Friday, June 1, 2007

Whoops! Looks like I just stepped in a big 'ol pile of assy!

I was going to write a detailed play-by-play account of the poolside catering I worked last night, but I decided to do something different.

Whenever I don't or can't write something down that I might/probably will forget- grocery list, possible blog items, my husband's name, etc..., I use my cell phone's nifty voice recorder option. Just push a button & save.

Last night, lacking pen & paper, and not wanting to be too obvious, I carried my phone around to record my random observations, lest I forget.

Here they are in no particular order. I think this will give you an idea of why I dubbed this "the biggest group of self-centered douchebags (male and female) that I ever had the misfortune of having to cater for"

Pretend that you are hearing these in my nasal Midwestern voice:

"no socks" (EVERY SINGLE man there was wearing loafers, no socks, a pastel dress shirt and pleated dress pants. EVERY ONE. I felt like I had been caught in a time warp to Andrew McCarthy's life in 1987)


"WASP-y wannabes"

"drunk disco" (why do the whitest white people insist on trying to 'git down' at lame parties like this? Drunk does not equal funky, folks.)

"demanding more alcohol" (Several people came up to me as I was bartending to say that their drinks weren't strong enough & that I needed to top them off. For this, I'll give 'em props- they sure do drink like WASPS. A please would have been nice, though. Maybe please is hard to say through a 'permanently-clenched-because-I-have-a-board-up-my-bum' jaw.)

"everyone has the same haircut" (All the men had that "fresh from the yacht" 'do, all the women had fresh charity-whoring socialite blowouts)

"no black people" (Or, really, any color other than overly tanned white. Though...there was one vaguely Eastern-European looking woman there. I'm sure by inviting her, they felt that nice, warm feeling best associated with ignorance and asshattery.)

"goddamn servants, can't get good help these days" (what I can only assume they were saying as they whispered and pointed at us, the servants. That, or- "keep an eye on your silver, Binky. I've heard that these people will steal anything that isn't locked up. Why, Muffy Vandersnatch had her Mummy's silver-plated mayonnaise decanter stolen the other day. I tell you, this is why I don't hire anything but illegal immigrants- at least then I can threaten to ship 'em back to Mexicana, or wherever it is those people breed.")
Delightful women, just delightful.

*Note: this next one is best sung to the tune of "Boogie Fever", cause that's how I sang it into my phone.
"Ugly people...ugly house...Ugly people... I think they're gettin' real plowed"

Ick. Ick. Ick.
I may need to bathe in Lime-a-way to get this one off.

Much like Boogie Fever, I think it's catching...I feel the need to buy seersucker and something "nautical".
And some Ray-bans.
And to look down my nose at people, literally and figuratively.
And I need a cocktail. "But miss, make it a strong one this time- I'm not getting drunk fast enough" (actually said to me last night by a frighteningly thin blonde with Lily Pulitzer pants on).

Damn these "WASPS!" Anyone got the jerk repellent? Oops- I mean, common decency?


On a side note...
The other WM (Worker Mommy) tagged me about 100 years ago (o.k, maybe 3 or 4 days) for a meme. I promise I will get to it this weekend. I guess I've just been too busy wildly swinging between anger towards humans in general and wanting to do my fellow humans favors and niceties.
And...asking my fellow humans to do the hokey pokey with me.

What problem CAN'T be solved by just turning your self around? (Try this on roller skates- you won't be disappointed.)


Courtney said...

What the hell are those pants and why do they match that guy's tie!?!? Gahhhhhhhhhhh!

KT said...

that party sounds like my own personal hell...

I used to work for a company that produced events for the finance industry in was WASP-mania.

I feel your pain.

Kate said...

I just realized that I'm marrying into a WASP-wannabe family. Oh. My. God.

I would have loved to have crashed that party with a twelve pack of Grain Belt and a Waylon Jennings CD. Then they REALLY would have had something to talk about.

Ish, ish, ish. Did you spit into any of their drinks when they weren't looking?

Rebecca said...

how fascinating! I would love to be a fly on the wall in those people's houses once all the guests went home; I think then you'd see some REAL ugliness. (literally and figuratively hee hee)

Muffy Vandersnatch! ha ha ha

And, as Miss Kate asked - did you put anything in their drinks??

Flenker said...

I like your method of note-taking, I do something similar, but I use the "notepad" function on my phone. I should probably just use the voice memo thing, it would be much, much simpler.

The party you catered sounds strikingly similar to some bars here in Iowa City. Bars that I would never frequent for the very reasons you've listed.

Stacey said...

I'm with KT...definitely my own personal hell -(especially being a sassy woman of color)!

You're forgiven on the meme...unless you don't do it on Monday. Then its on!

Kidding, get to it when you have time,WM

Signed ,
The Other WM (I love that)

Brillig said...

See, it's so great for us, your loyal fans, that you have to deal with people like this! Hilarious post! I personally hope that you keep getting called to cater to the crazies. It's highly entertaining for the rest of us!

thethinker said...

First comment got lost, so I shall attempt to recreate it. I think it was something like : Eww... those pants are hideous. WHY do they match his shirt? Those two should be ashamed of themselves.

Sugar Kane said...

I don't understand why men are suddenly going sockless. The head chef on Top Chef, don't judge me, sports that look. He looks ridiculous. They all do, but he's the worst.