Monday, June 25, 2007

With a distended stomach and a heavy, butter encased heart

Dear bread, cookies, cereal, cakes and sweet delicious pastries,

I don't know what I did wrong, but it is abundantly clear that you are unhappy with me. I try over and over to make you happy by eating you again and again sweatily and hungrily, but my efforts are met coldly, with anger and high-gluten-fueled arguments.
Once, this effect you had on me- this gaseous delirium- well, it was intoxicating.
Now, you and your glutinous pastry ways just make me sick.

This is to inform you that I am taking out a cease and desist order on you. I'm sorry- I love you so much, but all I get from you is pain and misery. You make me feel ugly- your behavior nauseates me and ignites my gasses.

To document your abuse, I hired the famous court reporter, Maurice DeWindinpants to depict my pain in this hauntingly life-like sketch:

Look at this!
You have done this to me, dammit!

I'm afraid we have to go our separate ways.

I'm going to miss your hot, fresh, buttered bread. And your taut, sexy crackers? Mmmmm....gone.
When I think of when we were together, me caressing one of your soft, tasty muffins- well, I blush a little thinking of how naughty we were. So very naughty.

I'll get over you, but it won't be easy. You satisfy me in a way no other can. I get all warm and melty thinking about our long, hot, slathery nights.

But, you have never made me feel pretty in the way a woman needs to. My hips hate you and I know my ass isn't sorry to see you go at all.

Tis' with a bittersweet chocolate croissant heart that I bid you adieu, my sweet, wheaty lover.


XOXO
WM

p.s. I fully expect for there to be the occasional pasta and baguette booty call. Judge not, judgers. I am merely a mortal. I cannot resist the occasional quickie cookie or long, throbbing sandwich. I'm a whore that way.


****************************************************


Speaking of large midsections-



Hello- it's only June and I'm already sick of seeing (sometimes) hairy, always sweaty man-baby bellies and droopy man-boobs.

Why the menfolk get to let all this tastiness hang out and we don't is beyond comprehension.

Man-teats are disturbing, at best.








Put a damn shirt on already. Or at least paint something amusing on your belly:





That, I could live with.

23 comments:

Kate said...

Is there a gluten-allergy-sick-sick-yuckypants epidemic going on? This is the third no-mo'-gluten post I've read in the past week.

Sandy said...

Buddha Belly is my favorite.

Whiskeymarie said...

Miss K- I don't know if it's catching, but my bloated, unhappy belly seems to think so. I think wearing a SARS mask at all times can prevent it.

Sandy- Buddha trumps fishbowl. You win. Is this a personal pic?

Lollie said...

a) Lettuce has a bony ass - he will be no fun - I say cheat in moderation - meet buttery bread once a month in a Motel 6.

2) I live in Florida (Cracker heaven for those of you who are unaware). We deal with the man-baby belly all year long. It's nauseating. Men, put your tires away.

And another thing) That is a cute picture of a chic's pregnant belly. No man fat can look that appealing. Nothing gets past me.

Whiskeymarie said...

Lol- I know, I was just hoping that the beer-belly boys could follow this preggo lady's lead.
;)

feisty said...

i'm pickin' up what you're droppin' down...good luck with that. may have to follow, least for awhile. i probably ate an entire plate of bread dipped in flavored oil yesterday in little italy on sunday...

LittlePea said...

Man teets are just wrong. Wrong I say!

H said...

GOOD GOD. Where do you find these pictures?! I'm going to have nightmares about the fat man.

Whiskeymarie said...

h-
It's my boyfriend- I likes 'em with a little meat on their bones.
Shhh...don't tell my Mr.
He hates the competition.

Sandy said...

Sadly the Buddha is not mine. I like that they share belly buttons.

Kara said...

Your man teat pictures remind me of my neighborhood pool. There is a moment of silence that descends when a particularly large speciman whips off his shirt. The ladies evaluate cup size, the boys get a glimpse of what they might become if they eat a few more bags of Fritos.

Best of luck with ignoring the pastries. They are like a bad ex-boyfriend. You may need a restraining order...

Rebecca said...

oh no...no more bread...no more cakes... no more croissants, Pastries, pasta... how devastating!

well...you'll be thin at least

T said...

All things in moderation, WM. All things in moderation.

Whiskeymarie said...

Problem is, even moderation seems to make me sick when it comes to all things baked...
:(

I'm sure I'll still eat some occasionally, but I figure my body is trying to tell me something. Mostly that it hates me, I think.

Flenker said...

This is such sad news. I'm going to drop some delicious pastries on the ground in your honor. One for my homie whiskeymarie.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Yeah, the only things my body ever tells me are "eat more bread, bitch!" and "god, you eat way too much bread, idiot". It's a vicious cycle.

ps said...

i had a croissant this morning. but i balanced with grapes. thinking of you though. you'll come back to me, won't you?

Disco and Dexter - Friends at Best said...

"Exaggerated for effect" I know exactly how you feel.

As for the "all things thats bad for me" post, I can relate to that too. This living a nomad life between two locations has forced me to have cookies for breakfast and pizza for dinner sort of meals. My body hates me. I'm attempting to drink V8 Splash to compensate, I'll let you know when it starts working.

Is it weird that I get jealous of the buddha bellied men that walk around shirtless? I mean, they're tanner than I am and hell, they can walk around shirtless without getting arrested.

Butrfly Garden said...

That's sad they are being so bad to you. I don't get pastries and such very often, but I couldn't live w/o bread and pasta. COULDN'T. My tombstone would read; "They took her bread away."

I couldn't agree more on the shirts. I have an idea to propose a law but nobody will go with me on it. "Women don't walk around topless, why do men get to?" Every male there said "Let 'em walk around topless - I'm not stopping them." But honestly, I would totally give up seeing some ripped man chest every once (I live upnort - it's VERY rare) in a while if it meant that those hairy fatty old men would have to cover up, too.

Brillig said...

WM, that's creepy about your extra fingers...

And where did you get a picture of my boyfriend? Oh, how I love to nestle my head in between his soft snuggly man-teets.

(and the best thing I could do for myself would be to give up gluten. And yet, I couldn't bear life without it. Sorry it hasn't been nice to you...)

Gunfighter said...

So... who said you could use a picture of ME in that post?

Whiskeymarie said...

Sorry Gun- I should have gotten a release first...
Oops.
:)

Sugar Kane said...

Oh how I've missed you!