.

Reason #4) I own rubber Birkenstock clogs. I want to slap me for that one.

Reason #5) I tripped today and instead of looking around embarrassed, I laughed and said to myself, "watch where you're going you stupid clumsy bitch."
Then I sang the reeses peanut butter cup ditty to myself.

Reason #6) I said "Word." As in "To your mother."

We are at nerd terror level chartreuse today, folks.
I'd take an umbrella and a change of underwear with me to work, if I were you...


abbersnail said...

ha! I loved the robin bit.

Also, today I used the word "duh" in a sentence. So I empathize.

Rebecca said...

but I thought you waz dead??

Kate said...

Dude, we are so alike. If we were to socialize in the same building, the nerd level would go to double-chartreuse.

H said...


Yesterday I had to go out to the garage to get my sneakers but I had already put my socks on so I slipped my flip-flops on with my socks. I was wearing my swimming suit, mesh shorts, socks, and flip-flops. It was hot.

Butrfly Garden said...

Haha. I say "word" all the time. I'm trying to bring it back here at work, but the AARP crowd doesn't get it. Maybe I should start using the word TM is trying to bring back - "Gangbusters!" - they'd totally get that.

You forgot about using the thumbs up. :)

And I stare at my yard - wanting to go dig out dandelions. I think I may have you beat on the nerd level there. (Our robin gets sprayed with the hose - I'm not fond of birds in person and he's trying to eat my grass and flower seeds.)

Stacy said...

OMG! I have the same shoes! Can we be friends? Except mine have ORTHOPOEDIC INSERTS and smell like old buttercream frosting and the shit that they "wash" the floors with at work.


Kara said...

I have the Birkenstock clogs, the soles worn through because I have worn them every single day for three years. Shorts? Capris? Egad, skirts? No problem for the Birkenstock clogs (or the fashion disaster who wears them).

PS Robins don't eat sunflower seeds. Try a nice juicy worm next time. I guess that makes me more nerdy than you 'cause I knew that.

Lollie said...

Ahh, The Continental. Love that skit. My friend and I often say to each other upon parting, "No no, don't go, my Wild Eyed Doe!"

We also often say "Word to your Mum." Yeah. We're Canadian nerds.

Anonymous said...

I've been trying to bring back "fresh." Not as in "as a spring breeze" but as in "funky."


Brillig said...

Oh, I love the Continental. And I love your retort to yourself after tripping. That bit's not nerdy, it's brilliant. The rest... well, yeah. A bit nerdy.

MommasWorld said...

That was freaken hillarious! #5 was my FAV!

(came here through The Butrfly Garden)

I will be back :-)

viciousrumours said...

I talk to myself in Wal-Mart...loud enough for others to hear, and if I say something funny, I laugh.

I can randomly quote from obscure movies and literature.

I know why the military salutes.

I can tell most anyone where to find information on how to navigate any and all government agencies with ease.

Oh...and I own 22 different versions of Trivial Pursuit.

Personally, I think we should start a club.

Disco and Dexter - Friends at Best said...

Dude, release your inner nerd! It sounds like you're in denial or something. I'm proud to be nerdy. I too laugh at myself when I trip, feed the alley cats in hopes they'll come to love me not only for food, watch the Spanish network (those game shows are hilarious, I don't care if I can't understand them!!)! Plus, I play World of Warcraft. We're the coolest nerds that exist. Word.

Winter said...


Whiskeymarie said...

W- You say it like it's a dirty, shameful little secret.

O.k, maybe it is...

Jon said...

Wow. Anyone that can pull off the Simpson-Walken-Ice trifecta in one blog post is, in a word, genius.

Whiskeymarie said...

Oh Jon, you make me blush. I am nothing if not a big bucket of odd informational tidbits and left-field pop culture.

Gunfighter said...

You were doing alright until you owned up to owning rubber birckenstock clogs... "word to your mother"



Whiskeymarie said...

Gun- I don't think I've EVER been "all right"

Stefanie said...

Watch out. I think the rubber Birkenstock clogs are a gateway drug to Crocs. And from what I hear, there's no turning back from there.