Thursday, June 14, 2007

Three morsels much like a raised & glazed doughnut - Sweet and delicious, but really not too big on substance.

What we have made in the class I'm teaching right now in the last two weeks:

-4 kinds of sourdough bread
-Chocolate babka
-pizza dough, so it stands to reason- pizzas
-Chocolate-swirl coffeecake
-JalapeƱo cheese bread
-Cheddar potato bread
-Light rye bread
-Carrot-herb bread
-Whole wheat bread


Next week includes, along with about 50 more breads- croissants, danish and more doughnuts.

How will my ass NOT look like two GIANT cream-filled, buttered & taped together breakfast pastries by the end of "The great Carbo load of 2007"?

Two more weeks.
Next summer's class- "Lettuce and turkey 45 ways! The road to emaciation is the road to fun and popularity!"

It's still hotter than the underside of Louie Anderson's balls today, so when I got home from work this afternoon, I put on my favorite summer skirt and a tank top before I went out to water the lawn.
As I am wont to do on these hellish days, I took off my sweaty thong & decided to go commando.
Outside, in the full sun with a hose in my hand, I saw the neighbor boy (15-16ish) tinkering around in his driveway, stealing looks at me. Unfortunately it wasn't in a "hey what a foxy old broad" kind of way, but in a "this may turn me gay" way.


I kind of ignored the fact when I got dressed that this particular skirt is relatively see-through when the sun is shining.
It is, in fact, the reason I started buying nude-colored thongs.

He saw the shadow of the pooner.

Poor boy. Hope this doesn't scar him too badly. Years from now we'll read about him getting arrested for trying to hump his neighbor's Great Dane. Or stealing copies of the AARP magazine for the Betty White photos.

The UPS guy just showed up with 2 packages. Again.

This time, one for me, one for the Mr.

Hello, my name is Whiskeymarie and I am in a dysfunctional codependent internet shopping relationship.

-Long white fitted linen shirt and 2 tank tops from La Redoute for me
-Geeky computer crap (probably a game- "Wizards of the Star Wars conquer Lord men of the Ring Pirate Donkey Donkey Donkey Vice Cities Robot Wars" or something) for him.

God, we are such consumer whores.

Next time anyone spots me with my laptop, a credit card and a glass of wine- please punch me in the face. It would save me a lot of money and trips to the post office returning things like assless chaps that were a "Great deal!!"

That's it, folks.


Brillig said...




Oh, dear WhiskeyMarie, your life never ceases to entertain me. I mean that in the kindest way...

Courtney said...

"shadow of the pooner"


I heart you

thethinker said...

Mmm... that list of food sounds yummyl

Christa said...

i wish i'd thought of the word pooner ... here's me, naively abusing cooter. [not literally]

nancypearlwannabe said...

At least the neighbor boy didn't shout "cougar!" across the street at you. That might have been creepier for the both of you.

Stefanie said...

Ugh. As I sit here sweating in my non-air-conditioned house, I really didn't need the image of Louie Anderson's balls (underside or otherwise). Thanks ever so much for that. I think I need a shower.

Lollie said...

#1) You are making me want to bake my Mom's famous Irish Soda fact I will do just that this weekend. Let's get fat asses together.
#2) I was commando this week in very weird surroundings. I was standing in the hospital corridor with way too much clothing on the top (a bra, covered by a tank top, covered by an open button down, covered by a tri-fold hospital gown) and way too little on the bottom (nothing). Saying good morning to elderly passersby while the AC blew up my hoo-hah was just wrong.
#3) I need the DHL guy to show up with just one VIP (very important package) - my PASSPORT!!

Butrfly Garden said...

Would it be TMI to know that I ditched mine, too!? The Man wasn't happy with the move. Yes, too much? Oh. Sorry.

viciousrumours said...

Okay...I just have to say that if you can wear any of the clothing on that site you have to worry very little about anyone mistaking your ass for anything resembling a creme filled anything. Just my two cents worth.

I have also decided that I am going to hero worship you for walking around in your yard without underpants on. There may even be shrine building.

H said...

I was all happy about the heat until the crazy woman started pestering me about wearing dresses instead of shorts and capri pants.

I should have told her, "I'm going commando, too!" Even though it wasn't true it still would have been funny to freak her out.

I applaud you.

T said...

Hey, thanks for hooking me up with ANOTHER online clothing site. I really needed that.

Though, probably good to get out of my VS rut.

And, I'm not too worried about your butt growing out of control. A little booty is good, and yours is gorgeous, dear SIL. Gorgeous.

BigBottomMcGee said...

Have I told you how glad I am that I found your blog? You make me laugh out loud on a regular basis. Thanks for that!

Maurey, I love VS, too!

Kate said...

I pray for you that "Wizards of the Star Wars conquer Lord men of the Ring Pirate Donkey Donkey Donkey Vice Cities Robot Wars" is not "World of Warcraft". I am a WoW widow.

LittlePea said...

Oh bread. I love bread. I feel like I need to do an extra mile on the damn treadmill just for reading the names of all those breads. dammit.

Flenker said...

Can I be in your class? Actually, just come down to Iowa City sometime with the Mr. and H and we'll have a big cooking/baking party. Everyone's invited! Underwear optional!

While I did not walk around sans underwear yesterday, most of the day was spent ONLY in underwear, which is the next best thing, right?