Thursday, June 7, 2007

I need to go camping like I need a punch in the face.

Against my better judgment- I, Whiskeymarie, wearer of defective heels and lover of flushing, well equipped toilets...

I am going camping this weekend.



Off to picturesque Madeline Island, on beautiful but rudely cold Lake Superior, to be exact.

A group of my friends have been going there every year at this time for something like 15-20 years. Seriously. The entire campground is reserved for this purpose.

The purpose being everyone hanging out shitfaced all weekend and hopefully executing alcoholically inspired asshattery.

The only other time I've joined in on this mess was 2 years ago. It was pouring rain the whole time. I was scared our tent would slide down the hill it was perched on and my soggy, drunk/hungover body would be found days later, partially eaten by raccoons.

Also, last time I went I punched a total stranger in the face. I don't remember this event, per se,
but I've been told it was very entertaining. Poor guy.
Hey- you! The random guy I punched? Sorry. Again. I guess I thought you were this guy.

Maybe this year you can punch me- then we'll be even.

I'm no quitter, dammit, so I'm braving the treacherous and wild landscape of the public campground by myself. My Mr. will be helping his brother and his brother's lovely wife, Maurey, build their new car cabin this weekend.

I decided that rather than risk carpentry, I would go camping.

That, and I promised to bake a b-day cake for two of the camping party's old-timers that are turning 40 this year.
Oddly enough, many years ago I spent considerable naked wrestling time with one of the birthday boys, and have, at the very least (that I can remember) made out with the other.
What a slut.

The cake is going to involve penises as they both have been giant cocks at one point in their lives or another (they would be the first to admit it). One white, one African-American, to represent my boys and their "boys".

I need to do a little planning first. I'm just not sure what direction my artistic vision will go in quite yet.
Trust me, I know both of their wives. They will approve. Wholeheartedly.

I will take a picture once my vision comes to fruition.

I am also going to use this weekend as an excuse to indulge in mountains of food containing ingredients with more than 16 letters in them. And judging by how much I bought, I will be feeding everyone. On the island.

What I have so far in the camping grocery stockpile:
Nutty Bars
Nacho cheez Doritos
Top the tater
2 cans Pringles (Jalapeno & cheddar flavors)
Trail Mix
Spicy Chicken sausages
Cheddar Brats
Whole wheat buns (I thought that was funny- whole wheat. Like it matters at this point)
Starbucks Iced coffee (Light) in the can (this stuff is like crack to me)
Block of Colby
Fluorescent orange Nacho cheese in the can
Tortilla chips
3 different cold salads from Kowalski's (2 pasta, one couscous)
Granola bars
2 cokes
diet 7-up (for mixing purposes only)
Vitamin Water (Energy flavor)
Mineral water
Plain bottled water
Block of lard to suck on between meals
Flask of whiskey (Windsor- duh.)
Tiny bottle Absolut (necessary portion control measures being taken here)

Oh, and an orange and 2 apples. They're pretty much just for show.

Something tells me I should probably pack this.
And maybe this.

And when the weekend is over, I may need this.


feisty said...

the weather will be wonderful this wknd (a bit chilly, sure, but sunny and gorgeous!)

that is an impressive list of unhealthy foodstuff. i like it.

viciousrumours said...

I don't camp. I used to camp. That was before I was old enough to have a say. I have told my husband that I will camp the day he is rich enough to purchase one of those travelling know, the silver bullet looking things? Yeah, with a bathroom and a king sized bed? Then I will camp again. I am old, I creak when I walk and I am cranky in the mornings...I do not sleep on the ground.

You are a much braver woman than I! My hat is off to you.

H said...

Oh, you are BRAVE. Sleeping outdoors in the middle of the woods where there are mosquitoes and bears and Big Foot is just not natural.

Although, drinking does kind of numb some of the paralyzing fear.

Good luck. I hope you make it back alive.

Butrfly Garden said...

My thing is the spiders. And 5,000,000 other bugs that make their way into the tent. It really does help to be drunk.

I think the last time I camped was X-Fest SIX YEARS AGO. And we all know bugs can't survive in that kind of filth.

Stefanie said...

Alcohol and massive amounts of junk food are definitely crucial elements to any camping endeavor. I don't see why the trip is worth it without that.

Have fun!

Also, that camp toilet? Ew. They could at LEAST have used a black (not-translucent) trash bag!!

nancypearlwannabe said...

I'm pretty sure I hate camping. But I think you're on the right track with the mass quantities of alcohol- a whole lot of beer might make me forget that I had agreed to sleep on the ground.

Flenker said...

Camping is awesome. The last time I went was at the Boundary Waters in (very) Northern MN. It was a most excellent time. Between the cheddar brats and whiskey, I think you too shall have an excellent time! I'm jealous.

BadWims said...

Though I don't have scientific proof, I believe that loud snoring keeps away bears. So hopefully someone in your party has a deviated septum.

Oh, and thanks so much for the kind words about our little Beans.

Stacy said...

DUDE. TICK SPRAY. tiiiiiccckkkk sppraaaaayyyyyy. Contact me if you need some. I also have those sammich iron thingies too. Fridged croissant dough + sammich iron + canned pie filling = fanfuckingtastic firepies. Trust me.

Whiskeymarie said...

I snore. Loudly. Especially when alcohol enters the picture.
So hopefully bears will not eat me. I have to hope the smell of my liver fermenting will scare them off if the snoring doesn't.

And yes, I have tick spray, thanks Stacy. The campfire pies- yum. I remember making those when I was a kid. Sweet doughy goodness.

And Stefanie- yes, we all should be thankful the toilet pic was the "before" shot.

Stacey said...

I love camping. I did the roughin' it camping several years ago for the first time.

My friends were deathly afraid to take me because they figured I'd be whining about not having a curling iron, no makeup no showers the whole deal. But guess what...I rocked it. I kicked ass while camping and was very proud of me.
Except for the time I was really drunk did a striptease and then managed to burn my leg on the camp fire ring. It makes for a good story.
Uhh do you take orders on those cakes by the way ?
Can't wait to hear the stories when you return.

Lollie said...

I camped once...and then my marriage ended. Hmm, go figure.

Lollie said...

And my husband's idea of "roughing it in the outdoors" is going to a hotel without reservations.

Lollie said...

My new husband, that is.

Parisian Cowboy said...

camping is damn good. like your blog by the way.

Caroline said...

I should camp if only for the snacks--sadly I don't! Hubby doesn't even like to go for walk let alone rough it in a sleeping bag!